Are You Wrestling With Grief?

Are You Wrestling With Grief?

Listen With Your Heart

Do you often wish that others would really listen to what you have to say?  Do you find that when they do listen it is only because they knew that their turn to talk was coming?

There isn’t really anything you can do about them except for setting an example.  Learn to listen – not just to their words, but to the feelings behind their words.  Learn to “listen with your heart”.

Some listening tips:

• Focus on the person and not just the ideas being expressed.
• Avoid distractions such as phone calls and TV.
• Don’t view complaints as a personal attack.
• Avoid thinking about your answers while they are still talking.
• Pride may stop you from listening if you think you have nothing to learn.

If you are already a good listener, you are ahead of the game.  Whenever possible, put yourself in an area away from noise and distractions when you want to listen with your heart.

Also put yourself in a positive mental mindset where you are open to communication even if it’s not something you want to hear.

If you “Listen With Your Heart” both you and those around you will be better for it.

Long Term Care For Widows

As widows we don’t have the benefit of growing old with someone to support and care for us.  As we age bathing, dressing, shopping, driving, housekeeping etc. may become difficult to do.

After the age of sixty-five, we start to feel ourselves aging with all our aches and pains.  Those of us that end up spending time in a nursing home will stay an average of 2.9 years.

Women in particular are more prone to be destined for long term care as we live longer than men and tend to develop more chronic ailments.

Nursing Homes have a cost of care average from $30,000 to $100,000 a year and it is increasing.  In-home care can vary in costs but is estimated to range from $8,500 to $70,000 a year depending on what is needed.

Unfortunately, most of us will pay for this care from our savings – the money you and your husband worked for and saved during your lifetime.

One final avenue available for help with long term care needs is your family.  But few families today are prepared financially and emotionally to maintain a high level of support for an extended period of time.

I’m no expert on this but one way to avoid becoming a financial burden on your family is to purchase long term care insurance but it’s not cheap.

Long Term Care Policy (LTC)

Statistics show one of three will use their long term care insurance policy (LTC).  Policies generally offer up to $240 a day for nursing care and $40 to $150 a day for home care.

Benefit period is the length of time benefits will be paid – range from two years to lifetime.

Average stay is 2.9 years so consider a four year to lifetime benefit.

Inflation options to keep pace with rising long term care costs.

Elimination period is the time during initial confinement before benefits will start.  This period could go from zero to ninety days.  The shorter the elimination period the higher the premium.  You should have only one elimination period no matter how many times you may need care.

A rider that if you don’t use the benefits you or your beneficiaries can get some money back but this can increase your premium cost up an extra 35 percent.

Home Health Care (HHC) – care at home that covers at least two years or 730 visits is often recommended.  Be sure to check out all your options- care at home as well as in an institution.

Guaranteed renewable every year for the rest of your life.

A pre-condition - It should not require a stay in a hospital  for benefits to begin.

Does not require that the home health care be done by a professional health care worker

“Personal care” is covered as well as intermediate care.

Adult day care is covered.

Offers a grace period to keep your policy in case you forget to make a premium payment.

“Outline of Coverage” document from your agent that summarizes important features.

“Gatekeepers” that you must meet before you qualify for benefits.  The most common of these are Medical Physician saying you need the care, cognitive impairment like Alzheimer’s or activities of daily living (ADL).  When you cannot perform two of the six ADL’s you may qualify – bathing, feeding, dressing, transferring, continence and going to the toilet.

“Restoration of benefits” – If it’s not a lifetime benefit make sure your policy has this feature so if you recover and leave the nursing home and are not re-admitted for at least 180 consecutive days  the company will restore your original full benefit period.

Premium is based on your age and health at the time of purchase.  In most cases the earlier you buy a policy the better.  Once you begin receiving benefits you no longer have to pay premiums.  In most cases, the total cost of a LTC policy is far less expensive than the cost of one year in a nursing home.

A good guideline is to not spend more than 5 percent of your monthly income on premiums. Be sure you don’t purchase a LTC policy if you can’t afford the premiums for the rest of your life.  Example: at the healthy age of 60 the yearly premiums could be between $2,000 and $3,000 a year.

Above is a list of points for reference only.  It you are interested in this it’s important that you consult your financial advisor or insurance agent for more details.

Be In The Moment

Most widows don’t want to be in the moment because the current moment holds the pain of grief.  They are looking for the future – a future that has softened their grief.  But what they don’t realize is that the true miracle is right here.

We think that the future will bring happiness but it won’t.  As soon as that future moment comes so does grief if it hasn’t already been dealt with.

The trick is to be in the moment with no need, no attachment and just gratitude for what is good in your life.

As we near the end of our own life, will we realize that we missed out on life itself?

I do my best to be in the moment, knowing as I do that it comes with the good and the bad.  I believe that if I live in the moment, the next moments will be just as good or better.

The key is to be here now, with awareness and gratitude.  You will attract more of the good things in life and appreciate them longer.

I fully realize you may be thinking that you have too much pain to feel grateful for anything at all.  But there’s always something to be grateful for.  It’s a matter of choosing to see it.

Be grateful for the roof over your head, your friends, your meals and your life.  Start wherever you can, because feeling grateful is the fastest way to attract a miracle.

In fact, feeling grateful lets you know that the miracle is already happening.

Facebook and Death

After a person dies, his or her Facebook page remains open until someone closes it.  But without their password it’s very difficult to get it closed.

Some widows want to keep their husbands Facebook page open so that people can write on it.  They also like to go back and see past comments that their husbands had posted.

“Some people like it, because it’s a way for them to memorialize their person who has died, and they can look on it and it makes them feel like they haven’t been forgotten. I think they’re changing the way that we grieve through the use of Facebook, “says Sanderson, a Grief Center Coordinator for the Northern Illinois Hospice and Grief Center.

The other side is that widows are feeling lonely and using Facebook too much can actually increase their loneliness.  It’s healthy to be with other people and not always be by yourself.

Another thought is that Facebook page may be setup to send automatic messages, like birthday well wishes and it can freak people out to get a Facebook message from their dead friend or family member.

This is a decision that could go either way but just in case you ever want to close out your spouse’s social media accounts you should be aware that you will need their passwords to do so.

Stedman Graham and his new book "Identity"

Stedman was written a book called “Identity” and it’s a great book on taking control of who you are and on how to define your identity and path in life.

I strongly recommend his book as it puts the power back into your hands and will help you achieve our goals.

How Do We Wrestle With Grief?

When you lose a loved one grief is the unwanted visitor that comes knocking at our door.

How we wrestle with grief and ultimately push ahead to a new life, varies with each of us.  Many of us need help to bounce back and if we don’t get that help our mental and physical health may buckle under the stress.

Finding support can be the key to a person’s recovery and acceptance of the loss, says the American Cancer Society.  Support can come from friends, physicians, spiritual leaders or mental health professionals.  There is no one easy solution or answer to our personal grief.

Grief can last from several months to several years and can come with feelings of guilt, sadness or numbness.  It might cause trembling, breathing difficulties, sleeplessness, weight loss or gain and may even bring a widow so much mental pain and confusion that it ultimately robs her of her own life.

Grief is as much of a health issue as some infectious diseases.  Dr. Toni Miles, Director at the Gerontology Institute at the University of Georgia says that in their survey, they found that newly bereaved persons are more likely to be hospitalized during the year after the death of their loved one.

Try to wrestle with your grief in your own way, but if you sense that you are unable to deal with your grief, and even close friends and family can’t help, then it’s time to seek outside help.

One thing I have found is that I have the freedom to react or not to what others say and do.  I am in control of my own feelings and I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my life.  Sometimes, others look at widows and judge their actions – it’s too soon or it’s time to move on.  I enjoy time with other widows because they understand that the pain may not be showing on the surface but it’s still there.

Other widows understand how we wrestle with the decisions to move forward – dating or not, travelling or not, when to retire, where to live – these are all decisions that look like they don’t bother us, but they are decisions that we all wrestle with.  Others look at us and judge if we start dating or heaven forbid have a sexual relationship with another man, but there is a lot of emotions that we work through to arrive at that point even though it looks like it’s all smiles and that our grief has passed.

How do we wrestle with grief?  One day at a time – some good and some not, but always moving forward so that our grief does not hold us down long enough for depression to crawl into our lives.