Is it easier if they die suddenly or if you have more time?

We often wrestle with this question and I’ve learned to accept it’s all the same (they are gone) but different.  No matter how it was, we would always have to balance the extra time we have with them with the suffering of a long illness.

We are all unique but alike, we just wear different size shoes as we walk together. There are just so many different layers to each circumstance. There are many horrific layers to seeing them suffer or having them die without saying your final goodbyes.

I got the shock of my life in under an hour with no goodbyes or a last I love you, but I didn't have to watch Donnie suffer or watch him wither away. I grieve what we missed being able to do together. We were supposed to retire and grow old together but it wasn’t meant to be.

I think the pain is the same no matter what, but the time together and age when it happens and how fast it happens have impacts on what kinds of challenges we will have. If you haven't had much time together, you mourn the dreams that are lost. If you've had a lifetime together, you mourn the memories you will no longer be making.

If you have young kids to raise that's a different issue from being a grandparent (missing out on your "golden years" together) or not having had kids at all (worrying about missing out on the chance to ever have children). If it's fast, you are slammed with the reality, but if it's long, you have the horrible memories of a decline and perhaps difficulty adjusting to a life when you are no longer a caregiver.

I believe that grief is grief, loss is loss, and while all of our stories are different the outcome is the same. We have lost our parents, child, spouse, our loves, our friends and often suffer with the feelings of abandonment, emptiness, anger, sadness, and the list goes on.

I also wrestled with this question when Donnie died suddenly, but I have peace knowing that each possible scenario has its good and bad sides and in searching, there is no easier scenario possible. I could make a case for each situation, showing how they are worse, as well as showing how they are better. I think, therefore, that it's not so much about what's harder or what's easier as it is about what the different challenges mean to you.

Truth is, each has their own set of struggles. I don't think there is a "easier" way to lose someone you love.  In the end it comes down to what my mother used to say to us, “it is what it is”.

As A Widow We Need To Talk

After Donnie’s death I felt helpless.  I’ll never forget those first few months of grief because it was harder than it should have been. I didn’t know at that time just how much I needed to talk to other widows.

About a year later I came to realize that talking made me feel better.  I sought out other widows because I somehow knew that they would understand my journey.  I think that if I hadn’t found these widows to talk to I would have gone into depression.

Lots of different people come into my life but the other widows had a connection to me that the others did not.  As I got better and learned to bear my feelings, I learned to be good to myself.  They taught me that I could live life as a “single” and that life goes on.  Yes, it’s different but in some ways I’ve found myself as a widow in a deeper sense than if I was still married.

For sure I would love to still be married and have Donnie to share my life with, but that is my past and in my memories.  I’ve learned that the present is for me so I focus on what being good to myself really means.  Sometimes it is as simple as taking a long hot bath, a glass of wine with friends or sitting down to write a blog about grieving and healing.

But after all these years one thing has never changed – talking makes me feel better.  I thank God every day for family and friends that I can share a conversation with.  Sometimes its in laughter and sometimes its serious, but its always with those that care.  What more can we ask for?

Are You Doing It All?

As a widow do you find yourself trying to do everything perfectly?

I always liked doing things a certain way and I didn’t trust anyone else to help me.  After Donnie’s death I felt like a failure because I couldn’t do it all.

The main thing that throws widows off track is that we confuse the goal with the journey.  In other words there are many paths to a goal and we don’t have to take the perfectly straight path.

We need to delegate tasks so that we don’t get overwhelmed by standards that we just can’t meet.   It’s hard to do what two people used to do without the pressure of it being perfect.  Donnie used to do all the yard work at the cottage and I just took it for granted.  Now when I mow the lawn I’m happy to just get it done – no fancy edging or trimming.  It’s not perfect but “good enough” is “good enough”.

When you’re troubled with perfection ask:

• What is the end result I’m looking for?
• What would happen if it’s not perfect?
• Can it be delegated and if so to whom?

The point of these questions is to call attention to the assumptions we make.  These questions should help you let go of unrealistic expectations.  You need to accept that “aiming” for perfection is “good enough” and that you don’t always have to reach it.

The reality is, I can’t do everything and neither can you.  Instead try to celebrate your daily victories and ignore that little voice that nags at you when things aren’t quite perfect.

Are You Ready To Move Forward?

As a widow ages, she may want to remain in her own home because of her memories.  But for many, their declining health may make that impossible.

Moving from the home you shared with your husband to a new place is never easy and a widow may not even be sure if a move is the right thing to do.

You don’t have to be old and sick before you make the decision to move.  Many widows move because they want a smaller place with less maintenance.  Others move because it will provide a more social environment or make their financial life a little easier.

The last thing you want to deal with is another major change in your life, so don’t take this step until you are ready.

Some signs that you may be ready to move:

• The house is less kept up and maintenance isn’t being done.
• Expenses for heat, taxes and insurance are hard to pay.
• Too many steps make it difficult to get around the house.
• It’s hard to keep the outside walkways shoveled in the winter.
• You don’t have a social life or see many people.
• The house feels empty and too lonely for one person.
• You are thinking more and more about moving to a smaller place.

You can talk this over with friends and family but remember that the decision is not reversible so the time to move has to be when it feels right for you.

Are There Different Types Of Grief?

Intense sorrow is caused by the death of a loved one and it’s an emotion that varies in duration and intensity from person to person. In short, there is no easy way to “cure” grief. Instead, psychologists believe that the grieving process must be allowed to run its course over time.
As defined by Merriam-Webster Online, the word “grief” means “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.” Grief is associated with feelings of sadness, confusion, despair, fear, anger, anxiety and guilt, to name a few. Grief also has a physical impact on those suffering from it. Often, bereaved individuals experience physical effects such lack of sleep, irritability, fatigue, weight fluctuations and difficulty concentrating.

Anticipatory grief: This is the kind of grief experienced when the death of a loved one is just around the corner, such as in cases of terminal illness or an ailing, elderly family member.

Unanticipated grief: This type of grief is often associated with unexpected loss, such as from an accident.

Ambiguous grief: This form is the result of a circumstance where there is little or no closure about the unfortunate event. For example, if a loved one is kidnapped and never found, a pet runs away, a parent abandons a child or a child abandons a parent.

Complicated Grief: In most cases, mourners pass through grief successfully, although the timetable varies significantly. In some cases, however, normal side effects associated with grief (the physical and emotional manifestations) can spiral out of control. Anyone experiencing the following symptoms for more than a couple of months should contact a professional for help: abnormal social withdrawal, aggressive behavior, self-destructive attitudes, feelings of guilt or blame, or an inability to mention the deceased. If left untreated, complicated grief can become a serious health threat to the individual.
 
Similarly, psychologists also emphasize that normal grief is not considered a psychological disorder, as is depression. Professional help to treat possible depression should be sought if the bereaved experiences thoughts of suicide, preoccupation with death, severe feelings of guilt, decreased enjoyment in activities, inability to function or persisting feelings of worthlessness.

When Is It Time To Move

As a widow ages, she may want to remain in her own home because of her memories. But for many, their declining health may make that impossible.
Moving from the home you shared with your husband to a new place is never easy and a widow may not even be sure if a move is the right thing to do.
You don’t have to be old and sick before you make the decision to move. Many widows move because they want a smaller place with less maintenance. Others move because it will provide a more social environment or make their financial life a little easier.
The last thing you want to deal with is another major change in your life, so don’t take this step until you are ready.
Some signs that you may be ready to move:

• The house is less kept up and maintenance isn’t being done.
• Expenses for heat, taxes and insurance are hard to pay.
• Too many steps make it difficult to get around the house.
• It’s hard to keep the outside walkways shoveled in the winter.
• You don’t have a social life or see many people.
• The house feels empty and too lonely for one person.
• You are thinking more and more about moving to a smaller place.

You can talk this over with friends and family but remember that the decision is not reversible so the time to move has to be when it feels right for you.

Valentine's Day as a Widow

I’m a widow – I never thought that I would be saying those words in my fifties. As a child the only widows I knew seemed like old women that had nothing to look forward to.

Our lives are molded by what happens to us on our journey. Widows - after seeing grief first hand find solace in each other not because we come from the same city or know mutual friends, but because we have gone through the same psychological grief and pain. We all know what happened without any need of an explanation. We understand each other in a special way.

When I was in my thirties I could talk to a widow and have compassion but I couldn’t really understand what she was going through because I still had my husband. I hadn’t gone through the depths of suffering and loss that I would eventually go through when I was fifty years old.

I used to think widows and widowers were sad people for the rest of their lives. Sometimes I’m sad, but I’ve learned to live life and to make it meaningful. I want to live and I appreciate that I can – Donnie was not so blessed.

I listen to my widowed friends and they listen to me and neither of us are victims, we are just strong women sharing our journey with each other.

It is impossible to live through the loss of our loved ones and remain the same. In my case I know that I’m a better person with a new level of compassion. I write about my journey and hope that it resonates with others and inspires them to have the courage to find themselves and to realize peace comes from within.

So this Saturday when many loved ones get gifts and share kisses I will embrace the person that I have become, the life that has been shaped from my grief and my widowed friends that understand the journey.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all my friends and thank you for being part of my life.