Saying Goodbye to Our Dying Loved One

Saying good-bye to a dying loved one — what to talk about, when, and how — doesn’t come naturally to most of us. All they ask of us is what people appreciate hearing at any time of life: words of candor, reassurance, and love.

It’s hard to say good-bye, but putting off meaningful conversations is perhaps the number-one source of regret. Dying people want to hear four very specific messages from their loved ones: “Please forgive me.” “I forgive you.” “Thank you.” “I love you....”
 

Realize that the dying person usually knows what’s happening. The person who’s dying starts to wonder if nobody else gets it. This stresses them — they have to think about others’ needs instead of dealing with their own. It helps to reassure the dying person that you understand and are ready; in a way, you’re granting the person permission to set aside the troubles of this world.

If the person talks about impending death either directly or indirectly through metaphor, a helpful response would be to say: “Tell me more.” If they are expressing anxiety about finishing certain tasks –You can follow with reassurance: “You’ve done a good job, you’re all set.” Sometimes the person may ask, “Am I dying?” as a way of gauging your feelings. You can reflect the question back: “I don’t know. How are you feeling? Others refuse to directly discuss death and their wishes should be honored.

Being reassured that their loved ones will be fine in their absence helps people feel they can go peacefully. It’s common to seek reconciliation with people, with God or the universe, or within themselves. They often ask directly about particular relationships or express a desire to see someone they’ve been in conflict with themselves.

You may be advised to let your dying loved one know that you are OK with them leaving you. But you don’t feel OK about it and the words are too hard to say. It may be easier to say: “You look tired, sweetheart, please don’t worry about me.” Or “You’ve been such a fighter and if you need to rest, it’s OK.” Helping them to see that they made a difference in the world or within a particular family will fill their need to feel that their live had meaning and purpose.

What's Really Important Is Memories

They say that wisdom comes with age but even so I’m a late learner.

Yesterday I taught a workshop on “Law of Attraction” and I had one of those light bulb moments of clarity.  While having lunch with the group we started talking about caregivers and how for some it comes naturally – they live to care for others and don’t feel the least stressed or put upon.  While for others looking after someone for even a few days stretches them to their limits.  Sadly most of us will end up being caregivers some time in our lives.

I started talking about my mother and how we lived with my grandfather on the farm while I was growing up.  Mom looked after my grandfather until he died, then her oldest cousin lived with us until he died of cancer, then my Aunt Marion lived with us for eleven years until she died, then Uncle Doug and Uncle Russell and the list goes on.  Even later on in my Mother’s life she would drive others in the Senior Complex around to their appointments.

Mom was a natural caregiver but it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized Mom’s secret and that I had it all along and didn’t know it.

When Mom died she didn’t really have anything of value and so most of her stuff was donated.  But from my childhood memories I kept Mom’s small tin treasure chest full of pennies.  I remember for years as a child all the people that would come to our house to play cards and have a cup of tea.  Mom would always bring out her treasure of pennies to play with.

But I just realized that the memory is not in the card games but in Mom’s laughter and joy in life.  She knew how to enjoy what life gave her and she was truly happy with very little.  Mom had no car in those days, was bringing up five daughters and was boarding two other girls.  There was never any money but she always enjoyed people and they were drawn to her.

I dug out that old tin treasure chest and put it on my fireplace so that it will be a consistent reminder to me about what really matters.  Mom knew that the secret is friends and that the joys of life are free because laughter doesn’t even cost a penny.

AARP Study on Longevity

There has been a major shift for people between fifty and seventy-five as this generation is expected to be the healthiest and longest lived in history.

The National Center for Health Statistics reports that an American who reaches the age of sixty-five can survive to age ninety – almost doubled from forty years ago.

AARP study shows that a surprising number of people plan to work during their retirement years.  We need to stay active for our lives to have purpose, to venture into new domains and develop new skills.

For longevity “retirement” should not be in our vocabulary and we need to challenge the culture that says aging leads to the deterioration of our mind and body.  There is a social and psychological benefit from being part of the community and enjoying life as we move into our leisure years.

You may be on your own but that doesn’t mean you have to be lonely.

Financial Decisions Widows Need To Make

Financial decisions have to be made every time you turn around.   Everyone has an opinion but not everyone is an expert.

This is your future security so be very cautious. 

• Ask your bank about their Financial Planning Consultants.

• Talk to your Insurance Agent about your policies and financial planning.

• See your Lawyer to redo your will and ask about a living trust fund.

• Think about preplanning your funeral – it’s a gift to the family.

• Take time to be grateful for what you do have and more abundance will come to you.

Can you afford to live the life you really want? You have to take control because ignorance is not bliss when it comes to your money. If you don’t know what to do or how to do it asking for help is your first step.   We all need support when learning new skills.   Also, give to others -not just money but in sharing of your time to help someone else.

Check out   the website http://widowed.ca/ for some great advise for Canadian widows.

Balance your check book and get your bills together. Know what is coming in and what is going out every month. Identify the expenses that are unnecessary and get rid of them.  Ask yourself what adds value to your life.   This website www.debtproofliving.com has some great advise.

Living well does not require having a lot of money. And living within your means does not mean that you have to give up those things you enjoy. The key is to stop and ask yourself what truly makes you happy and go for quality of life not quantity of things.

My Personal Grief Journey

We were married for twenty-seven years when Donnie died of cancer at the age of fifty-three.  I was fifty and very angry with life.  We did everything right, worked hard, saved, brought up two children and we were suppose to enjoy our later years with travel and couple time.  The dream failed and I couldn’t accept it.

I found my healing by talking to other widows and listening to their journeys of Grief and Healing.

For my personal journey as a widow please visit  http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/marys-blog/   But even more important listen to your heart so you can start your own journey to healing.

I’ve lived a completely different life then I had planned, but I found a passion to believe.  This forced me to think outside of my own grief and that was my saving grace.  I’ve passed the five year mark and I want to thank everyone that has traveled this journey with me.  In some ways I have to thank those that have also drifted out of my life and in so doing left room for some new friends.

Life does move on and it takes some doing to get back on life’s highway but its much better on the highway then in the ditch     Please don’t give up because life is worth living, even if it is on your own.