Do Grievers Become Workaholics?

When we are grieving feelings of inadequacy can propel us into a self-destructive behavior. Even though we may have accomplished some great things, many are still driven to do more and more.

There are times when we get too caught up in doing – in accomplishing tasks and we forget to pay attention to our real needs. By trying to keep everything under control we get even more anxious and tired.

Frenetic activities drain our energy and leave us feeling physically tired and emotionally numb. Unfortunately, there is no connection between working harder and accomplishing more. We use activity for the sake of being busy while in fact we need to also take time to play, to relax and to find our place.

Some signs of the workaholic:

• Staying late on the job
• Working on the weekends
• Always too busy
• Eats too fast
• Feels responsible to do everything
• Lonely

After we lose our loved one we need support and a social life. Hiding from our needs by becoming a workaholics just adds to our feeling of loneliness.

Alternatives to Compulsive Busyness:

• Go for a walk
• Dance in your living to your favorite tunes
• Read a good book
• Take a long bath with lots of bubbles
• Plant a garden
• Learn to play an instrument
• Go to a movie with a friend
• Play with your children/grandchildren
• Go for a drive – exploring new areas
• Call an old friend

Treat Yourself With Kindness

Life is not about perfection. Grief can easily turn into depression and so if today all you did was get out of the house than you are doing great.

Love, appreciate and accept yourself just the way you are. It takes time to switch from being a wife to being single so don’t rush your journey.

Sift through all the misinformation and high-pressure talk to move on and be an independent thinker. Be responsible for your health and keep your eye on future wellness. You know better than anyone that you have only one body to live this life in, so treat it with the care and respect it deserves.
It can be difficult to change old habits, and new habits take time to cultivate. You are worth putting the time and effort into.

Wishing for change is not the same as making it happen. Do what you need to do because if not now, when? Remember to be kind to yourself as you make these changes. If you treat yourself with kindness than others will follow your example. If on the other hand you don’t treat yourself well than others will follow the example you set.

Are You Happy With Yourself?

It’s hard to be happy, truly happy after you have lost a loved one. Most grievers stop with being “content” because they can’t even imagine being happy. Don’t settle for “contentment” when “happiness” is a gift we can have. We matter and that’s why we need to do more than just survive – we need to find our own path and be happy.

Don’t worry about what others are doing or saying, because to be truly happy you must make your own path.

It’s quite simple – If you can’t be yourself, you can’t be truly happy.

Ask yourself: When am I feeling completely happy? It’s important to be able to say “No” and walk away if it doesn’t make you completely happy, but it’s also important to know when to say “Yes”, because it’s usually the things we don’t do that cause us the most regret.

What is Worse - Losing Your Spouse Fast or Slow?

I believe that grief is grief, loss is loss, and while all of our stories are different the outcome is the same. We have lost our parents, child, spouse, our loves, our friends and often suffer with the feelings of abandonment, emptiness, anger, sadness, and the list goes on.

I’m often asked is it better if you have them longer even if they are suffering or if they go fast, without a chance to say goodbye. I also wrestled with this question when Donnie died so suddenly but I have peace knowing that each possible scenario has its good and bad sides and in searching, there is no better or good scenario possible.

I could make a case for each situation, showing how they are the worse, as well as showing how they are the best. I think, therefore, that it’s not so much about what’s harder or what’s easier as it is about what’s different because different challenges mean different needs and different emotions.

Truth is, both have good and bad points, each with their own set of struggles. I don’t think there is a “better” way to lose someone you love. In the end it comes down to what my mother used to say to us, “it is what it is”.

What Grievers Need To Hear

People who have never lost a loved one try to help but often their comments are hurtful. Below are what grievers need to hear from family and friends.

• I wish I had the right words, just know that I care.
• You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
• I love you.
• My heart aches for you.
• I am so sorry for your loss.
• I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
• My favorite memory of your loved one is…
• I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.
• I miss them too.
• Saying nothing – just be with the person.

Can Laughter Help You Heal?

Laughter helps ease pain, it can ease depression, it’s a way to move and get into your inner child plus it’s a lot of fun. Unfortunately, as adults we don’t remember how to have fun.

Dr. Michael Miller, Director, Center for Preventative Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center says, “The bottom line of our research is that laughter not only makes us feel good but it has a direct effect on our blood vessels. And our blood vessels control the likelihood of us developing a heart attack or a stroke. So if we keep the blood vessels healthy, then we’re going to be healthy.”

It’s good for your heart to laugh on a regular basis, it can burn up to 40 calories for a five minute laugh plus it’s healing for our soul.

I know when you are grieving that laughter is the last thing you are thinking about but it’s one of the best natural medicines for depression. So make a decision to get out with friends or play with some children so that you can connect with your inner child and laugh again.

Are We Obsessed With Grief?

While expressing our grief openly is beneficial and necessary, there can be an excess of grief that can be damaging both psychologically and spiritually. It is possible for us to become so obsessed with our loss that we become overtaken with grief.

The sorrow we feel when our loved one dies and leaves us is real and painful, but there are factors that can stir up hope and shed light if we are willing to look for them.
We need to concentrate on the positive aspects surrounding us so that we don’t dwell only on the loss of our loved one.

Holding unto our sorrow will only perpetuate the pain and render it even more difficult to recapture any sense of a normal life. We should be careful that we are not trying to keep our grief alive to the point that we succumb to the negative view that grief is blocking us from living a life filled with fresh goals and enjoyment.

From whatever point of view it is approached, the lot of the widowed is anything but enviable. It is a lonely life that in most cases is not easily overcome. It is not morbid to face this reality as far too many spouses meet this dreaded crisis unprepared.
Perhaps some planning might have reduced the trauma of the experience, but no matter how we try to prepare ourselves there is still a shock when we are faced with the grim reality of death.

The dark reality is that our loved one is no longer here to love and be loved. Their companionship is not readily replaced and our early grief is inexpressible. We have a sense that the suffering and loneliness which can not be expressed must be borne alone.

Speaking from experience, I know that in the early days of bereavement, we receive a great deal of sympathy and support from those that are genuinely concerned about us. We receive many invitations out to meals, social events and friends drop in to visit. But life is hectic and these offers and visits decline as time passes.

We go out in the evening to attend a social function, but then we return to the lonely house – a daunting experience that does not seem to lessen as time passes.

What I learned as the years passed is that a widow need not succumb to the hopeless abandonment of life. She doesn’t need to forget her pass life once shared with her husband, but she does need to gain her own identity.

Awareness of life and having a measure of contentment – this comes from knowing that life must go on. The death of a loved one does not mean the end of all things and we must face reality if we want to survive.

Different Stages of Grief

Some people believe that there are different stages of grieving but it’s not that simple. We can’t say we are in stage two and getting ready for stage three. Grief is just not that straight forward.

When a loved one dies our reactions to the loss are surprisingly alike but the degree of the reaction is different. People do not go through denial, anger, bargaining with God, depression and acceptance in a certain organized order.

We experience a range of negative and positive emotions – a range of emotions that can move from one to another quickly and then back and forth.

Your grief is truly a personal journey and you can’t plan or prepare yourself 100% for just how your loss is going to affect you emotionally. So don’t be surprised if you don’t grieve like your Mother or Sister, or follow some stages that a professional has defined.

Are You Too Busy?

Our lives have become so hectic and over scheduled that stopping to make a phone call to someone we really want to talk to, often feels like just one more additional thing to do.

I know that keeping busy has always been my way of handling grief and stress but it can be a dangerous habit.

There has been a massive increase in the last several years in people always talking about how busy they are. It’s a real epidemic! You don’t talk to someone in person or on the phone without hearing about how busy they are or how tired they are and how they have no time for themselves.

They talk about it because so much of it is true. If a group of women want to get together it’s a major project to figure out a time when they can all do it. It’s a crazy thing that our society has done as our communities have become a distant memory.

When I grew up there was always people dropping in for tea and today, no one drops in. If something was happening someone noticed and cared. Intimate human communication was just part of our lives but now we have to schedule a time for it.

We buy beautiful picture frames that say “Family” or “Friendship” and put photos in them of people that we are too busy to see or call.

I’m just as bad as everyone else – too busy is my motto but I’m trying and I want you to be aware so that you can also try. Family and Friends use to be a part of our lives and not just something to schedule in. Let’s try together to stop and think about what we are doing the next time we say “I’m too busy”!

Will a Support Group Help me Grieve?

Widows often ask me, “Do support groups work?” or “Will a support group help my grief?”
The answer is “Yes” – regardless of your background, age or circumstances, widows who joined a support group were able to heal faster. They felt less depressed and used less medication or alcohol to soften their feelings of sadness.

The more deeply you get involved in the group, the greater the signs of recovery. Widows become less anxious, have a greater sense of well-being and higher hope for their future.

As a widow, the greatest challenge is the struggle to become “single”. The support you receive from a group that encourages you to live for today is very important.

Your future as planned has been taken away from you when your spouse died, and it takes a long time to build a new future. At first you feel cheated because you expected to grow old together so it’s natural to need support.

“The Chicks Night Out” is an example of a support group for women who have lost a loved one. It’s not a formal meeting, but a place to share your journey. At first you may not feel like you need this group of people, but soon you will get more involved and get to know the other ladies.

Your new friends in the group will help you to get over your disappointment in your old friends, find joy in the present moment and make sense of the emotional journey of highs and lows.

Look around your home town and find a support group. Even though you don’t feel like it – give it a chance. If that group doesn’t feel right than go in search of another group. It doesn’t have to be a formal group but it should be a group of people that understand your sorrow.