When Unhappiness Turns To Depression

For some widows, depression starts as a reaction to the loss of their spouse and the feeling of being trapped by grief.

Loss is an unavoidable part of this life and it's an enormous struggle to sort through the grief and heal.

One of the most critical facts is that there is a difference between those that are grieving and those that are in depression.

Our thoughts concerning our husband's death are what affects our mood.  In those of us who get depressed, it's because our beliefs or interpretations of the event can make an already low mood even lower.

The huge emotional upheaval that comes from experiencing loss is normal.  They signal to us that we are in distress and that we need to take care of ourselves so we can heal.

What we have to watch out for is when sadness turns into permanent negative thinking that generates tension, aches, pains, fatique and lack of joy in life.

When our moods feed more negative thinking, compounding our feelings of sadness than it's turned from unhappiness caused by grief into depression and it may require professional help.

Are You Settling For Less?

Think about this - Are You Settling for less than what you really want in life?

It's a common saying that "You get what you tolerate in life".  If you tolerate less than you want from your relationships, physical well-being, career and friends - then you are not living a life of integrity, because you are not being true to yourself.

Living with integrity compels you to live your life in a way that doesn't involve settling for "less" in any way.  Whether you realize it or not, by accepting less you are paying the price by the absence of inner harmony.

Living with integrity requires self-reflection on the decisions you are making in your life.  It would be nice if you could be selective about where you practive integrity but it just doesn't work that way.

We can try to justify our actions for settling for less but at the end of the day, you cannot improve your life until you address those aspects of it that are being lived without integrity.

Do You Want To Live Alone?

At 65 years old, women are three times as likely as their same-age male counterparts to be widowed. And, in contrast to men, older women were twice as likely to live alone.

Older widows are usually more content to stay single than older widowers.  They are often tired from looking after their late spouse and they see remarriage as having to take care of somebody else.

Devotion to a deceased husband may also keep them single but they still go through various levels of loneliness.  While the severity and time span depends on the individual, living alone can increase their feelings of depression.

One of the reasons why older widows may stay single could simply be that as they get older there are fewer men to date. Getting used to living alone is hard and acceptance is needed to free a widow to live a new life with new interests.

Living alone or with a new love is a personal choice.  The choice you make doesn’t matter so much as to the reasons why.  Make your choice based on what your heart tells you and not on loneliness or need.

Widows Need Financial Advisors

Widows want someone they can lean on, like they leaned on their husbands, someone they can trust and someone who cares.

• Do they have enough monthly cash to cover their expenses?
• Have they found someone to do the yard work?
• Is someone talking to them about their credit cards?
• Have they talked to their children about their end of life wishes?

Advisors may also be required to scale a wall of skepticism as high as the moon. Widows read so many stories in the newspaper about scams that they find it hard to trust someone with their finances.

Widows should interview several candidates to find a good fit, personality-wise. After finding an advisor you like, ran their credentials by the Securities Commission.

Older widows of the 1940s and 1950s are often homemakers. Ask them about investments and they'll eyes will glaze over.  Widows in their sixties and seventies may not be as savvy as younger widows, but they're smart enough to fire their advisor if he's not meeting their needs.

A widow’s primary concern is to have investments that produce enough income to cover her monthly bills. It's common for widows to fear that the money won't last as many of them went from their father's home to being married.

Advisors need to understand that widows have an unusual fear of running out of money, because now they're dependent solely on themselves. The advisor really needs to understand what's going on in their lives and to take a sympathetic approach to their fears.

Widows are vulnerable and many don't trust their own judgment. They want someone who will do it for them because they don’t want to have to worry about money or to learn about the world of investments.

The average woman is widowed at the age of 56. Half of all women become widowed by 65. And nearly 75% of widows now living in poverty were not poor when their husbands were alive.

I Used To Worry

I don't worry like I use to and I think it's because once I was touched by grief I realized nothing is worth worrying about.

After all death is the worst and it's come and gone out of my life without my being able to stop it.  Worry doesn't help or change any aspect of our lives even if the worry drives us into some kind of action.

Worry about my health could drive me into an exercise program but it wouldn't keep me there.  To stay in the program I would have to enjoy exercising and no amount of worry will ever make me like exercising.

Worry just doesn't cut it because although it brings into focus our fears and disappointments it does nothing to lessen them.  In fact I've found that most things I used to worry about never even came to be.  Somethings are just not worth our time.

Taking care of your current needs in the present, leaves little time to worry about the past or future.  So take care of what is presently in your world now: love, friends and family.  If you come from a place of love, you will be more able to deal with anything that does come your way.

A Widow's Valentine's Day

For millions of widows, this year will be their first Valentine’s Day since their Valentine died. For them there is no celebration. There is just grief.

We don’t always think about those among us who have the other kind of arrows in their hearts, the arrows of grief and loss that seem almost unbearable. Grieving people have a very hard time concentrating. 

Grieving people don’t always make very good decisions, because it is very hard to think straight when your heart is broken. The parallel between love and grief is that both produce massive emotions.

For those who are dealing with the aftermath of a death emotions and actions of grief make little sense. The pain of the loss coupled with the sense that the pain will never go away is very hard to bear. It is what causes grievers to isolate to protect themselves, and often makes them feel as if there is something wrong with them.

Without sadness there can be no perception of joy. We need them both. Openly communicating the range of feelings I have about Donnie is so normal and healthy.

The question that we need to ask is, “Why do we allow people to be emotional in love but not to be emotional in grief?” The emotions of grief are no more logical than the emotions of love.

That first Valentine’s Day I wanted to talk about Donnie. For me, the fond memories mingled with fresh tears in a way that made me feel very connected to my husband, even though I could not see him or touch him in a physical sense.

When the second Valentine’s Day came around, I didn’t need to talk as much about the past.  It was enough to remember with sweet sadness all of the previous year’s Valentine’s Day memories.

Each of us is adapting to the absence of our loved one and each of us is dealing with day-to-day life without him while dealing with the emotional reality of it all.

It has been years since Donnie died and I still miss him, but I’ve come to understand my grief journey better ever year.   Always at these events we don’t want to ruin everyone else’s joy by talking about someone who isn’t with us but one thing I’d learned is that wonderful things happen when I tell the truth about my feelings.

Now it’s your turn. Make sure that you keep the memories of your loved ones fresh by sharing them with the people who are important to you. It’s not limited to memories of your husband as it can be anyone you miss. And you don’t have to wait until Valentine’s Day to start talking.

Take Some ME Time Today

What are you doing for “YOU”  today?  Do something that you love and rarely have time for, something that will rejuvenate your soul.

I hope you will be able to find at least one thing that you enjoy and do it for yourself today. Even when we're struggling to find ourselves, we can still enjoy the simple pleasures of life and even if it's taking a bubble bath (my favorite), or listening to some soothing music that brings back great memories, choose to do something for yourself today.

Take a moment to ask yourself – Just for today, am I making time for myself?   And chore time doesn’t count!

Please stop by and share with other widows that special thing you do for yourself that rejuvenate your soul.

Quote by Joel Osteen

God puts people in our lives on purpose so we can help them succeed and become all He created them to be.  Most people will not reach their full potential without somebody else believing in them.  That means you and I have an assignment.

Everywhere we go, we should be encouraging people, building them up, challenging them to reach for new heights.  When people are around us, we should leave them better off than they were before.  Rather then feeling discouraged or defeated, people should feel challenged and inspired after spending any time with you and me.   

By:  Joel Osteen