Widows and Goal Setting

Widows are knocked off balanced when they lose their loved ones, but we must get back into living our life and not just existing.  There is no better time to set and achieve goals than at the start of a new year.

I’ve listed some great goal setting tips to get you started:

• Your goals need to be specific and measurable.  Example:  Not – I want to lose some weight.  Instead – I want to lose 2 pounds per month.

• Specific Action Steps to take.  Example:  Not – I will drink 8 glasses of water.  Instead, I will drink 2 glasses of water before each meal and 2 in the evening before 8:00.

• Your goals need to be written out.  This is where you get the most benefit from keeping a personal journal.  It makes your goals more real when you write them down.

• You must hold yourself accountable.  Set realistic deadlines and then monitor your progress.  Make changes to your action steps where necessary.

• Surround yourself with positive people.  Have people in your life that will encourage you and when possible even help you achieve your goal.

• Focus on one goal at a time.  Success requires that you concentrate your efforts on the goal that you want the most.  After you have achieved that goal move on to the next goal on your list.

Those that stay the course have these four characteristics:

• They believe that they are capable of change.
• They do not indulge in excuse making.
• They don’t just wish for it – they concentrate on results.
• They know what motives them.

Any goal worth achieving will have its resistance because it requires change.  In order to reach your goal perseverance is the ONLY option.  If you think that you can stop when it gets tough then you will.  You must be willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, so make your reasons for the goal strong enough to keep you committed.

Success is the result of making and keeping commitments to yourself.  It’s just that simple and that important.  Don’t dishonor your own commitment by quitting or making excuses.  Instead grow strong by reaching your goal with the energy and unstoppable commitment that you are capable of.

I wish for you a New Year of health and happiness.  I encourage you to pursue your goals and believe deeply in your ability to achieve them.

Mary Francis

The Lonely Season

There have been times in my life that I have been utterly lonely.  This is not a disease or a way to get pity but just a fact.  On the other hand, life with friends and family has been a blessing so I work to keep my loneliness controlled.

I rarely feel the absolute loneliness that comes from having few personal interactions and creates indescribable despair.  If you find yourself feeling this lonely, interact with anyone you can – reach out to others.  If you can afford it hire a therapist or attend a grief course.

As a widow if you’re living completely alone you must learn and use social skills because absolute loneliness is just too hard to bear.  Work at gradually getting out and meeting new people, traveling, donating your time or getting a part time job.

Each day brings new choices.  If you want to end your isolation you must be honest with yourself and just step out in faith.

No one can take risks for us, face our grief for us or give us self-esteem.  No one can spare us from the journey of grief to healing.  That is simply the way of things, and after a while we need to learn to appreciate our blessings.

Seeking the company of widows who have learned to transcend the loneliness, who feel as I feel and yet manage to heal, is the best treatment I’ve found.  Don’t hang out with people that drain you, but seek out those who inspire you.

Drum up the courage to connect with others, choose to do something you love to do or learn a new skill and you’ll soon find yourself stumbling across a smile or a joyful laugh.

Loneliness is not a defect but proof that you are searching for a connection.  Don’t hide your loneliness but instead bring it out into the light so you can heal.

Helping Children Deal With The Holidays

Include your children when you talk about Christmas without their father.  It is a time of insecurity and they need to feel security by letting them know in advance how Christmas is going to be celebrated.

Ask the children what they want to do and also what they don’t want.  It is best to know ahead of time what is going to happen rather than approach the day without any plans.

Get their input about an appropriate gift or donation in memory of their father.

Put a new decoration on the tree in memory of their father and let them choose it.

If you want to burn a special memory candle – let them buy it.

Christmas can be overwhelming and they may need a break from family so if they want to visit their friends, let them.

Encourage children to talk about their father.  Although it can be painful, it will help them to share memories and express their feelings.

Grief is Stealing My Sleep

Is your heart overflowing with emptiness and you can’t find peace?

Do you ever wake up in the morning and for a split second life feels normal again?

Do you huddle on top of the bedspread, drawing your legs up towards your chin to watch the night slide away until morning?

Especially in the first year of widowhood sleep is stolen from us by grief and the reality of being on our own. Many widows spend the dark hours of the night roaming throughout the house hoping that daylight will bring them some peace.

My first year I would wander around the house keeping busy so that I would go to bed exhausted but yet sleep would elude me.   I would dwell on the things I didn’t say or the things that I did say and shouldn’t have.

You can get so tired and strung out that you don’t have any energy to care about anything.  Time passes and with it sleep will come back to you but not always as good as it used to be. After five years I still find it odd to stretch out and have the whole bed to myself.  When Donnie first died my daughter Angela brought me a large stuffed cat to curl up in bed with.  She hoped to help me get some sleep.

Now I’m sleeping much better, but rarely do I sleep the whole night without getting up.  I still have trouble quieting my mind down and relaxing before bedtime.

Here are some tricks I’ve learned to help me sleep:

• Don’t just lie there – When I can’t get to sleep in a reasonable time, I get up and read until I feel sleepy.
• Keep a consistent schedule – I try to go to bed and get up at the same time.
• No T.V. in the bedroom  - I keep the bedroom for my special place of rest.
• Make lists – I write a list of tomorrow’s tasks so they don’t go come into my sleep.
• Watch my diet -  I avoid heavy meals, coffee and chocolate close to bedtime.
• Take a hot soak in the bath – This is my favorite way of relaxing
• Control the environment -  I block out the lights with dark curtains, keep the room temperature a little cool and try to keep the room quiet.

Insomniacs spend too much time in bed and not enough time asleep so stay out of the bedroom until you are sleepy.  Having said all of the above, don’t expect to get your sleep back on track while you are grieving.  Grief really does steal sleep and you have to grieve before you can heal.

In time grief will soften into memories and sleep will become easier to find.

Estate Planning Without Conflict

The most common problem in estate planning for a widow is the lack of communication between family members.

A classic example of conflict is when a parent gives a “less well off” child more than they give to their other children.  The parent would be surprised to know how hurt the siblings were because they think that the parent is expressing more love to that one child.

Communication before the parent’s death will avoid a lot of misunderstanding.

Talk about each family member’s idea about fairness.

Take time to identify anyone’s feelings of being shortchanged.

Try to understand what’s going on in everyone’s life.

Separate the person from the problem to conquer it without placing blame.

Have regular family meetings, phone calls and emails so that everyone is in the loop.

It will be easier to discuss issues if you can keep it light and even show some humor.

Combining patience, open-mindedness and forgiveness and you are on the way to estate planning without conflict.  

Resources website for Estate Planning in Canada:    http://www.rbcds.com/estate-planning-guide.html

Stage of Grief - Anger

This is a great article called ” A Necessary Stage of Healing” by Jaletta Albright Desmond who is a columnist who lives in North Carolina.

“I was mad at her. Mad at God. Mad at the professionals who couldn’t read a crystal ball to tell me my daughter was definitely suicidal.  Mad at some other people who could’ve stopped what they were doing or done something differently. I was mad at myself for not seeing more clearly the signs or for failing to read her mind that day. But mostly I was mad at Jocelyn for not stopping, and taking 10 minutes to think about what she would be missing out on in life.”

Follow the link to read the full article by Jaletta Albright Desmond:    http://bdtonline.com/columns/x880883773/A-necessary-stage-of-healing

Do You Miss Your Husband's Opinion?

There was a grinding noise coming from my back wheels every time I used the brakes.  This is when I really miss having Donnie to talk over whether I should let it work itself out or go get it checked.

We may not have always agreed but we would listen to the others point of view.  Sure I could ask my son or brother in-laws, but it’s not the same.  Sometimes it’s just nice to get feedback about something that may be embarrassing or personal and I can’t imagine asking anyone but Donnie for that feedback.

Sometimes the small and even insignificant decisions can leave a widow confused.  Donnie didn’t always know best but he always cared about what was best for me.

Not having anyone but myself to talk things over with can make life seem even more lonely.  Of course I have my sisters and friends but feedback from my husband was special because he knew me best.

Am I the only one who feels this way?