I’m a widow – I never thought that I would be saying those words in my fifties. As a child the only widows I knew seemed like old women that had nothing to look forward to.
Our lives are molded by what happens to us on our journey. Widows - after seeing grief first hand find solace in each other not because we come from the same city or know mutual friends, but because we have gone through the same psychological grief and pain. We all know what happened without any need of an explanation. We understand each other in a special way.
When I was in my thirties I could talk to a widow and have compassion but I couldn’t really understand what she was going through because I still had my husband. I hadn’t gone through the depths of suffering and loss that I would eventually go through when I was fifty years old.
I used to think widows and widowers were sad people for the rest of their lives. Sometimes I’m sad, but I’ve learned to live life and to make it meaningful. I want to live and I appreciate that I can – Donnie was not so blessed.
I listen to my widowed friends and they listen to me and neither of us are victims, we are just strong women sharing our journey with each other.
It is impossible to live through the loss of our loved ones and remain the same. In my case I know that I’m a better person with a new level of compassion. I write about my journey and hope that it resonates with others and inspires them to have the courage to find themselves and to realize peace comes from within.
So this Saturday when many loved ones get gifts and share kisses I will embrace the person that I have become, the life that has been shaped from my grief and my widowed friends that understand the journey.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all my friends and thank you for being part of my life.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Saying Goodbye to Our Dying Loved One
Saying good-bye to a dying loved one — what to talk about, when, and how — doesn’t come naturally to most of us. All they ask of us is what people appreciate hearing at any time of life: words of candor, reassurance, and love.
It’s hard to say good-bye, but putting off meaningful conversations is perhaps the number-one source of regret. Dying people want to hear four very specific messages from their loved ones: “Please forgive me.” “I forgive you.” “Thank you.” “I love you....”
It’s hard to say good-bye, but putting off meaningful conversations is perhaps the number-one source of regret. Dying people want to hear four very specific messages from their loved ones: “Please forgive me.” “I forgive you.” “Thank you.” “I love you....”
Realize that the dying person usually knows what’s happening. The person who’s dying starts to wonder if nobody else gets it. This stresses them — they have to think about others’ needs instead of dealing with their own. It helps to reassure the dying person that you understand and are ready; in a way, you’re granting the person permission to set aside the troubles of this world.
If the person talks about impending death either directly or indirectly through metaphor, a helpful response would be to say: “Tell me more.” If they are expressing anxiety about finishing certain tasks –You can follow with reassurance: “You’ve done a good job, you’re all set.” Sometimes the person may ask, “Am I dying?” as a way of gauging your feelings. You can reflect the question back: “I don’t know. How are you feeling? Others refuse to directly discuss death and their wishes should be honored.
Being reassured that their loved ones will be fine in their absence helps people feel they can go peacefully. It’s common to seek reconciliation with people, with God or the universe, or within themselves. They often ask directly about particular relationships or express a desire to see someone they’ve been in conflict with themselves.
You may be advised to let your dying loved one know that you are OK with them leaving you. But you don’t feel OK about it and the words are too hard to say. It may be easier to say: “You look tired, sweetheart, please don’t worry about me.” Or “You’ve been such a fighter and if you need to rest, it’s OK.” Helping them to see that they made a difference in the world or within a particular family will fill their need to feel that their live had meaning and purpose.
If the person talks about impending death either directly or indirectly through metaphor, a helpful response would be to say: “Tell me more.” If they are expressing anxiety about finishing certain tasks –You can follow with reassurance: “You’ve done a good job, you’re all set.” Sometimes the person may ask, “Am I dying?” as a way of gauging your feelings. You can reflect the question back: “I don’t know. How are you feeling? Others refuse to directly discuss death and their wishes should be honored.
Being reassured that their loved ones will be fine in their absence helps people feel they can go peacefully. It’s common to seek reconciliation with people, with God or the universe, or within themselves. They often ask directly about particular relationships or express a desire to see someone they’ve been in conflict with themselves.
You may be advised to let your dying loved one know that you are OK with them leaving you. But you don’t feel OK about it and the words are too hard to say. It may be easier to say: “You look tired, sweetheart, please don’t worry about me.” Or “You’ve been such a fighter and if you need to rest, it’s OK.” Helping them to see that they made a difference in the world or within a particular family will fill their need to feel that their live had meaning and purpose.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Make Your Home Happier
When we are grieving nothing appeals to us and our empty home just highlights our loneliness.
Sprucing up our home by making little changes can lighten our outlook on life. A soothing space also allows you to be more creative and happy.
I found that having a messy house made me more anxious, like I had a lot of unfinished things I should be doing. So now I’m cleaning up before I go out – a made bed makes me feel happier????
Painting my rooms in warmer colors also makes me feel better and I find it calming.
Another great idea to try out is building a vision board of things that I want to see and do that has positive energy attached to them.
Don’t do a lot of changes at once because that can just add to your stress. Planning is half the fun so enjoy making your home happier one project at a time.
Sprucing up our home by making little changes can lighten our outlook on life. A soothing space also allows you to be more creative and happy.
I found that having a messy house made me more anxious, like I had a lot of unfinished things I should be doing. So now I’m cleaning up before I go out – a made bed makes me feel happier????
Painting my rooms in warmer colors also makes me feel better and I find it calming.
Another great idea to try out is building a vision board of things that I want to see and do that has positive energy attached to them.
Don’t do a lot of changes at once because that can just add to your stress. Planning is half the fun so enjoy making your home happier one project at a time.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Learning To Accept Help
The death of a loved one feels so unreal and yet we still think we can handle it on our own. We think, “I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me”, so we don’t accept the support or help offered.
Usually composed and capable, we don’t want to burden others with our worries or loneliness. Still, we can’t block out those feelings. Please call someone and confide to them, opening up will give them a chance to do something for you, even if it’s just to provide a listening ear.
Did you know that the number-one energy zapper is stress? Luckily, spending time with friends can chase away that stress, fight fatigue and even nourish your soul. Friends are angels and when you bring them into your life, they brighten everything with their playfulness and love.
How often in our daily lives had we put conditions on our happiness? When we get older, retire, pay off the mortgage, get the children grown – then we will find the time to do what we want. But then our loved one dies and there is so little joy in a present filled with uncertainties.
I’m often too serious and get too involved in my projects. That is where friends come to my rescue with some fun and laughter. I saw this plaque yesterday while shopping with my friends from “The Chicks Night Out” group and I want to pass it on:
I stopped and asked myself, “So, am I dancing in the rain?” I think I am. I do know that I try to be more committed to taking time to recognize and be grateful for the immense blessings that are around me.
Thanks to friends and family I celebrate my blessings more. Yes, one step at a time, I’m learning to dance in the rain but I would never have gotten to that place without learning to accept the help and support that was offered to me.
Usually composed and capable, we don’t want to burden others with our worries or loneliness. Still, we can’t block out those feelings. Please call someone and confide to them, opening up will give them a chance to do something for you, even if it’s just to provide a listening ear.
Did you know that the number-one energy zapper is stress? Luckily, spending time with friends can chase away that stress, fight fatigue and even nourish your soul. Friends are angels and when you bring them into your life, they brighten everything with their playfulness and love.
How often in our daily lives had we put conditions on our happiness? When we get older, retire, pay off the mortgage, get the children grown – then we will find the time to do what we want. But then our loved one dies and there is so little joy in a present filled with uncertainties.
I’m often too serious and get too involved in my projects. That is where friends come to my rescue with some fun and laughter. I saw this plaque yesterday while shopping with my friends from “The Chicks Night Out” group and I want to pass it on:
“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
Thanks to friends and family I celebrate my blessings more. Yes, one step at a time, I’m learning to dance in the rain but I would never have gotten to that place without learning to accept the help and support that was offered to me.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Family In Grief
They have not denied their pain or hidden from it. But, at the same time, they have chosen to live. And through that choice they have affirmed their belief in their family and they have learned how to be joyous.
When you go through such a difficult experience, you of course reassess your priorities. The desire to do something good to express your loss in a positive way becomes very strong. Use all those feelings as a motor for change and express your loss by helping others.
A very difficult or tragic experience can have a strong effect, and it can be either positive or negative. Families can either split apart or grow together and making that decision is very important, because it directs your actions towards your choice.
They have to be willing to try anything anyone suggested that might make them whole again — therapy, support groups, prayer, yoga, spiritual counseling, charity, community support.
They have asserted that life is stronger than death, that giving is stronger than grief. A family in grief has learned that when the pain comes, let it be, and it will pass. Don’t resist it.
When you go through such a difficult experience, you of course reassess your priorities. The desire to do something good to express your loss in a positive way becomes very strong. Use all those feelings as a motor for change and express your loss by helping others.
A very difficult or tragic experience can have a strong effect, and it can be either positive or negative. Families can either split apart or grow together and making that decision is very important, because it directs your actions towards your choice.
They have to be willing to try anything anyone suggested that might make them whole again — therapy, support groups, prayer, yoga, spiritual counseling, charity, community support.
They have asserted that life is stronger than death, that giving is stronger than grief. A family in grief has learned that when the pain comes, let it be, and it will pass. Don’t resist it.
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