Are You Too Busy?

Our lives have become so hectic and over scheduled that stopping to make a phone call to someone we really want to talk to, often feels like just one more additional thing to do.

I know that keeping busy has always been my way of handling grief and stress but it can be a dangerous habit.

There has been a massive increase in the last several years in people always talking about how busy they are. It’s a real epidemic! You don’t talk to someone in person or on the phone without hearing about how busy they are or how tired they are and how they have no time for themselves.

They talk about it because so much of it is true. If a group of women want to get together it’s a major project to figure out a time when they can all do it. It’s a crazy thing that our society has done as our communities have become a distant memory.

When I grew up there was always people dropping in for tea and today, no one drops in. If something was happening someone noticed and cared. Intimate human communication was just part of our lives but now we have to schedule a time for it.

We buy beautiful picture frames that say “Family” or “Friendship” and put photos in them of people that we are too busy to see or call.

I’m just as bad as everyone else – too busy is my motto but I’m trying and I want you to be aware so that you can also try. Family and Friends use to be a part of our lives and not just something to schedule in. Let’s try together to stop and think about what we are doing the next time we say “I’m too busy”!

Will a Support Group Help me Grieve?

Widows often ask me, “Do support groups work?” or “Will a support group help my grief?”
The answer is “Yes” – regardless of your background, age or circumstances, widows who joined a support group were able to heal faster. They felt less depressed and used less medication or alcohol to soften their feelings of sadness.

The more deeply you get involved in the group, the greater the signs of recovery. Widows become less anxious, have a greater sense of well-being and higher hope for their future.

As a widow, the greatest challenge is the struggle to become “single”. The support you receive from a group that encourages you to live for today is very important.

Your future as planned has been taken away from you when your spouse died, and it takes a long time to build a new future. At first you feel cheated because you expected to grow old together so it’s natural to need support.

“The Chicks Night Out” is an example of a support group for women who have lost a loved one. It’s not a formal meeting, but a place to share your journey. At first you may not feel like you need this group of people, but soon you will get more involved and get to know the other ladies.

Your new friends in the group will help you to get over your disappointment in your old friends, find joy in the present moment and make sense of the emotional journey of highs and lows.

Look around your home town and find a support group. Even though you don’t feel like it – give it a chance. If that group doesn’t feel right than go in search of another group. It doesn’t have to be a formal group but it should be a group of people that understand your sorrow.

Loneliness is a Challenge for Widows

Loneliness is the greatest challenge faced by survivors. When it comes to accepting and dealing with loss, each day presents its own challenge.

A simple everyday task can trigger the loneliness of loss. Loneliness is judged to be more difficult to endure than fatigue, anxiety and memory loss.

Indeed, the intensity of loneliness can be so severe that widows and widowers may experience illusions and hallucinations of the deceased. About a third tell their doctors they have seen, heard or even talked to their dead husband or wife. These experiences do not in any way indicate mental illness as it’s just their way of dealing with the loss of their loved ones.

The oldest widows and widowers have the most consistent improvement in their loneliness over time – they do this by relying on friends. I suspect that friends provide a respite from daily routines and an outlet for confiding thoughts and feelings.

People who can talk about their worries and fears with friends are better able to deal with the challenges of loneliness.

Holiday Grief

The holiday season can be especially rough for those of us who’ve lost someone close recently or who lost someone close at this time of the year. With all the messages of family togetherness and joy, the emptiness left behind when someone passes away is in harsh contrast to what society seems to “expect” us to feel.

CMHA Offers 10 Tips for Holiday Peace of Mind and Holiday Grief. Full article with tips and support from the Canadian Mental Health Association: http://www.cmha.bc.ca/get-informed/news/media/05/12/14

Helping Grieving Children Deal with the Holidays

Children are often referred to as the “forgotten mourners.” They have learned not to upset their parents and so they withdraw and don’t ask any questions. They just hope things will turn out fine and that they will have a good Christmas.

 

One of the difficulties children have in dealing with their grief is that they are often discouraged from expressing grief. Since the grief of a child increases the pain adults are feeling, adults often avoid talking with children about their feelings. They don’t always understand a child’s grief.

Include children in any discussion about the holidays. It is a time of great insecurity for them and they need the security and support of the family.

Ask the children what they would like to have happen on Christmas Day. Ask them what they want and what they don’t want. It is best to know ahead of time what is going to happen rather than approach the day without any plans.

Get the children’s ideas about an appropriate gift or donation in memory of a loved one. They may also like the idea of putting a new decoration on the tree in memory of the one who has died. Let them choose a special memory candle to burn.

Give the children a break from the family. If they want to spend part of their Christmas holidays with their friends, let them.

You Gotta Have Friends!

You have likely already heard how important friendships are when you are grieving. Recent studies show that lonely grievers are more likely to develop high blood pressure, sleep poorly and get sick more often. On the other hand if you are well connected you are healthier and life is a little bit easier to take.

Friends are the lifesavers that you turn to when you are grieving and you need to vent. But how many friends does it take to feel happy and loved? Fewer than you might think!
The happiest of people say they have positive, close friendships and that their friendships give them unconditional support as well as help with their stress.

As we grieve, we want fewer but more fulfilling friendships. We just don’t have the energy to put ourselves out there to keep in touch with a lot of different friends. Not only do some of our friends leave us when we become widowed – we also choose to end some friendships. As some friendships end, established connections become stronger, and their impact on us is felt more deeply.

When grieving we may lean towards being loner like. We all need close friends when life gets chaotic but right now we need to focus on grieving and we need to ease our anxiety about the future. Treasure the people in your inner circle, clinging to them as your grieve and heal. But don’t worry about those superficial people that have moved on or that you no longer want to spend time with.

You may have no energy at this point to socialize but if you’re realistic about it, you’ll realize that you will have plenty of time to make new friends as you heal – and you will!

The Best and Worst in People

I’ve found that the holidays bring out the best and worst in people. We spend time with family that we don’t always want to be with. We attend functions out of obligation or good old fashion guilt trips. There is often a family member who likes to stir things up, estranged siblings, rambunctious kids or the family drunk. Throw in crowded airports or cars and living out of a suitcase – it’s enough to make you want to run away!

If you have company coming to stay with you, than you are the host with all the added duties that go with it. You may love having the company come but in the end you can’t wait till they are gone and everything is quiet again.

When we are grieving we just don’t have the energy for people (even loved ones). I don’t ever recommend choosing isolation but if you don’t want to partake, don’t. There is no need for excuses or lies, just say no. A simple, yet firm, “no thank you” is sufficient.

On the other hand you may have the most amazing people in your life and you simply adore spending time with them. But the holidays bring with it an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. It’s hard facing the never ending and inappropriate questions others feel the need to ask. Remember this, “You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your feelings or details about your grief.”