Stedman Graham and his new book "Identity"

Stedman was written a book called “Identity” and it’s a great book on taking control of who you are and on how to define your identity and path in life.

I strongly recommend his book as it puts the power back into your hands and will help you achieve our goals.

Finding Support After The Death Of A Loved One

Grief is so much easier when it’s shared with others, so don’t grieve alone.  Being able to express your feelings will help lighten the burden of grief.

Turn to friends and family members.  Draw on the love of those around you and accept all the help that is offered to you.  They want to help so tell them what you need and don’t let pride get in your way.

Draw comfort from your faith.  Praying, meditating or going to church can offer solace.  Embrace the comfort you get from having your faith.

Look for a support group.  Sharing your sorrow with others who have also suffered a loss can be healing.  Contact hospitals, hospices, funeral homes and counseling centers to find a group in your local are.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor.  Sometimes grief is just too much to bear on your own.  An experienced professional can help you work through your intense emotions.

Assume Control

When your loved one died you had no choice because you were not in a position of control.  Tears flow and again you are not in control.  Others around you take over and although they are trying to help, again you feel that you are not in control and maybe it didn’t matter because you did not even care.

Time has passed and slowly you need to regain a sense of control so that you can get back in balance. Start writing down all the things you are responsible for.  Say “I choose” to do this task.  There is something about saying the words “I choose” that will bring your control back.

Choosing not to do something is also a choice and as long as you take note of that choice you are still taking control.  “I choose not to be upset when my married friend doesn’t call” is actively taking control of your emotions.

At night take a look at your day and see what you did.  Even if it was only one thing, celebrate that one thing.  Say to yourself, “I can and will do the next task on my list tomorrow” and then do it.

Before you know it your list of things to do is done and they were done on your time schedule.  Assume control of your life and you will be happier.  After all, you know yourself better than anyone else knows you. 

Do You Postpone Decisions?

It is often easier to postpone making a decision than to make a decision that you are not sure of.

You can feel overwhelmed after your spouse dies and fear making a decision you will regret.  Take three pages and on each page write one of these “Do Now” - “Do Later” – “Do Whenever” on top.  

List all the decisions you have to make on the page you think it belongs on.  Now list all the tasks that are involved in that decision.  Make notes about why and who this might also affect.

Use this as a work plan so that you can make an educated decision.  As you make a decision cross it off your list and you will feel like you have accomplished something.  It will make you feel good about yourself.

A Widow's Holiday Season

I'm rethinking the whole holiday season of social times, and classic Christmas movies and eating till I gain ten pounds. With the loss of our loved ones there is a missing part to our lives and the season of joy can be hard to come by. I went on a bus trip, Christmas shopping with some girlfriends and getting out for some fun. On the trip they showed the movie "Mrs. Miracle" which is a Christmas story of a widowed man caught in his grief. I'm sitting there with tears running down my cheeks - it was just so hard to watch and I could so relate to the emptiness he felt. This will be my fourth holiday season without my Donnie and I have come to realize that I have to find my own joy and peace for the holidays. I'm looking forward to our large family get together this year from great-great Aunts and Uncles to the new babies in the family. As the new generation enjoys the holiday season new traditions and memories will be made. Some people go their entire life missing the small miracles of the season. We get caught up in the marketing done by media and business. The truth is that small miracles, watching a grandchild's first steps and the giggles of a child at play are the blessings that will make us laugh and smile at life. I wish you a very Happy Holiday Season and although every day may not be filled with joy, I hope that you share your time with family and friends. Take time to search for those small miracles that will bring you some blessings of peace and joy. To our shared journey Mary Francis

What Is Healing?

How does a person define “Healing”?  It can mean different things at different times in our lives.  I think it is an ongoing process, a journey that has no real end.

Healing has a crooked path with a lot of  ups and downs.  One day your doing great, the next your sad and then the third day it’s hard just to get out of bed.   Then something good happens, and you’re back on your feet again.  Or maybe you have a hard morning and a great afternoon – that’s the grief and healing journey.  In fact – that’s life!

No one gets out of this life without trials, pain and loss.  The ultimate in life is to continue to heal and reach out to others.  Be the best mother, daughter and friend you can be.  It’s the only life you have, so work to find your path and make the future into something you are proud of.

Leave your family and friends with fond memories of their times with you because life isn’t lived in a vacuum.  We affect others by our actions, just like others have an affect on us.  I find the subject of whether or not a person is healing to be very complex.  It’s usually not black or white and the results can not always be seen on the surface.  But one thing is for sure – each person has control of their own journey.

Bad Day?

Bad days – we all have them.  One day everything is fine and the next everything looks grey and sad.  The good news is that pain, while soul-crushing, is manageable.  The pain can steal my peace but it does leave behind experience.  This experience is more valuable then gold because it is what armors me against the emptiness and gives me the capability to help other widows.

If you’re fortunate enough to give someone else some disaster relief, it is a beautiful thing.   I’m a firm believer in the power of distraction and it’s cure for loneliness and frustration.

Please accept my occasional mood swings and irritation when people say “This too shall pass”.  ”Buck up”.  ”You will find someone else”.  ”It’s time to move on”.   People need to mourn their losses their own way and memories need to be honored.

Sometimes we just need to be sad and to be listened to – a hug wouldn’t hurt either.  You can’t make it better because it is what it is.  We can’t fix everything and sometimes life just isn’t fair. But through all this I have friends and family that I love and who love me.

My bad days are fewer as the years go on, but they are still part of my own journey.

Depression

I’ve been working hard so all I could think about was having a lazy Saturday all to myself.  I was going to sleep in, do a little housework, read and relax.  No plans to go anywhere or do anything –  a relaxing day was just what I wanted and needed.

But around noon I started getting depressed and sad.  I can’t tell you how or why it started but it was just that lonely, empty feeling that another widow would know.

It happens when I stop being busy and have too much quiet time.  Time to feel the loss, time to miss being part of a couple and time to miss being loved.  I stopped to let the sadness have it’s time but I have no time for depression.  If depression gets a chance to come in – it would make itself at home and I would never get rid of it.

So I cooked a late lunch and cleaned out some closets to get ready for the winter.   I always do better when I’m busy and I’ve come to realize that is the way I handle it best.  A little relaxing time but not too much –  that is what works for me.

Learning A New Skill

One of the fastest ways to learn new skills permanently is to share them with other people as soon as you learn them. Each time you come across a good idea in a book, take a few moments to share it with someone at home or at work.

Besides helping you to retain when you’ve learned – you will be passing your new skill on to someone else.  The concentration required to explain the new principle in your own words seems to drive the information deeper into your subconscious  mind where it becomes a permanent part of your long-term memory.  Better memory is one of those funny side benefits that happen when you teach someone.

Learning will strengthen you against adversity, resistance and and often pain.  Never stop learning and moving forward.

Giving Advice

When a friend or family member is having a difficult time should you listen or should you give advice?

I think that our role is to be supportive and to listen to them as they talk out their problems.  I may share my personal values on what I have done in my own life, but only to encourage them to think about their own solutions.

It is not our role, nor our responsibility, to give advice that we are not qualified to give and we may not be objective enough.  If we start giving advice, we will find ourselves where we don’t belong – in the middle of someone else’s troubles.

What if we give poor advice and they follow it and get bad results?  The backlash will be to us, so do not take on this stress.

My advice is to give support, but do not give advice and indirectly end up taking on their problems.  Believe me – everyone has enough stress of their own without getting involved in the lives of others.  You may mean well, but the best thing you can do is help them figure it out for themselves.

Inner Strength

To the outside world, strength is power – to influence others or beat your opposition.  But then there’s inner strength, resilience, moral fiber – all of which help us to stand up for what we believe in.  This inner strength isn’t about muscle power, it’s more about having the guts to carry on no matter what.

Cultivate your inner strength by doing something that will stretch you.

Don’t let others push you around, stand firm during those difficult conversations.

Remember that a sign of strength is taking responsibility for your actions.

Don’t be too proud to ask for help when you need it.  It will only serve to make you stronger.

Know your own strengths by making a list of them, post them on your bedroom mirror and refer to them every morning and night.

A strong body helps to build a strong inner strength so take care of your health.  Just for today, resist that second helping and do thirty minutes of exercise.

Pick one of your fears and take this week to really analyze it.   Is it real?  Use your inner strength to question this fear and confront it.

Develop A Support Team.

 A support team will help you through this differcult time. Friends, family, a counselor or therapist, and trusted financial professionals can all help you gather information, review, make decisions, file paperwork or simply be there for you when you need to talk.

Don't feel that you need to do it all on your own. Give some thought to whom you might include on your own support team. Planning ahead of the need is even better:-)