Your Grief Journey

When you lose someone you love you go on a journey of grief.  At first your unbalanced and stumble along.  You may even fall as the path is uneven, dark and unknown to you.

As time passes you will get more balanced with friends and family willing to help you. The path will become more even and you will be able to look back to where you started and see how far you have come.

Then one day you will realize that you haven’t fallen in a while and that you can see into the distance.  You realize that your grief journey has changed and you are now on the path of healing.

Later, much later, you will be able to go back and help others who are just starting their own grief journey.This will be part of your own healing and will be a blessing to those who need your guidance.

Bad Day?

Bad days – we all have them.  One day everything is fine and the next everything looks grey and sad.  The good news is that pain, while soul-crushing, is manageable.  The pain can steal my peace but it does leave behind experience.  This experience is more valuable then gold because it is what armors me against the emptiness and gives me the capability to help other widows.

If you’re fortunate enough to give someone else some disaster relief, it is a beautiful thing.   I’m a firm believer in the power of distraction and it’s cure for loneliness and frustration.

Please accept my occasional mood swings and irritation when people say “This too shall pass”.  ”Buck up”.  ”You will find someone else”.  ”It’s time to move on”.   People need to mourn their losses their own way and memories need to be honored.

Sometimes we just need to be sad and to be listened to – a hug wouldn’t hurt either.  You can’t make it better because it is what it is.  We can’t fix everything and sometimes life just isn’t fair. But through all this I have friends and family that I love and who love me.

My bad days are fewer as the years go on, but they are still part of my own journey.

Death, Support and Bereavement

Admitting what we feel is the beginning of moving forward and being able to make changes to our new life.

My support came from other widows who had traveled the grief journey before me.  They shared their compassion and were wise from experience, having already walked the path.  They assured me that my grief was normal even though we all grieve so differently.

I was allowed to be real, to be me, which empowered me to move forward and be all that I could be.  And even more – it gave me the key to survival from the stormy shores of loneliness, grief and anger.

My emotions have an intensity that I had never experienced before.  The power of these emotions would sometimes render me into a crying lost soul and other times give me a strength of will that I never knew I had.  Emotions are so difficult to get a handle on but because of the other widows I at least understand them, even if I can’t always control them.

If you find your emotional journey getting the best of you, then seek out those that have traveled the path.  They can help you find your way.

Depression

I’ve been working hard so all I could think about was having a lazy Saturday all to myself.  I was going to sleep in, do a little housework, read and relax.  No plans to go anywhere or do anything –  a relaxing day was just what I wanted and needed.

But around noon I started getting depressed and sad.  I can’t tell you how or why it started but it was just that lonely, empty feeling that another widow would know.

It happens when I stop being busy and have too much quiet time.  Time to feel the loss, time to miss being part of a couple and time to miss being loved.  I stopped to let the sadness have it’s time but I have no time for depression.  If depression gets a chance to come in – it would make itself at home and I would never get rid of it.

So I cooked a late lunch and cleaned out some closets to get ready for the winter.   I always do better when I’m busy and I’ve come to realize that is the way I handle it best.  A little relaxing time but not too much –  that is what works for me.

Learning A New Skill

One of the fastest ways to learn new skills permanently is to share them with other people as soon as you learn them. Each time you come across a good idea in a book, take a few moments to share it with someone at home or at work.

Besides helping you to retain when you’ve learned – you will be passing your new skill on to someone else.  The concentration required to explain the new principle in your own words seems to drive the information deeper into your subconscious  mind where it becomes a permanent part of your long-term memory.  Better memory is one of those funny side benefits that happen when you teach someone.

Learning will strengthen you against adversity, resistance and and often pain.  Never stop learning and moving forward.

Giving Advice

When a friend or family member is having a difficult time should you listen or should you give advice?

I think that our role is to be supportive and to listen to them as they talk out their problems.  I may share my personal values on what I have done in my own life, but only to encourage them to think about their own solutions.

It is not our role, nor our responsibility, to give advice that we are not qualified to give and we may not be objective enough.  If we start giving advice, we will find ourselves where we don’t belong – in the middle of someone else’s troubles.

What if we give poor advice and they follow it and get bad results?  The backlash will be to us, so do not take on this stress.

My advice is to give support, but do not give advice and indirectly end up taking on their problems.  Believe me – everyone has enough stress of their own without getting involved in the lives of others.  You may mean well, but the best thing you can do is help them figure it out for themselves.

Inner Strength

To the outside world, strength is power – to influence others or beat your opposition.  But then there’s inner strength, resilience, moral fiber – all of which help us to stand up for what we believe in.  This inner strength isn’t about muscle power, it’s more about having the guts to carry on no matter what.

Cultivate your inner strength by doing something that will stretch you.

Don’t let others push you around, stand firm during those difficult conversations.

Remember that a sign of strength is taking responsibility for your actions.

Don’t be too proud to ask for help when you need it.  It will only serve to make you stronger.

Know your own strengths by making a list of them, post them on your bedroom mirror and refer to them every morning and night.

A strong body helps to build a strong inner strength so take care of your health.  Just for today, resist that second helping and do thirty minutes of exercise.

Pick one of your fears and take this week to really analyze it.   Is it real?  Use your inner strength to question this fear and confront it.

Emotional Fatique

Don’t be surprised if you are emotionally drained after the death of your loved one.  Your body is taking enormous amounts of energy just to fight your stress.   Lack of sleep – fatigue and weariness – can hit you hard.

Some Tips To Help:

• Eat a well-balanced diet.
• Take a daily multivitamin.
• Get plenty of rest every night.
• Don’t watch violent shows before bedtime – try to have some quiet time.
• Exercise regularly.
• Deal with problems at once so they don’t drag you down.
• Find something to do that will provide positive emotional energy.
• Socialize with others and learn to have fun again.

My YouTube Video Channel

I'm sharing the reference given to me from Mary Scott about the book and my speaking at her place of work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ar29QG7c5vM&feature=share

www.youtube.com