Facebook and Death

After a person dies, his or her Facebook page remains open until someone closes it.  But without their password it’s very difficult to get it closed.

Some widows want to keep their husbands Facebook page open so that people can write on it.  They also like to go back and see past comments that their husbands had posted.

“Some people like it, because it’s a way for them to memorialize their person who has died, and they can look on it and it makes them feel like they haven’t been forgotten. I think they’re changing the way that we grieve through the use of Facebook, “says Sanderson, a Grief Center Coordinator for the Northern Illinois Hospice and Grief Center.

The other side is that widows are feeling lonely and using Facebook too much can actually increase their loneliness.  It’s healthy to be with other people and not always be by yourself.

Another thought is that Facebook page may be setup to send automatic messages, like birthday well wishes and it can freak people out to get a Facebook message from their dead friend or family member.

This is a decision that could go either way but just in case you ever want to close out your spouse’s social media accounts you should be aware that you will need their passwords to do so.

Stedman Graham and his new book "Identity"

Stedman was written a book called “Identity” and it’s a great book on taking control of who you are and on how to define your identity and path in life.

I strongly recommend his book as it puts the power back into your hands and will help you achieve our goals.

How Do We Wrestle With Grief?

When you lose a loved one grief is the unwanted visitor that comes knocking at our door.

How we wrestle with grief and ultimately push ahead to a new life, varies with each of us.  Many of us need help to bounce back and if we don’t get that help our mental and physical health may buckle under the stress.

Finding support can be the key to a person’s recovery and acceptance of the loss, says the American Cancer Society.  Support can come from friends, physicians, spiritual leaders or mental health professionals.  There is no one easy solution or answer to our personal grief.

Grief can last from several months to several years and can come with feelings of guilt, sadness or numbness.  It might cause trembling, breathing difficulties, sleeplessness, weight loss or gain and may even bring a widow so much mental pain and confusion that it ultimately robs her of her own life.

Grief is as much of a health issue as some infectious diseases.  Dr. Toni Miles, Director at the Gerontology Institute at the University of Georgia says that in their survey, they found that newly bereaved persons are more likely to be hospitalized during the year after the death of their loved one.

Try to wrestle with your grief in your own way, but if you sense that you are unable to deal with your grief, and even close friends and family can’t help, then it’s time to seek outside help.

One thing I have found is that I have the freedom to react or not to what others say and do.  I am in control of my own feelings and I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my life.  Sometimes, others look at widows and judge their actions – it’s too soon or it’s time to move on.  I enjoy time with other widows because they understand that the pain may not be showing on the surface but it’s still there.

Other widows understand how we wrestle with the decisions to move forward – dating or not, travelling or not, when to retire, where to live – these are all decisions that look like they don’t bother us, but they are decisions that we all wrestle with.  Others look at us and judge if we start dating or heaven forbid have a sexual relationship with another man, but there is a lot of emotions that we work through to arrive at that point even though it looks like it’s all smiles and that our grief has passed.

How do we wrestle with grief?  One day at a time – some good and some not, but always moving forward so that our grief does not hold us down long enough for depression to crawl into our lives.

Four Promises of Forgiveness by Ken Sande, The Peacemaker

Nothing in this world is more stressful then the death of a loved one.  At this time emotions are running high and things that may not have bothered us instead become a major point of disagreement.

Yes people say things that are hurtful or thoughtless but they just don’t understand how sensitive and emotional unbalanced we are.  In return we may say things that we would never have said if we weren’t in so much pain.

I’m passing on “The Four Promises of Forgiveness” by Ken Sande, the Peacemaker

1.  I will no longer dwell on this incident.

2.  I will not bring up this incident again or use it against you.

3.  I will not talk to others about this incident.

4.  I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.

Forgiveness is a two way street and I know that to not forgive is not move forward.  In the end it doesn’t really matter who is right and who is wrong because forgiveness is a gift you give yourself .  It will emotionally free you from more disappointment and pain so you can focus on healing.

Is Grief a Mental illness?

Recently there has been a major change in how the Psychiatric Association will treat grief.

Below are two recent articles on the issue of whether grief is a mental illness or a normal part of life and death.  I’m including the links to the full articles so you can read and make up your own mind as to whether this is a move in the right direction or not.

Washington Post : Article by Associated Press, Published May 15

 Chicago— In the new psychiatric manual of mental disorders, grief soon after a loved one’s death can be considered major depression.

Those changes are just some of the reasons prominent critics say the American Psychiatric Association is out of control, turning common human problems into mental illnesses in a trend they say will just make the “pop-a-pill” culture worse.

The manual’s release comes at a time of increased scrutiny of health care costs and concern about drug company influence over doctors.

Read the full article at:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/is-grief-a-mental-illness-psychiatrists-critics-face-off-over-revised-diagnostic-guidebook/2013/05/15/cb6613fe-bd8d-11e2-b537-ab47f0325f7c_story.html

Washington Post :  Article by Tim Townsend – Religion News Service, Published: May 20

Psychiatry historically has refrained from calling normal grief a mental disorder. Since the last DSM was published in 1994, the guideline has been that when symptoms — sadness, distress, insomnia, trouble concentrating, lack of appetite — begin within two months of a loved one’s death, but do not persist beyond those two months, psychiatrists should not diagnose “major depressive disorder.” In earlier decades, psychiatrists waited a year before such a diagnosis.

The revision narrows that window to two weeks. So a person who has five of nine symptoms that define depression — regardless of the reason behind those symptoms — could be diagnosed as mentally ill.

Read the full article at:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/on-faith/can-grief-be-a-mental-illness-with-new-diagnostic-changes-maybe/2013/05/20/901f801e-c189-11e2-9aa6-fc21ae807a8a_story.html

Children May Not Show Their Grief

Article by:  Catherine Johnston And Rebecca Nappi 

“Children grieve through short spurts and then may return to a normal activity,” said Deborah Hutton, a supervisor for chaplains with Providence Health & Services in Olympia.

When children resume their normal behavior patterns and activities, adults may mistakenly believe that the children are just fine, dismissing children’s need for grief support. This dismissal can leave them feeling sad, confused and acting out their feelings.

If your community does not offer a grief support group for children, consult Children’s Grief Education Association, www.childgrief.org, where you will find information on children’s grief responses, how to help and what to say, a support group locator and survivors of suicide information.

Your grandchildren may tell you how they feel or what they believe about the loss as they play with blocks, enjoy the outdoors or draw pictures. So pay attention.

“A child I worked with drew a picture of herself with a cord around her wrist. The other end of the cord reached up into the sky – heaven – where it wrapped around her mother,” Hutton said.

This is a great article to help us understand a child’s grief and for more information please go to : http://childgrief.org/childgrief.htm

Life Choices As A Widow

I used to feel that there were hundreds of life’s choices but once I thought about it I was surprised at just how few there really are:

Family
Fun
Health
Work
Life’s Purpose
Money
Relationships
Self-Image
Self-Growth
Travel

Almost all of my decisions will fall within one of these ten groups.  What I soon realized is that many of these life choices don’t require actual change but further knowledge or a change of perspective.

We cannot, for instance, change the loss of our husband.  We can only change ourselves and our reaction to the loss.

As widows clear thinking is hard to come by as we have been thrown completely off balance and into the unknown world of single life.

Flexibility is the ability to choose how we respond to our life events.  We need to be flexible so we can use clear thinking when we make decisions.

Clear thinking and flexibility don’t come naturally when you are widowed.  You have to seek out positive resources and work your way through the grief.  Don’t give up and get swallowed up in your pain.

Take control because it’s your life and it’s up to you to make the life choices that need to be made. What we change will switch us to balance, harmony and self-empowerment which in turn will result in a new life of accomplishment.