Love Me Now...

People come to the funerals of those they haven’t seen or spoken to in years.  Why is that when the person would have enjoyed friendship during their healthy days and appreciated their visits even more when they were sick?

Better to have spent an afternoon with them when they were ill and unable to get out.

Better to have sat with them in silence, holding their hand with care.

Better to have visited when you could share their memories with them.

Better to give the caregiver a much needed break and show both of them that you care.

Please visit your friends and loved ones – do it now and you won’t have any regrets.  You may even walk away from the visit feeling positive about life because there is something special that happens when we put the needs of others before our own.

Unresolved Grief

Unresolved grief can leave us feeling angry and guilt-ridden which in turn can jeopardize our mental, physical and spiritual health.

Grief is behind much of the nation’s obesity, depression, diabetes, smoking and hospitalization.  According to the American Cancer Society, it’s important for anyone suffering from unresolved grief to gain support from family and friends in order to come to terms with their loss.

A 2004 study on family perspectives on dying found that people often don’t get enough support – according to the study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds and widows who don’t accept their grief can become angry, guilt-ridden and fail to care of their health.  Of course this isn’t what a widow wants but grief can slip into depression and it happens without a widow realizing just how much her health is affected.

For more information go to:    http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/health-for-widows/

Grief Wounds

When I meet a recent widow and see her deep emotional and spiritual wounds I want to immediately ease her pain.

But I’ve learned that my role is not to fix the wounds caused by grief, but to support her in a way that promotes and nurtures healing from within.

Some emotional wounds, like physical wounds, need to heal with time.  Initially the wound is very inflamed but as months and years go by new growth heals over the wound.

Grief is a deep wound that affects a person’s total being, the emotional, spiritual, social and physical being.  While in pain we may ask “why” and we may even be shocked at the depth of our anger.

Like a physical wound, grief can be raw, inflamed and painful.  Grieving people require rest to support the healing process.  They are often overwhelmed and lost with low energy and fatigue.

Grief wounds can be made more painful by comments made by others.  According to one study, a person can expect to hear approximately 121 phrases in the three days following a death, of which only 19 are perceived as helpful by grievers.

Grief wounds may be invincible to others but they are just as real and painful as a physical wound.  They should not be discounted as grief can be a contributing factor to the high death rate of a widow/widower during the year following a spouse’s death.

We live in a society where we often lack compassion or understanding of emotional scars.  Comments such as “It’s been two years, when will you move on” do not honour the person’s experience of grief.

A person may be doing just fine, and all of a sudden be “bumped” by a memory, an anniversary, or by another loss and the pain raises up to overtake them.  It is then that the phrase, “grief never ends” becomes very real.

Grief wounds cannot “be fixed”, “solved”, or “healed” by others.  Our role is to support, nurture and educate so that they can heal from within.

Grief Is Messy

There is no way around it, grief is messy – we cry, we are angry, we don’t want to socialize and we are quite simply unhappy.

That is grief and it doesn’t fit into a nice, tidy time frame.  It doesn’t play fair and it’s not the same for everyone.

So why does society want it wrapped up and dealt with so fast?  Is it because grief makes them uncomfortable or because it brings them face to face with just how short and unfair life can be.

It doesn’t matter how others feel about it – grief is messy and that’s the way it is.  We shouldn’t try to change a normal reaction to the loss of a loved one into something that is easy and tidy.

Let grief be what it is and let it have it’s time.

Before You Say Yes...

After your loved one dies there is a mountain of paper work to be filled out.  There are decisions about insurance, vehicles, etc. to be made but you are just not sure what to do.

Here is a short list of questions to ask yourself before saying “Yes”:

• Do I really understand this commitment?
• How does this fit into my current goals and priorities?
• Do I have the time, energy and resources?
• What impact will this have on me in five years?
• Can someone else do it better?
• What do my friends and family think?
• How will this impact the children’s future?
• How does a “Yes” make me feel – comfortable or nervous?

Do you think grief is a mental illness?

Recently there has been a major change in how the Psychiatric Association will treat grief.

Below are two recent articles on the issue of whether grief is a mental illness or a normal part of life and death.  I’m including the links to the full articles so you can read and make up your own mind as to whether this is a move in the right direction or not.

Washington Post : Article by Associated Press, Published May 15

 Chicago— In the new psychiatric manual of mental disorders, grief soon after a loved one’s death can be considered major depression.

Those changes are just some of the reasons prominent critics say the American Psychiatric Association is out of control, turning common human problems into mental illnesses in a trend they say will just make the “pop-a-pill” culture worse.

The manual’s release comes at a time of increased scrutiny of health care costs and concern about drug company influence over doctors.

Read the full article at:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/is-grief-a-mental-illness-psychiatrists-critics-face-off-over-revised-diagnostic-guidebook/2013/05/15/cb6613fe-bd8d-11e2-b537-ab47f0325f7c_story.html

Washington Post :  Article by Tim Townsend – Religion News Service, Published: May 20

Psychiatry historically has refrained from calling normal grief a mental disorder. Since the last DSM was published in 1994, the guideline has been that when symptoms — sadness, distress, insomnia, trouble concentrating, lack of appetite — begin within two months of a loved one’s death, but do not persist beyond those two months, psychiatrists should not diagnose “major depressive disorder.” In earlier decades, psychiatrists waited a year before such a diagnosis.

The revision narrows that window to two weeks. So a person who has five of nine symptoms that define depression — regardless of the reason behind those symptoms — could be diagnosed as mentally ill.

Read the full article at:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/can-grief-be-a-mental-illness-with-new-diagnostic-changes-maybe/2013/05/20/901f801e-c189-11e2-9aa6-fc21ae807a8a_story.html

Who Are We?

Without the “wife” role to play, who are we?

Widows need to be ready to just be the best that they can be… to show the world who they really are.   No matter our shape, color, age or size we are beautiful and capable to reach our goals.

My goal is to help widows show their true selves to the world with enthusiasm and a joy for living.  If it’s in a widow’s heart to do something her way, then I say “go for it”.

We stress over what we put on our bodies.  We stress every time we look in a mirror.  We have to stop and take that first step to acknowledge that we are beautiful as we are.

Have confidence in your natural beauty – inside and out.  It is the inside that people respond to and what makes friendships and loving relationships last.

A widow should be able to stand in front of a mirror and feel good about what she sees.  A widow’s true inner beauty depends on who she is, where she comes from and her experiences along the way.

Grief is a journey that will lead you to a whole new world.  Instead of holding back, reach out to that new world knowing that you may not be control of all the events in your life but you are in control of how you react to them.