Loneliness is a Challenge for Widows

Loneliness is the greatest challenge faced by survivors. When it comes to accepting and dealing with loss, each day presents its own challenge.

A simple everyday task can trigger the loneliness of loss. Loneliness is judged to be more difficult to endure than fatigue, anxiety and memory loss.

Indeed, the intensity of loneliness can be so severe that widows and widowers may experience illusions and hallucinations of the deceased. About a third tell their doctors they have seen, heard or even talked to their dead husband or wife. These experiences do not in any way indicate mental illness as it’s just their way of dealing with the loss of their loved ones.

The oldest widows and widowers have the most consistent improvement in their loneliness over time – they do this by relying on friends. I suspect that friends provide a respite from daily routines and an outlet for confiding thoughts and feelings.

People who can talk about their worries and fears with friends are better able to deal with the challenges of loneliness.

You Gotta Have Friends!

You have likely already heard how important friendships are when you are grieving. Recent studies show that lonely grievers are more likely to develop high blood pressure, sleep poorly and get sick more often. On the other hand if you are well connected you are healthier and life is a little bit easier to take.

Friends are the lifesavers that you turn to when you are grieving and you need to vent. But how many friends does it take to feel happy and loved? Fewer than you might think!
The happiest of people say they have positive, close friendships and that their friendships give them unconditional support as well as help with their stress.

As we grieve, we want fewer but more fulfilling friendships. We just don’t have the energy to put ourselves out there to keep in touch with a lot of different friends. Not only do some of our friends leave us when we become widowed – we also choose to end some friendships. As some friendships end, established connections become stronger, and their impact on us is felt more deeply.

When grieving we may lean towards being loner like. We all need close friends when life gets chaotic but right now we need to focus on grieving and we need to ease our anxiety about the future. Treasure the people in your inner circle, clinging to them as your grieve and heal. But don’t worry about those superficial people that have moved on or that you no longer want to spend time with.

You may have no energy at this point to socialize but if you’re realistic about it, you’ll realize that you will have plenty of time to make new friends as you heal – and you will!

Early Years of Widowhood

In the early years of being a widow I searched out women who were years into widowhood and asked them to revisit that period in their lives.  They made themselves available to me and shared their deepest feelings.

It was like I was in a dark cave and they came in to sit with me, reassuring and coaxing me out into the light.  They told me to prepare myself for a whole new life, but also assured me that despite my grief, they knew I could handle it.  Their confidence in me plus being forewarned helped boost my spirit.

Widowhood heightened my sense of life’s fragility and has resulted in some major, life-changing decisions.  I’ve realized that I want to try new things and that this priority outweighs my career of thirty-six years.

Donnie’s death has sharpened my focus and strengthened my resolve to enjoy life, to love those who mean so much to me, and to accept that adversity can in fact intensify life, putting the ordinary pleasures that I used to take for granted into a sweetness of living.

Through those early years my widowed friends functioned as my no-nonsense reality check, my advocate as they listened patiently to my anxieties.  Even though I complained and felt sorry for myself, I had them to buck me up. 

I knew I could trust them, so I felt free to confide my darkest fears knowing that my spirit was in the care of my friends.  The very fact of their existence helped as I was buoyed up simply by sharing their stories, witnessing how they lived their lives, and knowing that not that long ago, each of them had been in my place.

I look back on these early years with a willingness to help other women through it.  Please take advantage of all the resources on my website, newsletter and blog postings. 

And most of all please search out those special friends that can be there for you – to cry, to laugh and to understand your grief.

Release Your Sadness

It’s ok to cry – in fact crying is a great way to release some of your sadness.

So, pick a time when no one is around and let yourself be sad.  And let it be ok to really feel sorry for yourself.  I think we all hold these feelings inwards when in fact they should be expressed.

You need to take the time to understand your grief and have compassion for yourself.  Allow yourself the grace of grieving, as you would allow for someone else.

Keep to your time limit,  it is a safe place to release your emotions and yet the conscious mind will know that this concentrated sadness is only for a time.

One of the most common emotional diseases of this century is caused when normal grief turns into depression because sadness was not released.

Discover your own unique truth by letting your sadness have its time.  

Listen With Your Heart

Do you often wish that others would really listen to what you have to say?  Do you find that when they do listen it is only because they knew that their turn to talk was coming?

There isn’t really anything you can do about them except for setting an example.  Learn to listen – not just to their words, but to the feelings behind their words.  Learn to “listen with your heart”.

Some listening tips:

• Focus on the person and not just the ideas being expressed.
• Avoid distractions such as phone calls and TV.
• Don’t view complaints as a personal attack.
• Avoid thinking about your answers while they are still talking.
• Pride may stop you from listening if you think you have nothing to learn.

If you are already a good listener, you are ahead of the game.  Whenever possible, put yourself in an area away from noise and distractions when you want to listen with your heart.

Also put yourself in a positive mental mindset where you are open to communication even if it’s not something you want to hear.

If you “Listen With Your Heart” both you and those around you will be better for it.

Long Term Care For Widows

As widows we don’t have the benefit of growing old with someone to support and care for us.  As we age bathing, dressing, shopping, driving, housekeeping etc. may become difficult to do.

After the age of sixty-five, we start to feel ourselves aging with all our aches and pains.  Those of us that end up spending time in a nursing home will stay an average of 2.9 years.

Women in particular are more prone to be destined for long term care as we live longer than men and tend to develop more chronic ailments.

Nursing Homes have a cost of care average from $30,000 to $100,000 a year and it is increasing.  In-home care can vary in costs but is estimated to range from $8,500 to $70,000 a year depending on what is needed.

Unfortunately, most of us will pay for this care from our savings – the money you and your husband worked for and saved during your lifetime.

One final avenue available for help with long term care needs is your family.  But few families today are prepared financially and emotionally to maintain a high level of support for an extended period of time.

I’m no expert on this but one way to avoid becoming a financial burden on your family is to purchase long term care insurance but it’s not cheap.

Long Term Care Policy (LTC)

Statistics show one of three will use their long term care insurance policy (LTC).  Policies generally offer up to $240 a day for nursing care and $40 to $150 a day for home care.

Benefit period is the length of time benefits will be paid – range from two years to lifetime.

Average stay is 2.9 years so consider a four year to lifetime benefit.

Inflation options to keep pace with rising long term care costs.

Elimination period is the time during initial confinement before benefits will start.  This period could go from zero to ninety days.  The shorter the elimination period the higher the premium.  You should have only one elimination period no matter how many times you may need care.

A rider that if you don’t use the benefits you or your beneficiaries can get some money back but this can increase your premium cost up an extra 35 percent.

Home Health Care (HHC) – care at home that covers at least two years or 730 visits is often recommended.  Be sure to check out all your options- care at home as well as in an institution.

Guaranteed renewable every year for the rest of your life.

A pre-condition - It should not require a stay in a hospital  for benefits to begin.

Does not require that the home health care be done by a professional health care worker

“Personal care” is covered as well as intermediate care.

Adult day care is covered.

Offers a grace period to keep your policy in case you forget to make a premium payment.

“Outline of Coverage” document from your agent that summarizes important features.

“Gatekeepers” that you must meet before you qualify for benefits.  The most common of these are Medical Physician saying you need the care, cognitive impairment like Alzheimer’s or activities of daily living (ADL).  When you cannot perform two of the six ADL’s you may qualify – bathing, feeding, dressing, transferring, continence and going to the toilet.

“Restoration of benefits” – If it’s not a lifetime benefit make sure your policy has this feature so if you recover and leave the nursing home and are not re-admitted for at least 180 consecutive days  the company will restore your original full benefit period.

Premium is based on your age and health at the time of purchase.  In most cases the earlier you buy a policy the better.  Once you begin receiving benefits you no longer have to pay premiums.  In most cases, the total cost of a LTC policy is far less expensive than the cost of one year in a nursing home.

A good guideline is to not spend more than 5 percent of your monthly income on premiums. Be sure you don’t purchase a LTC policy if you can’t afford the premiums for the rest of your life.  Example: at the healthy age of 60 the yearly premiums could be between $2,000 and $3,000 a year.

Above is a list of points for reference only.  It you are interested in this it’s important that you consult your financial advisor or insurance agent for more details.

How Do We Wrestle With Grief?

When you lose a loved one grief is the unwanted visitor that comes knocking at our door.

How we wrestle with grief and ultimately push ahead to a new life, varies with each of us.  Many of us need help to bounce back and if we don’t get that help our mental and physical health may buckle under the stress.

Finding support can be the key to a person’s recovery and acceptance of the loss, says the American Cancer Society.  Support can come from friends, physicians, spiritual leaders or mental health professionals.  There is no one easy solution or answer to our personal grief.

Grief can last from several months to several years and can come with feelings of guilt, sadness or numbness.  It might cause trembling, breathing difficulties, sleeplessness, weight loss or gain and may even bring a widow so much mental pain and confusion that it ultimately robs her of her own life.

Grief is as much of a health issue as some infectious diseases.  Dr. Toni Miles, Director at the Gerontology Institute at the University of Georgia says that in their survey, they found that newly bereaved persons are more likely to be hospitalized during the year after the death of their loved one.

Try to wrestle with your grief in your own way, but if you sense that you are unable to deal with your grief, and even close friends and family can’t help, then it’s time to seek outside help.

One thing I have found is that I have the freedom to react or not to what others say and do.  I am in control of my own feelings and I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my life.  Sometimes, others look at widows and judge their actions – it’s too soon or it’s time to move on.  I enjoy time with other widows because they understand that the pain may not be showing on the surface but it’s still there.

Other widows understand how we wrestle with the decisions to move forward – dating or not, travelling or not, when to retire, where to live – these are all decisions that look like they don’t bother us, but they are decisions that we all wrestle with.  Others look at us and judge if we start dating or heaven forbid have a sexual relationship with another man, but there is a lot of emotions that we work through to arrive at that point even though it looks like it’s all smiles and that our grief has passed.

How do we wrestle with grief?  One day at a time – some good and some not, but always moving forward so that our grief does not hold us down long enough for depression to crawl into our lives.

Do Their Opinions Really Matter?

Often we don’t even realize who we are meant to be because we let the opinions of others affect us.

We need to hold fast to the thought that other people and their opinions hold only the power that we give them.  So, don’t give your power away and instead pursue your dreams and goals.

I want to help widows think differently about their future and to regain their balance .  Travel your grief journey and come out with the ability to “take the high road” where other people’s opinion don’t really matter.

You may know how it hurts when people offer their opinions without thought as to how it will affect you.  Use this experience to be careful when you start offering your own opinions.

Everyone has the right to travel their own path and unless they ask for advise or are in serious danger it’s best to let them grow and learn at their own pace.

So – do their opinions really matter?  ”Yes” if you let it and “No” if you can take it as a gift from someone who cares and then move on.

How Are You Doing?

Take time on your grief journey to stand still and shake off the heavy burden you have been carrying.

Ask yourself some questions:

• Do you still think of your husband every day?
• Do you become emotionally upset or can you enjoy your memories?
• Have you accepted that your life is as a single and not as part of a couple?
• Are you ready to plan for a future as a single person?
• Are you prepared to invest in your own personal growth?

How do you move forward?  There are some specific things you can do to help fill the void created when your husband died.  A good job, support system, friends and family are all important in supporting you as you move forward.

There will be days you may choose to do some implosive grieving and if so then set aside some time to grieve.  Honor your grief time and don’t feel guilty because grieving is important.

But there will come a time when you ask yourself “How Am I Doing?” and your answers may  surprise you.

Are You Hard On Yourself?

Often we handle our negative feelings by eating all the time.  Then we berate ourselves, saying that we have no will power and no one will love us again.

Almost all of our programming, both negative and positive, became part of us by the time we were three years old.  Our life since then is based on what we accept and believe about ourselves.

What happened in the past is done and you now have the opportunity to treat yourself the way you want to be treated by other people.

Be kind to yourself.  If you love yourself others will react to that positive energy.  You will then start to see yourself at your highest potential.

Flow with the changes taking place in your life as best as you can.  Remember that life is ever-changing and that you are doing the best you can.

Release your resistance to change because it’s part of everyone’s life and don’t be hard on yourself if you stumble along the way.

Mother's Day As A Widow

Mother’s Day is a perfect time for our children to stop and acknowledge us as mothers.  My son and daughter both stopped in for a visit bearing gifts and cards.  They love me and appreciate what both Donnie and I have done for them over their life time.

But for some reason, that I cannot fully explain, I had an off day today.  When Donnie was alive he would treat me to breakfast in bed on Mother’s day even when the kids were fully grown.  We would have time with the kids but I was also spoiled by their father.  I missed that today and it is just one of those times when you feel that loss.

I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have lost your husband and have all you kids living away or even worse just not making the effort to call or visit.  I have many blessings in my life with my children, family and good friends.  That is what takes the edge off my sadness and makes my life so much more peaceful and contented. 

To all those that have lost a loved one and are feeling that loss today, I wish you peace and contentment.  Reach out to those loved ones that are still in your life and take note of the blessings you still have.

As Widows We Need To Learn To Laugh Again

How long has it been since you did something really silly?  On purpose, I mean :-)

One way to have more laughs is to do something that's just plain outrageous, to have some goofy fun.  One thing about laughing is that you usually need somebody else to do it with.  We need other people in our lives to help carry the load but also to share a laugh with.

My encouraging word to you is that you need to develop a sense of humor because without it you will not enjoy your life.  And you do have a life even though it may take you a while to get back on track, your life is there waiting for you.  Waiting to hear your laughter and waiting for you to notice the joy your friends and family still have to give you.

Sometimes I don't find the joy and laughter but it finds me.  It's just plain fun to go around speaking for different groups and conferences.  I always come away from these meetings feeling like I've received more than I have given.  More often than not I have shared a laugh with a new friend.

I read somewhere that we need to face our problems by looking for the flowers, not the weeds.  I know that it isn't always that easy, but finding happiness and laughter has to start somewhere and I believe a positive attitude will help you laugh again.

Widows and Their Women Friends

Females have always needed other females to socialize with and it starts before we even begin school.  There is something powerful about the connection women have with each other that is healing in times of sorrow.

I just got back from a day bus trip with over 40 other women and what a time we had.  We got started at 7:00 am and didn't get back till 10:00 pm.  We did nothing but eat, shop and laugh all day.  I'm exhausted from the marathon shopping and I couldn't be happier.  All that laughter charges up the soul and nothing heals better than good times with our women friends.

This trip was a fund raiser for Cancer Research and many of the women on the bus were cancer survivors.  I'm here to tell you they were the worst in the group for practical jokes, fun stories and all around having fun.  They know how valuable life is and although they have struggled and some still are, they don't let it hold them back from enjoying life.

These women can teach us all a valuable lesson just by example and I have to say I came away with a lighter step and better appreciation of life after spending time with them.

Next time we do this trip I'm going to round up some of the ladies from "Chicks Night Out" group to come with me.  We have so much fun in our monthly get together that I know everyone will enjoy this day trip.  So watch out, because next time there will be even more good friends to share the fun with.

Widows- How Are you Doing?

Checklist – How Are You Doing?

Please answer these questions honestly and consider how far you have come in your grief journey:

·        I have given myself permission to grieve when I need to.

·        I am expressing my grief and not burying it inside me.

·        I have more physical and emotional energy than I did at the start.

·        I am not as depressed and I can concentrate.

·        I no longer feel like crying most of the time.

·        I can control my emotional moods.

·        I can sleep all night without taking any sleep aids.

·        My appetite is back to normal and my weight has stabilized.

·        I no longer go mindlessly through my day.

·        I have outgrown the feeling that I am losing my mind.

·        I am beginning to be more sociable.

·        I feel emotionally alive rather than emotionally dead.

·        I understand the grief process and the stages of grief.

·        I know that I need to grieve and I'm comfortable talking about my feelings.

You need to work through your grief and I hope that you were able to check off some items on the above list.  Remember it is a journey and it does take time.

A guide to help your grief journey.

   Take a close look at the emotions listed and understand that you may feel some or all of them.  These are all normal and healthy symptoms of the grief process and should be acknowledged.

• Sadness – You may feel such a deep sadness that you never want to laugh again.

• Confusion – You feel like you are losing your mind but confusion, memory loss and the inability to concentrate are caused by stress and are usually temporary.

• Anger – It’s common to be angry with others and even with the person who has died.  It may be because the death was also the end of your dreams and future as you knew it.

• Relief – If there was a long illness, you are probably mentally and physically worn out.  You are relieved it is finally over and they are no longer suffering.  This is quite normal and there is nothing to feel guilty about.

• Loneliness – You may have the sudden “empty nest” experience and find evenings and weekends especially difficult.
• The death of a child is an impossible grief because parents expect to outlive their children. Children are supposed to live and keep the adventure of life alive for their parents.  There is no real solution to the pain of a lost child because parents will always have that pain of loss. Parents need to be aware of the stages of grief and try to prepare themselves for the emotional journey that they have ahead of them.

Part Ten - Widows and Self-Care

It is a lot easier to share with others when you have lots but as a widow you may be low on finances and energy. Instead of holding back this is the time to reach out to others who are less fortunate than you are.

Being of service and offering your support to those in need will remind you of how fortunate you are and how we all need each other. Of course life isn’t the way you had planned but when you are out and about it will soon dawn on you that life is seldom the way any of us plans for it be.

You can share your time, knowledge or money and have lots of fun doing it. Remember a time when someone was there for you and how much you appreciated it.

• When you reach out to help others how does it make you feel?
• What do you have to contribute and it doesn’t have to be money?
• Reflect on some of the ways you can have a more balanced life.
• Everyone has a different vision - how would a balanced life look to you?
• What do you want more of, and what needs to go?

It’s time to write your vision of the future based on a complete, balanced and full life. This vision may sound like a fantasy because you are still trying to get rebalanced but first you have to have a vision before you can make it a reality.

Part Nine - Widows and Self-Care

For some a spiritual life is a religious role within a church community and for others it is a sense of peace that comes from spending time in nature, meditation or different spiritual practices.

“Spiritual well-being” means different things to different people but there is no denying that most people want to feel connected to a Divine presence in some way.

No matter how you choose to honor your spiritual life, you’ll find inner peace by doing so.  Take time to think about this side of your life as it’s another part to your emotional health.

Start by creating a space in your home that you can spend time relaxing and enjoying some peace and tranquility.  Transform the space by painting it your favorite soft colors and filling it with things that touch you deeply.  When in this space focus on your spiritual life as you want it to be and not as you think others want it to be.

 

• Think about when you last felt peaceful and relaxed.
• At that time where were you and what were you doing?
• What shape is your spiritual life in? 
• How has it changed in the last few years?
• What does a “spiritual life” mean to you?

This is the most personal and intense part of your self-care.  It is not hinged on anyone or anything but your own feelings and choices.  This is where faith comes in or not and only you can tell because it’s your journey.

Part Eight - Widows and Self-Care

Most widows struggle to experience even a little fun and adventure in their lives.  Fun is a necessary part of self-care and has a positive impact on your health and well-being.

Building fun into your life on a regular basis will help you to take life less seriously.  There are still lots of memories to be made and it doesn’t have to always cost a lot of money.

A good knee slapping laugh with friends as you go for a walk together, playing with your grandchildren and having a new adventure, these will all add years to your own life.

I’m here to remind you that having fun is just as important as working a job or looking after your loved ones.

• What have you done for fun lately?
• If you could do anything, what would you do?
• Do you think that spending money on fun is an “OK” expense?
• Have you turned down a chance to play with family and friends?  Why?
• Were you brought up to think that fun wasn’t a valuable use of your time?

Write about having fun in your journal because it may be time for you to have some exciting new adventures.  When you are ready to move from grief to healing remember that laughter lines are what you should be striving for at this time of your life. 

Part Seven - Widows and Self-Care

You need to share your life with people who care about you because relationships are an important part of your self-care.  They shape who you are and add meaning to your life.

We all need to belong, be part of a community and feel like we add value to others.  When we are grieving, it’s too easy to take for granted that people will understand.  But everyone has their limits and putting a relationship on hold for too long, especially if you do it over and over again, may take a toll and eventually it may damage the relationship.

If you have been guilty of this don’t worry – it’s never too late to rebuild a relationship that has been suffering from neglect. A strong relationship (family and friends) will enrich your life and provide you with a sense of security. You may not realize it but when relationships weaken they will wear you down and cost you more emotional energy then you can afford.

• Are there relationships that you have been taking for granted?
• Are there family and friends that need your time and attention? 
• On the other side are there some relationships that are draining you?
• Who empowers you and makes you feel good about yourself?
• Stop and reexamine the relationships in your life.

Write in your journal the names of the people in your life and where they fit in your current lifestyle.