Release Your Sadness

It’s ok to cry – in fact crying is a great way to release some of your sadness.

So, pick a time when no one is around and let yourself be sad.  And let it be ok to really feel sorry for yourself.  I think we all hold these feelings inwards when in fact they should be expressed.

You need to take the time to understand your grief and have compassion for yourself.  Allow yourself the grace of grieving, as you would allow for someone else.

Keep to your time limit,  it is a safe place to release your emotions and yet the conscious mind will know that this concentrated sadness is only for a time.

One of the most common emotional diseases of this century is caused when normal grief turns into depression because sadness was not released.

Discover your own unique truth by letting your sadness have its time.  

Clean Out Your Clutter

Sentimental belongings and things that bring memories into our lives should be treated with great care and respect—not packed away or treated like clutter.

But if there is a lot of physical clutter in your home de-cluttering will calm your spirit, clear your mind and increase your ability to enjoy your current situation and your life!

 What would you do if you actually had to use everything you own, including all that stuff in the drawers, cupboards, closets, shelves and boxes in your kitchen, bedrooms, living room, basement, attic, garage, rafters, driveway, patio, side yard and cars?

 Most of us will never accomplish such an overwhelming task. Instead, we pack it, stack it and pile it away—even pay rent to store it—and keep accumulating even more. More stuff only dilutes the quality of our lives.

Ask yourself these questions to decide if it’s clutter or not:

Does it work? So much of the clutter in our homes is made up of broken things.

Do I really need it? Determine the impact if this item disappeared.

Do I enjoy it? If this item brings beauty and joy to your life, it is not clutter.

Am I using it now? When was the last time you wore it or used it?

Will I use it in the next year? If you are not certain you will use it soon, it’s clutter!

Sell it, give it away or throw it out. One of the best solutions for “good stuff” is to give it to someone who wants or needs it.  

The more seriously you take this matter of de-junking, the greater the positive impact it will have on your life. Important stuff will be easier to find when you don’t have to rifle through piles of worthless clutter.

How To Communicate With A Grieving Person

Do you often feel like no one is listening, really listening to what you are saying?

Well, then you can imagine how hard it is for a widowed person to share their grief when they don’t feel like anyone is listening to them.

The following are some guidelines designed to help you communicate more effectively with those who have lost a loved one.

Acknowledge what they said by reflecting back what you just heard.

Show empathy to what they are feeling by trying to imagine what its like for them.

Be sincere and honest about difficult topics instead of beating around the bush.

Acknowledge your share of any misunderstanding between you and the griever.

Laughing together is a great way to defuse tension so use some good natured humor.

Don’t ever talk behind the widowed person’s back.

If your upset don’t generalize – they don’t have the energy to guess why you are upset.

Happy Thanksgiving in Canada

This is the start of the very long holiday season that doesn't end until after the new year. It's the worst time of the year for those that have lost a loved one.

All that happy, happy, happy can drive us to hide in our rooms and there never seems to be as many couples up and about as there are on the holidays.

But having said all that, I am thankful:

I woke up in a warm bed with my own roof over my head
I was able to get out of bed without assistance
I enjoyed a great breakfast out of a well stock cupboard
I will be spending time with family and friends
I am in a free country

No matter where you are in your life today you are alive and you are God's child.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mary Francis

Expressing Our Feelings of Sadness

When we have something good happen to us we usually want to tell the people in our life. When you talk about it, you feel that good feeling again and talking about good things is easy to do.  It’s very unlikely that they don’t want to hear your good news or will tell you “Don’t feel good”.

On the other hand you also want to share your sad feelings with others.  Your first instinct might be to call someone and tell them.  The word is “might” because you have learned that it’s not always safe to talk about your sad feelings.  

Often they may say “Don’t feel bad”, but you do feel bad and not talking about it doesn’t make it stop or go away.  You may not feel safe talking about your grief but those feelings are there.  

So where do those feelings go?  You may be inclined to hold your feelings in and act as if you’re fine, when nothing could be further from the truth.

You tell yourself “don’t feel sad”, “grieve alone”, “time heals”,  ”be strong” and “keep busy”.  Your mind thinks it’s helping you to deal with your feelings but when we trap our feelings inside us there are emotional and physical consequences.

It’s normal and healthy to grieve so always express your feelings - holding your feeling in will cause you more harm then good.

Beyond Grief

Widows are probably one of the most misunderstood groups in the world today.

Family and friends tell her how she should be feeling and doctors want to medicate anyone that is grieving pass one year.  Society judges if you grieve too little or too long and only thinks she is “successful” if she gets back to her “old self” again.

I’ve learned by talking to hundreds of widows and teaching the Grief Recovery Method that there is no norm, no set pattern for healthy grieving and recovery.  It may be difficult for a widow to grieve if she is judging her recovery by the standards of others.  A widow’s grieving is personal, her experience unique and she shouldn’t worry about measuring up to any “rules” of recovery.

It’s best if a widow can separate herself from the beliefs and attitudes of others and get in touch with how she is feeling and her own recovery.  We are not prepared for widowhood and the world is filled with people ready to give advise, but remember that each widow’s journey is her own and it should not be filled with half-truths and myths.

Stress That You Can Control

David Ropeik, director of risk communication at the Harvard Center for Risk Analysis says “Just the stress of fear is dangerous.”

Ropeik’s rule for taming high anxiety:  Be practical, Face your fears, calmly assess the risk, then deal with the ones you can control.  Take a deep breath and go on with your life.

Odd as it is, the risks that you can control are often the ones that stress you out the most. Take the time to understand why those risks make us fearful.  If we understand the fear we will be more able to control our reaction to it and in turn control the stress that it causes us.

When you think of risk, you usually think:  What are my chances of ___?   It’s healthy to rate your risks from small to big.  This will give you a general perspective of just how high your risk is and so just how much stress is justified.

We may be fretting about small risks with remote chances of even happening.  We need to take control of our thoughts and the fears that cause us stress.

One way to beat your fears and control your stress is to keep a gratitude journal, listing at least five things that you are grateful for every day.  It’s not easy being grateful all the time. But it’s when you feel least thankful that you are more open to fear and the stress that it causes.

No Grief Shortcuts Allowed

As a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, I encourage grieving.  

No “light” grief, no shortcuts because the day-in, day-out work of grief is necessary and important.

Sadly, our society wants to limit grief with comments like “You should be over your husband’s death by now”.

Older widows are frequently ask how old their husbands were and are told “Oh, then he lived a good long life.” That’s like a slap in the face. What would have been wrong with him living another few years?

They ask “Had he been sick?” and then continue to tell you “Well, then, it’s best because his suffering is over.” But why did he have to suffer in the first place and what aboutour suffering?

I feel that many people think that because the husband was “old” or “sick”  that the loss should be less significant.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

We are left behind with unfinished plans and we still needed our husbands.  Others try to understand but unless they have suffered the loss of a husband, future plans and are coming home to an empty house, they just are not able to comprehend our grief.  

So don’t let the comments of others make you feel that it’s not normal to grief as long as you have.  Remember – No Grief Shortcuts Allowed.

Honor Our Loved Ones

There are many ways to honor those that we have loved and lost.

Give your grief its voice by expressing your loss.
Display photographs.
Restore old or tattered pictures.
Donate to a worthy cause in their honor.
Enjoy your memories.
Visit or revisit places they loved.
Watch some of their favorite movies.
Plan ways to pass on their possessions.
Revisit the old neighborhoods.
Save something they owned for the grandchildren.
Write a biography of their life:  ”I will always remember…”
Become a companion to someone who is newly widowed.
Create a “Husband” or “Dad” calendar in their honor.
Listen to their favorite music.
Plant a tree or bush in their honor and watch it grow.
Check on extended family and friends who may be finding it hard.
Visit a favorite restaurant and enjoy their favorite item on the menu.
Explore your grief with a psychologist or counselor.
Create something of beauty out of their clothes. Example lap quilt
Make a donation to their alma mater.
Give yourself time to grief and ignore pressures to “move on”.
Write your own will and end-of-life documents.
Find a unique way to celebrate their birthdays.
Join a grief support group.
Remember the anniversary dates of other widows.

Be open to the moments when another’s loss intersects with yours.  Share what you are learning from your own loss.  Opportunities to share your own grief journey will help you to heal.

Know Your "Why"

It still never ceases to amaze me how having a powerful “why” really does shift everything. For me, this is one of the most important questions in life.

If you’re feeling stuck, a quick way to get unstuck is to ask yourself, “Why am I doing what I’m doing?”

My answers to the “WHY” question are:

• I want to make a difference in the lives of those that are grieving.
• I want to be known for doing worthwhile work.
• I want to “be all that I can be”

 Now it’s your turn to ask– “Why am I doing what I’m doing?” 

Your answers may surprise you and perhaps cause you to pause and think about your future.  Don’t let life just happen to you instead know your “Why” and create the future you want.