You Gotta Have Friends!

You have likely already heard how important friendships are when you are grieving. Recent studies show that lonely grievers are more likely to develop high blood pressure, sleep poorly and get sick more often. On the other hand if you are well connected you are healthier and life is a little bit easier to take.

Friends are the lifesavers that you turn to when you are grieving and you need to vent. But how many friends does it take to feel happy and loved? Fewer than you might think!
The happiest of people say they have positive, close friendships and that their friendships give them unconditional support as well as help with their stress.

As we grieve, we want fewer but more fulfilling friendships. We just don’t have the energy to put ourselves out there to keep in touch with a lot of different friends. Not only do some of our friends leave us when we become widowed – we also choose to end some friendships. As some friendships end, established connections become stronger, and their impact on us is felt more deeply.

When grieving we may lean towards being loner like. We all need close friends when life gets chaotic but right now we need to focus on grieving and we need to ease our anxiety about the future. Treasure the people in your inner circle, clinging to them as your grieve and heal. But don’t worry about those superficial people that have moved on or that you no longer want to spend time with.

You may have no energy at this point to socialize but if you’re realistic about it, you’ll realize that you will have plenty of time to make new friends as you heal – and you will!

9 Best Blogs For Widows

I just received this message  I wanted to pass it on to my loyal followers:

“DatingAdvice.com has named you as one of the “9 Best Blogs for Widows.”

The rankings were published this morning, and we’ll be promoting it on-site and through other social media channels over the coming days.

You can view your write-up here: http://www.datingadvice.com/for-women/9-best-blogs-for-widows

You have the bragging rights, so feel free to share the news on your blog and with your followers! Let me know if I can be of any help in promoting the news.”

Have a great day,
Hayley

Retail Therapy and Widows

When Donnie died I was anything but normal. I was unable to think clearly at work,  found socializing painful and used “retail therapy” to ease my pain.

If I bought a new outfit or other stuff it only made me happy for the moment.  Once I became creative I started doing things that gave me something to do with my time and didn’t cost me big money.

My daughter Angela and I did some scrapbooking by creating memory books.  Instead of shopping for clothes I didn’t need, I would have fun shopping for just the right item for my memory page.

I started going to all day auctions and would have fun bidding on the odd item that I found interesting.  Often I would come home without anything but had a fun day out of the house doing something different.

Eventually I started researching how to write and publish a book.  I spent lots of time at the library and talking to other authors about how they did it.

It is the creative process that helps you transcend your pain and create a new, stronger life for yourself.  Whenever I find myself feeling lonely or depressed or lost, I fight the urge to run out and impulsively shop.  Instead, in the midst of my pain, I will redecorate a room, paint or wallpaper, reorganize my closets or create another memory page.

Currently I’m working on several kindle books and it adds some excitement into my quiet home life.

All of these things have added to my peace of mind and helped me to grieve and heal.

Love Lives On

As a widow the world is new to you and you may be living alone for the first time in years and maybe for the first time in your life.

You may be finding out that you can do many things on your own.  In fact, a quiet Saturday to yourself to watch TV, read a book or visit a friend is just what you need. But, you are just getting to meet your new self and you may be vulnerable right now.

There is no way to avoid your feelings of freedom and yet the feeling of being lost without having someone in your life.  It can all be very confusing.  The experience of discovering new things and finding a new life may make you comfortable being single again or maybe you have reached a point where you want to love again.

You run the risk of not going after the good things life has in store for you because of fear.  Only you can judge what is best for you because love lives on only if it’s what you want for yourself.

Year End 2012

My biggest regret is that my husband and I deferred enjoyment until the kids grew up and before that happened he died. We should have reached out for opportunities to have fun and had more of a social life.

We thought that the kids and material things should come first – the big house, vacations and paying for their education but the truth is that although we made those decisions with the best of intentions it was not the best for us or the kids.

I learned from this regret and now try to have more fun and enjoy my friends.  I still find this a hard balance because of my full time work plus “The Sisterhood of Widows” but I’m aware of the danger of not enjoying the time I have.

Life has changed a lot in the last five years and I think I’m a better person for it.  I’m not sure what 2013 will bring me but I know that 2012 was a good year and I’m more at peace with who I am.  It was a year of personal growth and moving forward.  I believe that when I’m old I will look back at 2012 without any regrets.

Happy New Year to Everyone

Denial Can Hurt a Widow

Widows may slip into denial when their lives take a different path and they are on their own again.  One major denial is that we are on our own and that we will sometimes need help.  We assume responsibilities unnecessarily because we don’t want to admit that life has changed and we are finding it hard to be single without our husbands.

It is a heavy burden to be responsible for everything and if we aren’t careful we will slowly forget how to play.  We may go from lack of play, to being starved of any joy, to feeling unsupported and unloved.

When we are in the denial stage, we refuse to hear what others suggest because we feel that they don’t understand.  We may think, “It’s easy for you to say, but you still have your husband.”  Denial is characterized by feeling unappreciated and trapped without options in a life you didn’t plan for.

Ironically, when we are in denial, we are our own worst enemy because we don’t seek help.  When others offer to help, say “Yes” and share some of the responsibility.  Family and friends hand us a gift by being there for us.  They don’t know what to do but they want to help.  You may not be able to hear their offer because you are thinking that you can do it all. Don’t deny them a chance to do something for you. 

   

Widows tend to compound their problems by undervaluing the potential help others are willing to give.  Slow down and look at the big picture.  There were two of you and now there is only one – it’s o.k. to ask for and receive a little help.