Fear of Death is a Challenge to Overcome

Talking about dying is very difficult.  I remember when Donnie and I found out that he had cancer.  We didn’t talk about his possible death; it was as if we could delay or even elude it if we didn’t talk about it.

I certainly didn’t know how to talk about dying and I’m sure Donnie was just trying to take it all in.  When he died (one week later) sitting at the kitchen table we still hadn’t come to terms with what the doctors where saying to us.

I’ve come to the understanding that dying is hard emotionally – there is that part inside of me that wonders about who I am, who I was as a wife and who I will be in the future.

Donnie’s dying presents a challenge I would ignore if I could.  It’s a challenge because I’m faced with knowing about dying first hand and I’m no longer innocent about death.

There are no medications for loneliness, grief, fear and despair.  How do you address it when you don’t even understand it?  I had to learn to listen, not only with my ears but with my heart as well.

I’ve learned to respect that whatever the Widows are saying is their truth, their reality, theirexperience of having lived with a spouse with a terminal illness.

Dying is a frightening time because we fear death.  We have a sense of anxiety and panic because life is out of our control.  While our husbands were alive we may have found it awkward to speak to each other about the dying process.

For Donnie and me, it seemed that silence was more appropriate than conversation.  We could always talk about it later – but later never came.

Questions go unanswered, feelings of love are not expressed and fears are not shared.  The missed opportunity is so final, so sad and so irreversible.

I wish I had known then what I know now about the process of dying.  I wish someone had talked to us about dying and yet how we could still take in every moment while Donnie was still alive.

If you have a loved one with a terminal illnesses don’t wait to talk about death.  People who are dying are still living and they need to share their feelings and fears while they still can.

A Widow's Financial Challenge

Widows face multiple challenges when it comes to money: In general, they live longer, earn less, and take more breaks from the workforce to care for children, which contributes to lower lifetime earnings. They even pay higher interest rates on credit cards, and higher prices for personal-care items, such as haircuts.

A widow’s lack of financial know how, does become a problem as she grows older. Among marriages that don’t end in divorce, three-quarters end in widowhood, and the average length of widowhood is nine years. That’s a long time to manage money on one’s own.

Women who experience widowhood earlier than expected could suffer because they were not prepared to take over the family finances. Widows who don’t feel equipped to manage their money can ask for the support of an adult child or Financial planner, but some financial knowledge will protect them from scams or bad Financial planners.

A widow with insufficient financial knowledge may find herself without a firm understanding of how much she can afford to spend, what her holdings are, or how quickly her money may go.  It’s a sad future when the money runs out before the end of the month.  Take control of your money and learn how to read your bank statements, investment statements and how to set up a budget so your money will last your lifetime.

You never want to be in the situation where you find yourself saying, “I just don’t know where all the money goes”.

Automatic Review of Our Marriage

When someone you love dies an almost automatic review process begins. The widow will remember many events that occurred over the length of her marriage. Some of the events are happy and produce fond memories; some are unhappy and produce sad memories.

During this review the widow will usually discover some things that she wishes had ended “different, better, or more.” It is those unsaid things which need to be discovered and talked about.

Every widow is unique and responds to grief and healing at her own pace. It is essential never to compare one widow to another. Each and every widow has her own individual beliefs about how to deal with her feelings of loss.

Widows need to talk about “What Happened” almost immediately following the loss. It pre-occupies them, just as a person may be pre-occupied with an accident or some other tragedy.

Socialite believes that grievers want and need to be alone.  How many of you remember being told not to bring up the death of your Uncle to your Aunt?   Your family hoped to avoid the topic of the loss, in an attempt to protect your Aunt.

Let each widow remember her relationship with her husband and share it when and how she wants. Love and respect her enough to quietly let her talk and just be there for her.

Widows Resource Site

It all started over a year ago when new widows would call me or they were being referred to me by the Funeral Homes.  I was trying to get them all together once a month at a restaurant but some of the widows just could not afford the meal. The last time we got together at a restaurant there was a young widow at one end of the table and another at the opposite end.  I could not help but think that they should have had a chance to talk to each other but because of the seating they never did.

After that I approached Holly Reid at Brenan’s Funeral Home about my concerns and she got permission for us to use their lower level meeting area every month.  It has a back entry, bathrooms and kitchen area so you feel like you are in a private rented area.

We started with only a few widows but we have grown and have lots of bus trips and social events in addition to our monthly Chick’s Night Out.  New widows come in barely saying anything but over the months they relax and find support and encouragement from the other widows.

What a new widow needed was somebody to talk to urgently - somebody who would understand what she was dealing with. Only another widow could appreciate how difficult weekends can be without her husband. Only another widow could understand the trauma associated with clearing out a closet full of a husband's clothes. Some, like myself, do it immediately because they want to get it over with quickly while others take years.

Since its beginnings, Chick’s Night Out has also developed small protocols. During our get together some widows pair off and talk. If they want to cry, it's allowed. Conversation is almost never restricted.  Sometimes they group up to play a game of cards or a board game

.

The only hard rule the group has developed is the word "should" is strictly forbidden.  It must never be “you should do this or you should do that," instead we encourage, 'Well, this is what I did and it helped me.' "

Over the months, firm, loving and happy friendships have formed.  Friendships that will last a lifetime because of the bond they share.

It is not a going-there-just-to-cry kind of thing - it is a safe place to learn to share and laugh again.  To learn more about the group sign up for our monthly newsletter “Our Shared Journey”.   It's free to subscribe and also offers three free gifts:    http://tinyurl.com/d6p8jex   

My Personal Grief Journey

We were married for twenty-seven years when Donnie died of cancer at the age of fifty-three.  I was fifty and very angry with life.  We did everything right, worked hard, saved, brought up two children and we were suppose to enjoy our later years with travel and couple time.  The dream failed and I couldn’t accept it.

I found my healing by talking to other widows and listening to their journeys of Grief and Healing.

For my personal journey as a widow please visit  http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/marys-blog/   But even more important listen to your heart so you can start your own journey to healing.

I’ve lived a completely different life then I had planned, but I found a passion to believe.  This forced me to think outside of my own grief and that was my saving grace.  I’ve passed the five year mark and I want to thank everyone that has traveled this journey with me.  In some ways I have to thank those that have also drifted out of my life and in so doing left room for some new friends.

Life does move on and it takes some doing to get back on life’s highway but its much better on the highway then in the ditch     Please don’t give up because life is worth living, even if it is on your own.

A Widow's Identity

You may think that you know who you are but your identity will change and evolve when you go from being a wife to being a widow.  It’s up to you to be aware of these changes so you can use them to get rebalanced.

Your future happiness depends on you knowing “your authentic identity” from the inside out.  You’re a widow but that’s not your identity.  You have the ability to do extraordinary things and to embrace life by creating value in this world.  Value is not based on the world’s view of value (money and possessions) but the value of being a good parent, friend or fellow worker.  To care about others and to make a difference in their lives is “creating value”.

Going from wife to widow throws you off balance and sociality has changed your “label” and you may not know who you are or understand how to take back control.  If this is you, you need to understand that you are not alone.  I felt the same way when Donnie died at the age of fifty-three.

It took me a while to realize that I was not alone, that there were others with the “widow” label.  I realized that they could help me get clarity so I could rebuild my life. Personal growth requires some growing pains but it gives you the gift of freedom and it helps you on your journey from grief to healing.

My advice to help you on your journey is to seek out other widows and share stories.  Make sure the widows are ahead of you in their own healing so they will bring you up, not down.

Our Grief Causes Sickness

Our emotions are heightened when we are grieving and that creates alot of stress on the body.  There have been several studies that show that grievers have a higher rate of visits to doctors and are hospitalized more often.  Sadly grievers have a 300% above average incidences of bowel cancer and they have higher incidences of death.

Grief is the trigger that tells the brain that an enemy is out there and the body goes into emergency status.  Blood pressure elevates, the heart pumps faster, acid builds up in the stomach, the body is so focused on fighting this stress that the white blood cell production decreases to give the body the energy it needs.

Grief causes illness because our normal defense system is weakened.  We are physically vulnerable, especially if our grief is severe over a long period of time.

Be aware of this danger and seek some relief from the harsh stress you are under.  Seek out support and help from other widows, your doctor or from professional counselors.  Don’t let your grief take your health from you.

Widows getting rebalanced by Positive Healing

As a widow it’s not where I am but where I’m going that counts.

When I went from being a wife to being a widow I had to define myself and get rebalanced.  I didn’t know where I fit in.  My future, as I had planned it, was gone and my new future was grey and empty.

I had to take ownership of my life – define myself based on everything I loved and cared about.  That wasn’t as easy as it sounds because back then I didn’t love or care about anything as I was stuck in my grief.  It’s almost impossible to be in control without knowing yourself.  Everyone will define you as they see you and not as you truly are.  What’s important is that you define the person you want to be.

Work on the core of who you are and not the outside factors that the world sees.  You are not your “family” – “a wife”- “a mother” – “a sister” – “a daughter” – “specific race” – “what you own” etc.

I learned that what I focused on expanded and that was where my power to heal was.  I started focusing on the things I loved having in my life – family, friends, my health, other widows, the cottage and working on “The Sisterhood of Widows”.  Instead of focusing on what I no longer had I focused on my passions.

I was in a negative place back in those early days of grief and I knew I had to pull myself out of it.  It all came to a head when I went on a Valentine’s cruise that Donnie and I had planned.  Of course I was in denial but I didn’t know it then.  A week on that couple cruise as a single was my wakeup call that something had to change.

When I got home I purchased lots of DVD’s and CD’s on goal setting – creating a vision for what I wanted in my life and filling my spirit with positive not negative energy.  I watched hours and hours of those DVD’s night after night and as I slowly started focusing on making a new life for myself I started to come alive with a passion to help others.

I was well into my second year before I learned that I needed to focus on the positive things in my life.  I hope that you read this message earlier on your journey so that you can start on the path of healing by focusing on the things you love.

For positive CD’s from widows that have travelled the grief journey please check this out:  http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/featured-products/