Four Promises of Forgiveness by Ken Sande, The Peacemaker

Nothing in this world is more stressful then the death of a loved one.  At this time emotions are running high and things that may not have bothered us instead become a major point of disagreement.

Yes people say things that are hurtful or thoughtless but they just don’t understand how sensitive and emotional unbalanced we are.  In return we may say things that we would never have said if we weren’t in so much pain.

I’m passing on “The Four Promises of Forgiveness” by Ken Sande, the Peacemaker

1.  I will no longer dwell on this incident.

2.  I will not bring up this incident again or use it against you.

3.  I will not talk to others about this incident.

4.  I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.

Forgiveness is a two way street and I know that to not forgive is not move forward.  In the end it doesn’t really matter who is right and who is wrong because forgiveness is a gift you give yourself .  It will emotionally free you from more disappointment and pain so you can focus on healing.

Is Grief a Mental illness?

Recently there has been a major change in how the Psychiatric Association will treat grief.

Below are two recent articles on the issue of whether grief is a mental illness or a normal part of life and death.  I’m including the links to the full articles so you can read and make up your own mind as to whether this is a move in the right direction or not.

Washington Post : Article by Associated Press, Published May 15

 Chicago— In the new psychiatric manual of mental disorders, grief soon after a loved one’s death can be considered major depression.

Those changes are just some of the reasons prominent critics say the American Psychiatric Association is out of control, turning common human problems into mental illnesses in a trend they say will just make the “pop-a-pill” culture worse.

The manual’s release comes at a time of increased scrutiny of health care costs and concern about drug company influence over doctors.

Read the full article at:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/is-grief-a-mental-illness-psychiatrists-critics-face-off-over-revised-diagnostic-guidebook/2013/05/15/cb6613fe-bd8d-11e2-b537-ab47f0325f7c_story.html

Washington Post :  Article by Tim Townsend – Religion News Service, Published: May 20

Psychiatry historically has refrained from calling normal grief a mental disorder. Since the last DSM was published in 1994, the guideline has been that when symptoms — sadness, distress, insomnia, trouble concentrating, lack of appetite — begin within two months of a loved one’s death, but do not persist beyond those two months, psychiatrists should not diagnose “major depressive disorder.” In earlier decades, psychiatrists waited a year before such a diagnosis.

The revision narrows that window to two weeks. So a person who has five of nine symptoms that define depression — regardless of the reason behind those symptoms — could be diagnosed as mentally ill.

Read the full article at:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/can-grief-be-a-mental-illness-with-new-diagnostic-changes-maybe/2013/05/20/901f801e-c189-11e2-9aa6-fc21ae807a8a_story.html

Children May Not Show Their Grief

Article by:  Catherine Johnston And Rebecca Nappi 

“Children grieve through short spurts and then may return to a normal activity,” said Deborah Hutton, a supervisor for chaplains with Providence Health & Services in Olympia.

When children resume their normal behavior patterns and activities, adults may mistakenly believe that the children are just fine, dismissing children’s need for grief support. This dismissal can leave them feeling sad, confused and acting out their feelings.

If your community does not offer a grief support group for children, consult Children’s Grief Education Association, www.childgrief.org, where you will find information on children’s grief responses, how to help and what to say, a support group locator and survivors of suicide information.

Your grandchildren may tell you how they feel or what they believe about the loss as they play with blocks, enjoy the outdoors or draw pictures. So pay attention.

“A child I worked with drew a picture of herself with a cord around her wrist. The other end of the cord reached up into the sky – heaven – where it wrapped around her mother,” Hutton said.

This is a great article to help us understand a child’s grief and for more information please go to : http://childgrief.org/childgrief.htm

Life Choices As A Widow

I used to feel that there were hundreds of life’s choices but once I thought about it I was surprised at just how few there really are:

Family
Fun
Health
Work
Life’s Purpose
Money
Relationships
Self-Image
Self-Growth
Travel

Almost all of my decisions will fall within one of these ten groups.  What I soon realized is that many of these life choices don’t require actual change but further knowledge or a change of perspective.

We cannot, for instance, change the loss of our husband.  We can only change ourselves and our reaction to the loss.

As widows clear thinking is hard to come by as we have been thrown completely off balance and into the unknown world of single life.

Flexibility is the ability to choose how we respond to our life events.  We need to be flexible so we can use clear thinking when we make decisions.

Clear thinking and flexibility don’t come naturally when you are widowed.  You have to seek out positive resources and work your way through the grief.  Don’t give up and get swallowed up in your pain.

Take control because it’s your life and it’s up to you to make the life choices that need to be made. What we change will switch us to balance, harmony and self-empowerment which in turn will result in a new life of accomplishment.

Dealing with the Loss of Your Spouse

Grief doesn’t come in nice, discrete stages – it often comes in waves and I’ve found that with the passage of time, the waves don’t last as long or reach as high.

But there are still times when they come washing over me and I found this last month hard to handle.  It has been over five years since Donnie died but on his birthday he would have been fifty-eight years old.

All our plans for retirement, enjoying the cottage and travelling died with Donnie.  We lose so much when our husbands die and it takes time and effort to get back on track.

We need to grieve but after the tears and shock we are faced with confronting a life that is strange – a non-couple, single again life.

We need to find support that understands our confusion and pain – change our way of thinking and expand our horizons.  It sounds easy but it’s not!

I looked after my grandchildren this past weekend while their parents were away.  While doing their laundry I wondered if my son wore the same size pants as his father.  Silly, isn’t it – the thoughts that pop into our minds.  But while folding the laundry I couldn’t resist looking at my son’s pant size.  And there it was – he wore the same size as his father.  Such a silly and unimportant fact and yet it was important for me to know.

Birthday’s, holidays and anniversaries will come and go but grief can still be overwhelming as you realize that all your dreams and plans have been totally wiped out, never to come true in the ways you had imagined.  I felt that Donnie was always going to be the other half of what made me feel whole and it took me a while to feel complete again.

Dealing with the loss of your spouse is a process that takes time.  Grieving also takes hard work to find your bearings again and to feel like you are a valuable, though single, person.  But if you continue to put forth the effort and give yourself time, you will eventually heal and find your way.

Feelings are a big part of what makes you a distinct person.  Coupled with your thoughts, beliefs, and values, they contribute to your uniqueness.  What you feel isn’t right or wrong, good or bad – Feeling just are.

Your feelings will change over time, especially as you begin to work through them and create new thoughts and behaviors.  Grief doesn’t go away on its own; it needs to be dealt with openly and honestly.

Children and Grief

So often children’s feelings are left unaddressed and thus, we send the message that their feelings are unimportant.  This can start a life cycle where they learn to bury their feelings under deep layers because encouragement was not offered for them to freely express themselves.

They need understanding and patience, comfort and acceptance, but are often missed because we are experiencing our own grief and loss.

- Choose a time to talk to your child without interruptions and distractions.

- Choose a place that is quiet and comfortable – like a walk in a park.

-  Be relaxed and open to what they have to say.

-  Be aware of their age and level of understanding.

-  Keep focused on the child by giving them your full attention.
 Listen patiently and if you don’t have the answers just say so.

-  Show your love and faith that things will work out.

-  Be aware that children watch how you are acting with others because your actions are more powerful than your words.

It’s hard to tell a child that death is part of life and we grow from it, but we can help each other by just talking openly about the death of their loved one.

Children are just small people and in their grief need the same thing we need – kindness, understanding, compassion and love.

We Need Positive People In Our Lives

I enjoy encouraging people to seek out the positive in life by listening to others with the intent to find good about what they are saying or doing.

If you tune into the positive, you will get clues about what they are doing and can respond with a positive phrase like “You can do it”   -    “Thank you”   or   “That’s a great idea”.

A positive frame of mind changes how you think and enables you to lift up others.  When you begin to seek the positive you will begin to feel better about life.

All of this self-esteem comes from simply developing the habit of looking for the good in others.  When that happens, you begin to see the good in yourself.  Before you know it people will recognize the good in you and praise you for it.

The point is a positive message – a simple sentence can change a person’s life.

So the questions are:

• What kind of sentences are you speaking?
• What are you hearing from the people in your life – positive or negative talk?
• Are you creating an encouraging atmosphere for others?
• Are the people in your life dragging you down or lifting you up?

I know that life is beyond hard and that deep grief can get a hold of us to the point that no joy or light can come into our lives.  But positive words contain a hidden power that, when released, can change us.

Our decision to live with positive thinking and positive actions will not only help us to grieve and heal, it will lift up the people in our lives and inspire them to do more.

We need to shift our attitude towards positive thinking because negative self talk holds us down and prevents us from being all that we can be.

So this Easter I give you Philippians 4:7-9 (NIV):

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely; whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”