Do You Postpone Decisions?

It is often easier to postpone making a decision than to make a decision that you are not sure of.

You can feel overwhelmed after your spouse dies and fear making a decision you will regret.  Take three pages and on each page write one of these “Do Now” – “Do Later” – “Do Whenever” on top.  List all the decisions you have to make on the page you think it belongs on.  Now list all the tasks that are involved in that decision.  Make notes about why and who this might also affect.

Use this as a work plan so that you can make an educated decision.  As you make a decision cross it off your list and you will feel like you have accomplished something.  It will make you feel good about yourself.

Hiding Behind A Mask

A mask is an image that you project so that others believe that is who you are.  But it stops others from really knowing how your feeling and may even keep you from knowing yourself.

You may not want to take off your mask because you don’t want others to see the sadness underneath.  But when you take that leap of faith, you will often experience more closeness with friends and family.

It can be exhausting always wearing that “happy face” mask.  Let people know what you are really feeling instead of always having to appear strong.  When your mask gets too heavy have faith in yourself and throw it away.  The real you will be out in the open and then you can start rebuilding your life.

Grief Is An Ongoing Process

Grief is an ongoing process and it is never completely settled. The loss is always with you and it can be triggered by anything. One moment you are resilient, functioning and in control. The next minute you feel fragile, confused and helpless.

 No one expresses loss in exactly the same way, some connect emotionally to loss through words, while others engage in rituals and acts that demonstrate the importance of the deceased in their lives.

A personal as grief is, experts agree that people experience common thoughts and feelings in response to the loss of a loved one.

These “categories” are outlined below by Therese Rando, Ph.D., in “How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies” (Lexington Books, 1988). Rando, a renowned expert on the grieving process, is a clinical psychologist in Warwick, R.I., and clinical director of the Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss.

 What to Expect After a Loved One Dies: Forms of Grief

The Main Categories of Grief

• Avoidance.  Feelings of shock and disbelief are typical of the early days after death; usually, they give way to a cascade of other reactions — anger, sadness, fear, worry and despair.
• Confrontation. This is the most acute, emotionally charged phase of grief, writes Rando. The shock has worn off, but you repeatedly review the fact that your loved one is dead. You may feel an aching emptiness and be fearful that your suffering will never subside.
• Accommodation. Acute grief has declined and you start to pick up your routine. You are still mourning what you have lost, not just the person’s physical presence but all of the hopes, dreams, wishes, goals, fantasies and feelings you had for and with that person. But you know you will survive.

Physical Symptoms of Grief

• During the phases of grief, people often have physical reactions, including insomnia, weight gain or weight loss, fatigue, poor digestion, irritability and inability to concentrate.
• People reported being unable to sleep during the first six months after their loved ones die. Disrupted sleep is common, says Golden. “Before sleep, your body and mind are relaxed, which is precisely the state you need to be in for deep emotions to surface,” he explains.

Learning to Live With Loss

To adapt to living without your loved one, Rando says the following tasks must be accomplished.

• The reality and reasons for death must be acknowledged, put in context and accepted. This is why humans spend so much time, effort and money to recover bodies after catastrophes, she points out. We need evidence of death before we can grieve it.
• The pain of separation must be felt over and over again for the emotional charge to be diffused. It is often said that the only way to heal from pain is to lean into it. Many people find that writing, music and art help them to process the pain, especially if they can’t talk about it.
• New roles and skills must be assumed to compensate for what you have lost.

Finally, the emotional energy you invested in the relationship with the deceased needs to be channeled elsewhere so it can once again bring you satisfaction. Rando notes that the energy does not need to be reinvested in a person; it can be placed in objects, activities, hopes or causes.

Being a Self-sufficient Widow

Being self-sufficient is defined in the dictionary as independent, supporting oneself without the help of others.  Well, that couldn’t explain better what we have to become when our loved ones dies.

One person’s stress is another person’s challenge because people differ considerably when it comes to the feeling of being in control.

A study of 683 people aged 70 years and over living in New Zealand revealed that those with a feeling of control feel generally good about life, are less likely to be depressed, are healthier and are more likely to participate in exercise.  Based on these observations, psychiatrists think it likely that depression is tied to a person’s sense of control and how self-sufficient they are.

According to researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Human Development and Education in Berlin, aging people that anticipate the loss of friends as they grow older and make deliberate efforts to make new ones are more successful at being self-sufficient and happy.

The successfully adjusted widows were more self-reliant, more tolerant of being alone, more perseverance in the face of stress.  In addition they considered their lives as meaningful.  It’s likely that this “pioneering spirit” acts as a powerful motivator for the widows to accomplish more and therefore stay alive longer.

Quote by Cicero :  “But it is our duty…to resist old age; to compensate for its defects by watchful care; to fight against it as we would fight against disease”

Ending a Negative Relationship with Integrity

There are times when we have to accept that some people are too negative and the relationship needs to end.  The attitude you show when ending this relationship should be a class act. Just in case things should change remember to close every door gently, no kicking and no yelling.

Ending the relationship with integrity and class is something few people can do.  The trap of deception is deadly and it begins when you deceive yourself.  Unforgiveness is poisonous and will destroy you from within.  Release all you old pains and hurts because you can not change others, you can only change how you react to them.  Forget the blaming, complaining and accusations.

Always be honest to others about the reason for ending the relationship if they should ask. It is not necessary to give every detail but it is important that the details you give are accurate.  However,  if they don’t ask and the relationship just drifts away then let it.  

It is not always easy to end a relationship as it may require courage to face the future without that person.  If the relationship is ending do not let it go in a fit of anger.  Do not end it because of a misunderstanding or because someone else recommends that you do it.  

Sometimes a relationship is worth saving and sometimes it isn’t.  Only you can tell if the ending is necessary and if it is do it with integrity.

Getting Organized

It is a rare person that has everything in order, who has a plan in place for what they will do when their loved one dies.

You need to make a master list of what must be done immediately and how, and then another list with plans for the next six months.  You need to have a lawyer, preferably one who is knowledgeable in matters of estate – if you don’t have one get a referral from friends or the local bar association.

A large spiral notebook divided in two sections (section one for immediate and section two for next six months) is ideal for keeping track of all you need to do.  Remember to check off each task as it is accomplished.  Consider a cardboard file box for keeping all the necessary documents and papers with your notebook.

Choose a time to work on these have-to tasks when you are feeling able to concentrate.  You may want to ask a friend who has some business experience to give you some ongoing help.

Don’t be tempted to simply rifle through your mail and then let it pile up somewhere.  Toss out junk mail immediately – put cards and letters of condolence in a basket to be read and answered when ready and bills in a special drawer to be dealt with the first and middle of each month.

As you gain strength you will slowly be able to make it through the details that may now seem overwhelming.

9 Best Blogs For Widows

I just received this message  I wanted to pass it on to my loyal followers:

“DatingAdvice.com has named you as one of the “9 Best Blogs for Widows.”

The rankings were published this morning, and we’ll be promoting it on-site and through other social media channels over the coming days.

You can view your write-up here: http://www.datingadvice.com/for-women/9-best-blogs-for-widows

You have the bragging rights, so feel free to share the news on your blog and with your followers! Let me know if I can be of any help in promoting the news.”

Have a great day,
Hayley

Perseverance As A Widow

When we encounter adversity because of the death of a loved one, our natural inclination is to panic, surrender or retreat.  But the best thing is to just face it head-on because this not the time to be timid.

For those of us that hang in there, our strength of character will grow.  Perseverance is critical to achieving peace and healing our pain.

Each time we get up after we are knocked down, we are exercising perseverance, a strength that will serve us well throughout our lives.  You will develop qualities of patience, strength, courage, kindness, humility and faith.

But just as important as all those qualities are, you become more valuable to others when they experience the same adversity that you have overcome.  

You are equipped to help others through grief because you have already gone through it.

Giving Away Personal Items

Some people mark personal items in their home with masking tape to indicate the name of the person who is to receive it when they die.  Masking tape can be removed or lost so to ensure that each item is given to the intended person, give it directly to the person while you are alive or attach a letter to your will listing each item and who is to receive it.

Some lawyers include a clause in the will stating that you are providing a letter to assist your executor with distributing personal items.  Then, it you want to make a change you just have to redo the letter and not your entire will.

Family members often squabble over the assets, however small, that they would have liked to have or feel that was intended for them.  If may be helpful to family relationships to carefully note who gets what.  It’s even better to give personal items as a gift while you are still alive.  Explain that you really want them to have the gift and I’m sure they will graciously accept it.

If you give your adult child the cottage, mutual funds or any asset other than cash, Revenue Canada may assume that you sold that asset at fair market value and there could be a taxable capital gain that you will have to report as income.

If you use a trust account to give money to a child or grandchild who is under 18, you are still responsible for paying income tax on any interest earned.  It may be better to put money into an interest free account (up to $5,000 a year) and have it in your will that that account is for the grandchildren.  There is also a Registered Education Savings Plan (RESP) that can be a tax effective way to give money to a child or grandchild.

There are advantages to giving away some of your estate while you are still alive:

• You can see  the joy that the gifts bring to those you love.
• Your future income taxes may be lower.
• You can settle things early and save future disagreements.

There are disadvantages to giving assets away during your lifetime:

• You might be giving up control of your property.
• Revenue Canada may consider it “sold” and tax you fair market value.
• You may give away too much and need it later in life.

I’m not suggesting that you should or should not give away some of your money or assets. You must first assess your needs for now and for the future.  If you are satisfied that your needs will be met, then discuss your plans with the recipient to see how they will be using your gift.

It is sad if a gift is not appreciated or is wasted.  Be sure that you will be at peace with whatever your decision is.

Once you get pass personal items and who gets what,  it’s best to seek the advise of specialists in the field of estate planning.  You don’t want to run into trouble with the Tax Man or cause a family split because someone feels left out.