Are You Doing It All?

As a widow do you find yourself trying to do everything perfectly?

I always liked doing things a certain way and I didn’t trust anyone else to help me.  After Donnie’s death I felt like a failure because I couldn’t do it all.

The main thing that throws widows off track is that we confuse the goal with the journey.  In other words there are many paths to a goal and we don’t have to take the perfectly straight path.

We need to delegate tasks so that we don’t get overwhelmed by standards that we just can’t meet.   It’s hard to do what two people used to do without the pressure of it being perfect.  Donnie used to do all the yard work at the cottage and I just took it for granted.  Now when I mow the lawn I’m happy to just get it done – no fancy edging or trimming.  It’s not perfect but “good enough” is “good enough”.

When you’re troubled with perfection ask:

• What is the end result I’m looking for?
• What would happen if it’s not perfect?
• Can it be delegated and if so to whom?

The point of these questions is to call attention to the assumptions we make.  These questions should help you let go of unrealistic expectations.  You need to accept that “aiming” for perfection is “good enough” and that you don’t always have to reach it.

The reality is, I can’t do everything and neither can you.  Instead try to celebrate your daily victories and ignore that little voice that nags at you when things aren’t quite perfect.

Are You Ready To Move Forward?

As a widow ages, she may want to remain in her own home because of her memories.  But for many, their declining health may make that impossible.

Moving from the home you shared with your husband to a new place is never easy and a widow may not even be sure if a move is the right thing to do.

You don’t have to be old and sick before you make the decision to move.  Many widows move because they want a smaller place with less maintenance.  Others move because it will provide a more social environment or make their financial life a little easier.

The last thing you want to deal with is another major change in your life, so don’t take this step until you are ready.

Some signs that you may be ready to move:

• The house is less kept up and maintenance isn’t being done.
• Expenses for heat, taxes and insurance are hard to pay.
• Too many steps make it difficult to get around the house.
• It’s hard to keep the outside walkways shoveled in the winter.
• You don’t have a social life or see many people.
• The house feels empty and too lonely for one person.
• You are thinking more and more about moving to a smaller place.

You can talk this over with friends and family but remember that the decision is not reversible so the time to move has to be when it feels right for you.

Are There Different Types Of Grief?

Intense sorrow is caused by the death of a loved one and it’s an emotion that varies in duration and intensity from person to person. In short, there is no easy way to “cure” grief. Instead, psychologists believe that the grieving process must be allowed to run its course over time.
As defined by Merriam-Webster Online, the word “grief” means “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.” Grief is associated with feelings of sadness, confusion, despair, fear, anger, anxiety and guilt, to name a few. Grief also has a physical impact on those suffering from it. Often, bereaved individuals experience physical effects such lack of sleep, irritability, fatigue, weight fluctuations and difficulty concentrating.

Anticipatory grief: This is the kind of grief experienced when the death of a loved one is just around the corner, such as in cases of terminal illness or an ailing, elderly family member.

Unanticipated grief: This type of grief is often associated with unexpected loss, such as from an accident.

Ambiguous grief: This form is the result of a circumstance where there is little or no closure about the unfortunate event. For example, if a loved one is kidnapped and never found, a pet runs away, a parent abandons a child or a child abandons a parent.

Complicated Grief: In most cases, mourners pass through grief successfully, although the timetable varies significantly. In some cases, however, normal side effects associated with grief (the physical and emotional manifestations) can spiral out of control. Anyone experiencing the following symptoms for more than a couple of months should contact a professional for help: abnormal social withdrawal, aggressive behavior, self-destructive attitudes, feelings of guilt or blame, or an inability to mention the deceased. If left untreated, complicated grief can become a serious health threat to the individual.
 
Similarly, psychologists also emphasize that normal grief is not considered a psychological disorder, as is depression. Professional help to treat possible depression should be sought if the bereaved experiences thoughts of suicide, preoccupation with death, severe feelings of guilt, decreased enjoyment in activities, inability to function or persisting feelings of worthlessness.

When Is It Time To Move

As a widow ages, she may want to remain in her own home because of her memories. But for many, their declining health may make that impossible.
Moving from the home you shared with your husband to a new place is never easy and a widow may not even be sure if a move is the right thing to do.
You don’t have to be old and sick before you make the decision to move. Many widows move because they want a smaller place with less maintenance. Others move because it will provide a more social environment or make their financial life a little easier.
The last thing you want to deal with is another major change in your life, so don’t take this step until you are ready.
Some signs that you may be ready to move:

• The house is less kept up and maintenance isn’t being done.
• Expenses for heat, taxes and insurance are hard to pay.
• Too many steps make it difficult to get around the house.
• It’s hard to keep the outside walkways shoveled in the winter.
• You don’t have a social life or see many people.
• The house feels empty and too lonely for one person.
• You are thinking more and more about moving to a smaller place.

You can talk this over with friends and family but remember that the decision is not reversible so the time to move has to be when it feels right for you.