Is it easier if they die suddenly or if you have more time?

We often wrestle with this question and I’ve learned to accept it’s all the same (they are gone) but different.  No matter how it was, we would always have to balance the extra time we have with them with the suffering of a long illness.

We are all unique but alike, we just wear different size shoes as we walk together. There are just so many different layers to each circumstance. There are many horrific layers to seeing them suffer or having them die without saying your final goodbyes.

I got the shock of my life in under an hour with no goodbyes or a last I love you, but I didn't have to watch Donnie suffer or watch him wither away. I grieve what we missed being able to do together. We were supposed to retire and grow old together but it wasn’t meant to be.

I think the pain is the same no matter what, but the time together and age when it happens and how fast it happens have impacts on what kinds of challenges we will have. If you haven't had much time together, you mourn the dreams that are lost. If you've had a lifetime together, you mourn the memories you will no longer be making.

If you have young kids to raise that's a different issue from being a grandparent (missing out on your "golden years" together) or not having had kids at all (worrying about missing out on the chance to ever have children). If it's fast, you are slammed with the reality, but if it's long, you have the horrible memories of a decline and perhaps difficulty adjusting to a life when you are no longer a caregiver.

I believe that grief is grief, loss is loss, and while all of our stories are different the outcome is the same. We have lost our parents, child, spouse, our loves, our friends and often suffer with the feelings of abandonment, emptiness, anger, sadness, and the list goes on.

I also wrestled with this question when Donnie died suddenly, but I have peace knowing that each possible scenario has its good and bad sides and in searching, there is no easier scenario possible. I could make a case for each situation, showing how they are worse, as well as showing how they are better. I think, therefore, that it's not so much about what's harder or what's easier as it is about what the different challenges mean to you.

Truth is, each has their own set of struggles. I don't think there is a "easier" way to lose someone you love.  In the end it comes down to what my mother used to say to us, “it is what it is”.

As A Widow We Need To Talk

After Donnie’s death I felt helpless.  I’ll never forget those first few months of grief because it was harder than it should have been. I didn’t know at that time just how much I needed to talk to other widows.

About a year later I came to realize that talking made me feel better.  I sought out other widows because I somehow knew that they would understand my journey.  I think that if I hadn’t found these widows to talk to I would have gone into depression.

Lots of different people come into my life but the other widows had a connection to me that the others did not.  As I got better and learned to bear my feelings, I learned to be good to myself.  They taught me that I could live life as a “single” and that life goes on.  Yes, it’s different but in some ways I’ve found myself as a widow in a deeper sense than if I was still married.

For sure I would love to still be married and have Donnie to share my life with, but that is my past and in my memories.  I’ve learned that the present is for me so I focus on what being good to myself really means.  Sometimes it is as simple as taking a long hot bath, a glass of wine with friends or sitting down to write a blog about grieving and healing.

But after all these years one thing has never changed – talking makes me feel better.  I thank God every day for family and friends that I can share a conversation with.  Sometimes its in laughter and sometimes its serious, but its always with those that care.  What more can we ask for?