Stage of Grief - Anger

This is a great article called ” A Necessary Stage of Healing” by Jaletta Albright Desmond who is a columnist who lives in North Carolina.

“I was mad at her. Mad at God. Mad at the professionals who couldn’t read a crystal ball to tell me my daughter was definitely suicidal.  Mad at some other people who could’ve stopped what they were doing or done something differently. I was mad at myself for not seeing more clearly the signs or for failing to read her mind that day. But mostly I was mad at Jocelyn for not stopping, and taking 10 minutes to think about what she would be missing out on in life.”

Follow the link to read the full article by Jaletta Albright Desmond:    http://bdtonline.com/columns/x880883773/A-necessary-stage-of-healing

Dating As A Widow

How many times have you thought to yourself: I don’t want to “work” at a new relationship, I want it to be the fun part of my life.  And how many times has a nagging voice in your head chimed in, well, just live alone then, because there’s no such thing as a toil free relationship.

You will still argue and still have moments of total frustration.  Whether it’s a friend or another partner, relationships do require effort.  So be prepared before you get back into the dating game.
It’s hard to trust and get into another relationship where you may end up going through more emotional pain.  Maybe the relationship will be a second love, but then they get sick and you’re a widow again.  Or maybe the relationship will not work out and your trust is broken.  It takes time to become emotionally open to understanding that trust begins with your relationship with yourself and then flows out to others.
The typical widow wonders, “Can I find love again?”
When you lose your spouse you often re-examine what love really is.  You may feel unlovable and even be afraid that you will never be in love again.  This fear can be overwhelming when you really want to be in a relationship again.
Here it is - I’m going to talk about sex, that forbidden topic that no one wants to bring up. What do you think of when the word sex is mentioned? Most of us tend to be interested, but scared and we react emotionally. But the truth is that sex is over emphasized and glamorized by society as a whole.

The funny thing is that married couples think single people get all the action and are free to get all they want, anytime, anyplace – and single people think that married couples are the ones that are having all the fun.  In reality, a widow often finds the hassle of sexuality the most trying in starting up another relationship. Having a loving husband made having a sexual life easy and comfortable and just because our husbands are gone doesn’t mean our sexual needs go away.

Most widows are more or less terrified by the thought of dating again, especially if it’s been years and the dating rules have changed. They feel old, unattractive, unsure of themselves and fearful of the unknown. Also, no matter what our age we still hear our parents telling us to be good girls. At this stage we may even find our grown children telling us the same thing.  No wonder dating is confusing and uncertain when you are a widow.
I can’t give you any magic words of wisdom on this issue. Everyone has their own moral compass about what feels right to them. Take your time with a new relationship because dating too soon (and only you can judge that) may be nothing more than you trying to fill that emptiness in your heart. 
An important element in the rebuilding of your life is the process of learning to love yourself first.  As you love yourself you will attract others to you.   If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anybody else to love you?  Have faith in yourself because you are strong and loveable just as you are – this I know.
Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if it feels right because otherwise you may miss the chance to have another great guy in your life. On the other side it can be easy to get mixed up with the wrong guy, so listen to your heart and be careful but not fearful.

Widows in Denial

Ruth in chapter five of the book “The Sisterhood of Widows” couldn’t really believe her husband was dead as per this paragraph:

“When we were leaving the funeral parlor I asked, “Where’s Andrew?”  Then I thought ‘Oh my God’, look what I just said.’  I was so used to having him beside me.  It was like a bad dream and I thought I would wake up and everything would be the way it was before.”

When did your denial begin?  Most of us don’t talk about death in our everyday conversations.  After all why would we when everyone is healthy?  But by now, a terrible reality has come into your life and nothing has prepared you for that last visit and then they are gone.  And when it happened, you find yourself in denial - “It can’t be”.

There is a period of time when we know they are gone but in our heart we just don’t feel it can be true.  Maybe that denial is necessary to get us through the outpourings of sympathy, the paperwork and the funeral.

In the early period of your grief journey you may leave our loved one’s voice on the answering machine like the widow in chapter three:

“While I waited I found a box of Kleenex in the car and I just started cleaning everything inside and out.  I was so high strung and scared that I called home three times and got Jack’s voice each time. That’s why it hasn’t been changed because I didn’t want to lose it.  I thought that I’m never going to hear his voice again and I find it comforting.  Jack says “Sorry can’t come to the phone right now” and it seems like he is talking to me.  I think I will try to get a copy of his voice.  If I feel lonesome I know I can call up and hear him. It’s been almost two years and his voice is still on the answering machine telling the callers to leave a message.”

Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best that you can and you will deal with reality as your grief journey progresses.  Every widow travels the grief journey in their own time.

Widows - Do You Ever Consider Giving Up?

You will experience setbacks– everyone does.  The best way to look at setbacks is to see them as challenges and a natural part of your journey.  Challenges do not have to stop you in your tracks.  They can add meaning to your life and actually help you to grow.

By overcoming your setbacks you will have shown true strength, character and determination.  In the end your ultimate sense of accomplishment will be amazing to you.

Your grief journey will have lots of ups and downs so don’t let setbacks take away from your pride in the progress you have already made.  Expect and be prepared for occasional stumbling blocks by keeping a positive attitude and a sense of humor.

The core belief of a positive attitude is that you are fully capable of doing what it takes to travel from grief to healing and the belief that you’re going to do what it takes to get your balance back.  See yourself as a complete and happy person that has all the necessary positive behaviors to insure your health and well-being.

Take the time to write about the death of your loved one and then write out how you have already started on your journey.  Include how you felt as you took that step to join a social group or to learn something that has always interested you.  Every time you take a positive step forward you will feel more at peace.  

Don’t forget there will be times when the memories overtake you and you feel that you have gone backwards, but that is just part of your journey.

Part Nine - Widows and Self-Care

For some a spiritual life is a religious role within a church community and for others it is a sense of peace that comes from spending time in nature, meditation or different spiritual practices.

“Spiritual well-being” means different things to different people but there is no denying that most people want to feel connected to a Divine presence in some way.

No matter how you choose to honor your spiritual life, you’ll find inner peace by doing so.  Take time to think about this side of your life as it’s another part to your emotional health.

Start by creating a space in your home that you can spend time relaxing and enjoying some peace and tranquility.  Transform the space by painting it your favorite soft colors and filling it with things that touch you deeply.  When in this space focus on your spiritual life as you want it to be and not as you think others want it to be.

 

• Think about when you last felt peaceful and relaxed.
• At that time where were you and what were you doing?
• What shape is your spiritual life in? 
• How has it changed in the last few years?
• What does a “spiritual life” mean to you?

This is the most personal and intense part of your self-care.  It is not hinged on anyone or anything but your own feelings and choices.  This is where faith comes in or not and only you can tell because it’s your journey.

Part Eight - Widows and Self-Care

Most widows struggle to experience even a little fun and adventure in their lives.  Fun is a necessary part of self-care and has a positive impact on your health and well-being.

Building fun into your life on a regular basis will help you to take life less seriously.  There are still lots of memories to be made and it doesn’t have to always cost a lot of money.

A good knee slapping laugh with friends as you go for a walk together, playing with your grandchildren and having a new adventure, these will all add years to your own life.

I’m here to remind you that having fun is just as important as working a job or looking after your loved ones.

• What have you done for fun lately?
• If you could do anything, what would you do?
• Do you think that spending money on fun is an “OK” expense?
• Have you turned down a chance to play with family and friends?  Why?
• Were you brought up to think that fun wasn’t a valuable use of your time?

Write about having fun in your journal because it may be time for you to have some exciting new adventures.  When you are ready to move from grief to healing remember that laughter lines are what you should be striving for at this time of your life. 

Part Six - Widows and Self-Care

It’s easy not to pay attention to our emotional and physical health when we are grieving until there is a problem and then it’s too late.

We need to take care of ourselves because consistent stress will make us sick.  It’s not until a diagnosis of illness that we start paying attention to our own health.  This is especially true for a widow that has been a long term caregiver to her late husband.

You need to reevaluate your priorities and your decisions may upset some people but more importantly you will gain your life back. Because of your husband’s death you know how life can change in an instant.  And yet we don’t eat properly when we are upset, we skip exercise and use alcohol to help us get through the day.  This just adds to our stress and it becomes a vicious cycle.

You have to care for your body and have good health to do all that you want to do.  If we get sick, it is often a sign of just how much off balance we are.

 

Please make your health a priority before illness happens.  For self-care there is one simple change you can do in this area and that’s write in your journal.  Ask yourself these questions:

• How does my mental health (stress, depression, anger) rate from one to ten?
• Do I feel emotionally secure?
• Would it help me to see a therapist?
• What am I doing for my physical and mental well being?
• What am I doing when I feel the most relaxed?  Can I do this more often?
• What is in my life that is causing stress and can be changed?

Your emotional and physical health is everything.  You know this more than anyone else so stop and take control by writing your thoughts in your journal. As you write think about the fact that this is your life your writing about – not someone else that you have no control over.

You have spent so much time on others that you don’t realize just how strong and powerful you are.  You have so much value – step up and claim it.

Part Five - Widows and Self-Care

You have written your life story up to this point in time.  Now, you need to take a closer look at how you are living your life at this present moment.

Life is made up of many parts and no one part is more or less important than another.  The key to a balanced life is giving your attention to every part (emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationships, work time, leisure time) because they are all parts of the whole.

You need to naturally spend your time and energy on all parts so you will be less vulnerable when changes occur in one area or another.  Take an honest assessment of your present life and see where you are out of balance.  Awareness has to come first before you can see your way to making any changes that are needed.

Now, let’s look at your life.  Take out your journal and ask yourself these questions:

• Where might my life need more attention?
• What do I spend my time doing?
• Why am I neglecting parts of my life or putting them on hold?
• Do I wish that I could dedicate more time to my health or to having more fun?
• Am I spending enough time with family and friends?
• What would I like to learn or do that I could start doing this month?

Don’t be surprised if you feel a sense of loss when you stop to look at how you have been living your life, assuming it’s not the way you want it to be.  Some things we just can’t change but those things that we can change we should have the courage to do so.

Write about how you feel and notice the areas that you want to change.  Feel the conflict between your comfort zone and fear of change.  Write about this awareness in your journal.

Stages Of Grief - Healthy Relationships

Often after our spouse has died, we go looking for another relationship – one that appears to have everything that the previous one had.

Because this new relationship appears to solve all of your problems, you hold onto it tightly.  You may believe that the new partner is the one who is making you happy.  But it’s really your own state of mind while dating that either makes you happy or not.

Just be watchful that the new relationship isn’t a “rebound” out of loneness or fear of being alone.  To find someone again to share your life with is a blessing but only if you are in the right place of mind.  If not you could find yourself in a situation that is more unbearable than being by yourself.

Assume Control

When your loved one died you had no choice because you were not in a position of control.  Tears flow and again you are not in control.  Others around you take over and although they are trying to help, again you feel that you are not in control and maybe it didn’t matter because you did not even care.

Time has passed and slowly you need to regain a sense of control so that you can get back in balance. Start writing down all the things you are responsible for.  Say “I choose” to do this task.  There is something about saying the words “I choose” that will bring your control back.

Choosing not to do something is also a choice and as long as you take note of that choice you are still taking control.  “I choose not to be upset when my married friend doesn’t call” is actively taking control of your emotions.

At night take a look at your day and see what you did.  Even if it was only one thing, celebrate that one thing.  Say to yourself, “I can and will do the next task on my list tomorrow” and then do it.

Before you know it your list of things to do is done and they were done on your time schedule.  Assume control of your life and you will be happier.  After all, you know yourself better than anyone else knows you. 

Do You Postpone Decisions?

It is often easier to postpone making a decision than to make a decision that you are not sure of.

You can feel overwhelmed after your spouse dies and fear making a decision you will regret.  Take three pages and on each page write one of these “Do Now” - “Do Later” – “Do Whenever” on top.  

List all the decisions you have to make on the page you think it belongs on.  Now list all the tasks that are involved in that decision.  Make notes about why and who this might also affect.

Use this as a work plan so that you can make an educated decision.  As you make a decision cross it off your list and you will feel like you have accomplished something.  It will make you feel good about yourself.

Have You Been Hiding Behind A Mask?

A mask is an image that you project so that others believe that is who you are.  But it stops others from really knowing how your feeling and may even keep you from knowing yourself.

You may not want to take off your mask because you don’t want others to see the sadness underneath.  But when you take that leap of faith, you will often experience more closeness with friends and family.

It can be exhausting always wearing that “happy face” mask.  Let people know what you are really feeling instead of always having to appear strong.  When your mask gets too heavy have faith in yourself and throw it away.  The real you will be out in the open and then you can start rebuilding your life.

To Our Shared Journey - January 2012 Newsletter

Happy New Year 2012 - January Newsletter with resource links.

http://conta.cc/vOWg3k via #constantcontact

A Widow's Holiday Season

I'm rethinking the whole holiday season of social times, and classic Christmas movies and eating till I gain ten pounds. With the loss of our loved ones there is a missing part to our lives and the season of joy can be hard to come by. I went on a bus trip, Christmas shopping with some girlfriends and getting out for some fun. On the trip they showed the movie "Mrs. Miracle" which is a Christmas story of a widowed man caught in his grief. I'm sitting there with tears running down my cheeks - it was just so hard to watch and I could so relate to the emptiness he felt. This will be my fourth holiday season without my Donnie and I have come to realize that I have to find my own joy and peace for the holidays. I'm looking forward to our large family get together this year from great-great Aunts and Uncles to the new babies in the family. As the new generation enjoys the holiday season new traditions and memories will be made. Some people go their entire life missing the small miracles of the season. We get caught up in the marketing done by media and business. The truth is that small miracles, watching a grandchild's first steps and the giggles of a child at play are the blessings that will make us laugh and smile at life. I wish you a very Happy Holiday Season and although every day may not be filled with joy, I hope that you share your time with family and friends. Take time to search for those small miracles that will bring you some blessings of peace and joy. To our shared journey Mary Francis

Self Worth Of A Widow

     Your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem will greatly affect how well you will find your path.  Low self-esteem and loss of identity are common after the loss of a spouse.

     You have invested so much of yourself into your marriage that when it ends, you may feel lost.  You may have even thought; “No one will even miss me so what’s the use of getting up?”

     As you improve your feelings of self worth, you will be able to step out of the depression and start feeling better about yourself.  You will have the courage to face your new life because you will start to believe in yourself and trust your own judgment.

Letting Go - Stages of Grief

     It’s tough to let go of the strong emotional ties which remain after the death of a loved one.  Nevertheless, it is important to stop investing emotionally into what you cannot change

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     Instead begin to invest your time in productive personal growth, which in turn will help you work through your grief as you find your way.

     I’m not talking about letting go of your memories because they should be cherished and honored.  But there comes a time when you should start investing in life and start adding some new cherished memories to your journey.

Instant Gratification

Nowadays, we all want instant gratification and don’t have patience. We want everything to happen this instant and we don’t always understand the value of patience, of being ready when the proper time comes.

As we set out to find our path, there should be no time limit. We are looking for change over the long haul, change that is going to be with us for the rest of our lives. In order to make these changes, we must be aware of our strengths and weaknesses, because we all have them.

The key is not only knowing which ones are which, but also knowing how to manage them. Our job is to define our new role in life – a role that maximizes our strengths and minimizes our weaknesses. Our strategy should be to leverage a skill we already have and build up our confidence so we can stand tall as we face these dramatic changes.

Anger - Stages Of Grief

Grieving is an important part of your recovery journey.  But we might also go through a lot of anger as we grieve our loss.  Most widowed people are not aware that they are capable of such rage because they have never been this angry before.

Maybe the anger is focused on the health care system, on a friend or family member, God or just at the injustice of life.  It is difficult for others to understand the intensity of the anger your feeling unless they have also lost a loved one

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Anger combined with overwhelming sadness can lead to despair.  It will drain you of energy and lead you to feeling helpless and powerless to change your life.  Understanding these feelings is crucial to rebuilding your life and finding your balance.

Old Friends - Stages Of Grief

As you’ve discovered grief is quite painful and you need your friends more then ever. Unfortunately, many couple friends are lost when you are no longer part of a couple.

Your old couple friends may have a party and your not invited.  You find out about it later, it hurts and makes you angry.  The problem is made worse by your own feelings of withdrawal and emotional pain.  Social relationships may need to be rebuilt around new friends and hobbies.  Try something new – I took up curling in a ladies league, made some new friends and had lots of fun.

It is worthwhile to work at keeping your old friends.  All friendships take some commitment, but you may find that going out with couples just doesn’t appeal to you.  Perhaps as time goes by your relationship with old friends will change to suit your life as a single, but don’t be surprised if some old friends drift away.

This is part of your grief journey – as you find your new path you will also find some great new friends.

Denial - Stage Of Grief

Denial as in “I can’t believe this is happening” can be a safety mechanism for when our pain is overwhelming us.  By putting our pain into “denial” we give ourselves some time to digest what is happening

The bad news is that we can become reluctant to move out of denial and face the pain of recovery.  It is hard to adjust to changes of any kind and we may be at such a low point of self, that we just don’t think we are capable of making the journey.

How about you?  Are you still at the denial stage of grief or have you come out from underneath it?  Be aware of “denial” and open yourself up to the grieving process because you have to grieve before you can heal.