Grief is Stealing Our Sleep

Sleep is as vital to your health as diet and exercise.  But when your loved one dies sleep is hard to come by.  

Sometimes on a temporary basis such as the loss of a loved one sleeping pills may help. Most sleep experts agree that sleeping pills should be used only in the smallest effective dose, for the shortest of time and with extreme caution.  

Never take more than the recommended dose, never combine more than one prescription or drink alcohol while on sleeping pills.

The downside of sleeping pills:

• Prolong use brings tolerance and over time it will take greater dosages to sleep.
• Sleeping pills can be addictive and withdrawal will be difficult and uncomfortable.
• When you stop you are likely to have bad dreams and even more insomnia.
• Don’t drive after you have taken your sleeping pills.

For short-term insomnia, the safe use of sleeping pills can be an effective way of inducing sleep when your loved one has died.  But be careful and don’t get dependent on them.  If you continue to have problems sleeping look at natural supplements like the herb Valerian, the root of a European plant.  

I recommend that you talk to your doctor and do your own research before you make any decisions about taking sleeping pills.

Be a Survivor

All the books tell us that we need to connect with our feeling as if in some strange way they were in some other location rather than within us.

Our feelings are what make us human and regardless of what feelings we are experiencing we need to take time to recognize that we are feeling.  There are times as a survivor when we a numb and that is probably the best way to just get past those first few minutes, hours, days and months.

But then the feelings start and the grieving begins.  Every important action we take is motivated by our feelings – positive or negative.  As survivors we need to recognize the feelings we have been experiencing since the death of our loved one.  By getting in touch with our feelings we are then able to deal with them.  

We need to give our feelings space to live, respecting their existence and recognizing how they are controlling our actions.  Your feelings are within you every moment, with every breath you take.

Respect those feelings and allow yourself the freedom to recognize your feelings of grief. Only then you will be able to open yourself up to new feelings of healing and joy.

Early Years of Widowhood

In the early years of being a widow I searched out women who were years into widowhood and asked them to revisit that period in their lives.  They made themselves available to me and shared their deepest feelings.

It was like I was in a dark cave and they came in to sit with me, reassuring and coaxing me out into the light.  They told me to prepare myself for a whole new life, but also assured me that despite my grief, they knew I could handle it.  Their confidence in me plus being forewarned helped boost my spirit.

Widowhood heightened my sense of life’s fragility and has resulted in some major, life-changing decisions.  I’ve realized that I want to try new things and that this priority outweighs my career of thirty-six years.

Donnie’s death has sharpened my focus and strengthened my resolve to enjoy life, to love those who mean so much to me, and to accept that adversity can in fact intensify life, putting the ordinary pleasures that I used to take for granted into a sweetness of living.

Through those early years my widowed friends functioned as my no-nonsense reality check, my advocate as they listened patiently to my anxieties.  Even though I complained and felt sorry for myself, I had them to buck me up. 

I knew I could trust them, so I felt free to confide my darkest fears knowing that my spirit was in the care of my friends.  The very fact of their existence helped as I was buoyed up simply by sharing their stories, witnessing how they lived their lives, and knowing that not that long ago, each of them had been in my place.

I look back on these early years with a willingness to help other women through it.  Please take advantage of all the resources on my website, newsletter and blog postings. 

And most of all please search out those special friends that can be there for you – to cry, to laugh and to understand your grief.

Praise and Acknowledgment

Were you recognized recently for doing a good deed?  Maybe you helped a neighbor, sent a thank-you note, prepared a meal for someone or did some volunteer work.

It’s invigorating to be praised for doing a good deed.  There is nothing like feeling good for doing something of value.

When you do good works, enjoy the good feeling you get for doing it.  If you also receive some praise then relish that also.  But keep your focus on the people that you are helping and not on what you hope to gain.

• Admit that it feels great to be acknowledged for doing good.
• Understand that it’s okay not to be recognized for your good deeds.
• Think of one good deed you can do without that person knowing and then do it.
• Contact someone who has done a good deed for you and thank them.

Dr. Wayne Dyer "I Can See Clearly Now"

Dr. Wayne Dyer has a new book called “I Can See Clearly Now”.  Wayne is seventy two years old looking back at the events in his life that got him to where he is today.  Wayne spent ten years in foster homes and his life had many trials and disappoints that he did not see as positive events.

Wayne Dyer looked at each event in his life and what took him from one path to another. He believes that there are no accidents and that all things happen for a reason.  

I ask  ”What positive reason could the death of my loved one serve?”  It’s hard to accept that Donnie’s death could put me on a new path for a reason that would be clear to me years later.

It has been over six years since Donnie’s death and the first two years I was adrift without a path to follow.  My future as I had planned it was gone and there was not going to be a happy ever after retirement with my loved one.  It wasn’t until I found a new path and a passion for something that I believed in that I was able to accept where my journey was leading me.

You need to grieve, but there will come a time when you will either make a positive decision to follow your new path or you will continue to hold on to a path that is no longer there. Years later I can now say that  ”I Can See Clearly Now” and understand my journey is no accident.  I have learned to live this life with a positive mindset – living in the moment and not focusing on the past or the future.

Expect the best from life and you will be more open to increase, good breaks and people being kind to you.  You are a victor and not a victim in the creation of your life.  You have to believe it in faith before you see it – set your mind to seeing a positive and not a negative life ahead of you.

What Makes You Happy?

It’s easy to think about about makes us unhappy but I want you to think about what genuinely makes you happy.

I’ve categorized some responses I’ve received:

• Social interaction with family, friends and pets
• Experiencing time out doors with nature
• Charity and volunteering
• Inspiring others though coaching and teaching
• Learning
• Mindfulness or “being in the moment”
• Good Health
• Exercise
• Financial Well-Being

Tell me “What Makes You Happy?”  and now one more question “Are you doing it?”

Financial Tips for the Widowed

Being widowed is never easy. Besides the emotional grief you are feeling, you’re overwhelmed with many different financial considerations that you need to address. Although this is a difficult time be easy on yourself, breathe and use these four tips to help make your financial planning easier.

1.) Take a step back - Because this is such a difficult time in your life, it is important that you take a step back and do not jump to any irrational decisions. When your emotions are all over the place, your mind is not in the best place for making certain financial decisions. Give yourself time to heal.

2.) Get the right advice - There are so many resources available that can help you get your finances in order.  A financial adviser can help you look at your different financial aspects such as the money you have and your future cost of living. This can help you to determine if you’re living above your means and need to take a step back, or if you have more than you need and can increase your goals.

3.) Look out for scams - Sadly, there are many people out there who are looking to take advantage of you because they know this is a difficult time and that you are more vulnerable. Run everything by your lawyer or another trusted professional. Do not give out any of your information without seeking legal advice.

4.) Keep your finances to yourself - One mistake many people make is leaving their children or loved ones to deal with their finances. While it may seem like an easier route to take, it can turn into a big mistake. They may not make good choices financially, or they might expose you to bad investments which in turn can hurt your future.

In summary, if you are recently widowed, be very cautious and move slowly when it comes to addressing your financial needs. 

Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise

I found this great article while researching and thought it was worth passing on to my readers:

RePosted article from Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise”  

 

1.  You don’t have to worry what others think about your grief.

Don’t let the fear of what others think about how you mourn keep you from mourning in ways that help you heal or become reconciled to your loss (accepting the new reality).  Others don’t know exactly what you are going through and may give advice that will not work for you.  Grief is the natural way humans react to the death of someone they love or are emotionally connected to.  It is what happens inside of us emotionally, mentally and spiritually after a loss.  You may feel like you are crazy, abnormal or out of control when you express your grief but that is because you are in new emotional territory.  You have never experienced anything like this loss so you will think, feel and do things you have never done before in response to a loss.  You are not crazy or abnormal or out of control.  You are simply going through the unexplored and never before experienced state of an overwhelming loss.  What keeps you healthy and healing in grief is normal and natural for you.

2.  Your grief isn’t a bad thing.

Death is always a bad thing, but the grief that results can serve a good purpose.  Emotions in grief are not bad, they just exist.  We mourners can’t control what we feel in grief.  The emotions just seem to happen.  Although the emotions (sadness, depression, anger, fear, guilt, regret, etc.) are unpleasant and often painful, they all serve a purpose.  Grief is a transition time when we move from life with the person physically present to life without the person physically present.  We still love the person and are tied to them in a relationship that is emotional and spiritual now.  We move from a relationship based on their physical present to a relationship that is based on memories.

Grief is the overflowing love you still have in your heart for the person no longer physically present. Death doesn’t kill the relationship; it just changes it.  You still have love in your heart that needs to be expressed.  Since you can’t express it the way you did when they were physically present, the love is expressed in grief and mourning.  How you choose to express this love in grief helps you to heal and is a way of remembering and honoring your loved one.

3.  Your grief will last as long as you miss the loved one.

Grief has its own timetable.  It takes as long as it takes.  As long as you miss the loved one, you will mourn in some way.  As time passes you, your grief, and how you mourn changes.  For most mourners there will still be times when the grief seems fresh again…but those times grow shorter, decrease and become farther apart as time goes by.

4.  Your grief is unique.

No two people grieve exactly alike.  There are no stages or levels that happen in a predictable order.  There are similar experiences and emotions in all griefs, but every grief is different.  Your grief will be shaped by the unique, one of kind relationship you have with your valuable loved one.

5.  Your grief doesn’t end your life.

Although it feels like it, your life is not over after the death of your loved one.  You have entered a new stage and new reality in your life that you did not ask for or want.  There can and will be days ahead for you filled with activities, family, friends and opportunities to experience joy, peace, and fulfillment.  But it may take time and effort on your part in your work of grief to get there.

6.  Your grief connects you to your loved one.

Again, your grief is the love you express in missing your loved one.  You need to remember a valuable life and honor it with your life well lived.  Grief gives you that opportunity to heal and remember your loved one in meaningful ways.  You are not a survivor of the loved one, you can be a living memorial to the loved one.

7.  Your grief prepares you in a unique way to help others.

Along your grief journey, God will place people in your path that you can help in their grief.  Your grief experience prepares you in truly unique ways to reach out to others maybe as you wish others had reached out to you.