Dealing with the Loss of Your Spouse

Grief doesn’t come in nice, discrete stages – it often comes in waves and I’ve found that with the passage of time, the waves don’t last as long or reach as high.

But there are still times when they come washing over me and I found this last month hard to handle.  It has been over five years since Donnie died but on his birthday he would have been fifty-eight years old.

All our plans for retirement, enjoying the cottage and travelling died with Donnie.  We lose so much when our husbands die and it takes time and effort to get back on track.

We need to grieve but after the tears and shock we are faced with confronting a life that is strange – a non-couple, single again life.

We need to find support that understands our confusion and pain – change our way of thinking and expand our horizons.  It sounds easy but it’s not!

I looked after my grandchildren this past weekend while their parents were away.  While doing their laundry I wondered if my son wore the same size pants as his father.  Silly, isn’t it – the thoughts that pop into our minds.  But while folding the laundry I couldn’t resist looking at my son’s pant size.  And there it was – he wore the same size as his father.  Such a silly and unimportant fact and yet it was important for me to know.

Birthday’s, holidays and anniversaries will come and go but grief can still be overwhelming as you realize that all your dreams and plans have been totally wiped out, never to come true in the ways you had imagined.  I felt that Donnie was always going to be the other half of what made me feel whole and it took me a while to feel complete again.

Dealing with the loss of your spouse is a process that takes time.  Grieving also takes hard work to find your bearings again and to feel like you are a valuable, though single, person.  But if you continue to put forth the effort and give yourself time, you will eventually heal and find your way.

Feelings are a big part of what makes you a distinct person.  Coupled with your thoughts, beliefs, and values, they contribute to your uniqueness.  What you feel isn’t right or wrong, good or bad – Feeling just are.

Your feelings will change over time, especially as you begin to work through them and create new thoughts and behaviors.  Grief doesn’t go away on its own; it needs to be dealt with openly and honestly.

Children and Grief

So often children’s feelings are left unaddressed and thus, we send the message that their feelings are unimportant.  This can start a life cycle where they learn to bury their feelings under deep layers because encouragement was not offered for them to freely express themselves.

They need understanding and patience, comfort and acceptance, but are often missed because we are experiencing our own grief and loss.

- Choose a time to talk to your child without interruptions and distractions.

- Choose a place that is quiet and comfortable – like a walk in a park.

-  Be relaxed and open to what they have to say.

-  Be aware of their age and level of understanding.

-  Keep focused on the child by giving them your full attention.
 Listen patiently and if you don’t have the answers just say so.

-  Show your love and faith that things will work out.

-  Be aware that children watch how you are acting with others because your actions are more powerful than your words.

It’s hard to tell a child that death is part of life and we grow from it, but we can help each other by just talking openly about the death of their loved one.

Children are just small people and in their grief need the same thing we need – kindness, understanding, compassion and love.