How Do You Know When You Need Help?

The stress of losing your husband can lead to a lot of emotional problems that can interfere with your daily living.

Before I go any further, I’m not talking about grief which is a healthy expression of your emotions.  I’m talking about being tired all the time and not wanting to see anyone – your friends, children and grandchildren.  You don’t have any joy at all in your life and your feel hopeless or your thinking about suicide.  If this sounds like you than please get some help right away!

Once we slip from grief into depression it’s very hard to get back on our feet again. One of the biggest barriers to seeking professional help is the stigma attached to mental illness.  They may feel ashamed that they can’t seem to get out of their depression on their own.  Mental illness is still widely misunderstood but don’t let stigma stand in the way of getting help.

Some places to go for help are:

·         Clinical Social Workers

·         Faith-based counselors

·         Licensed Professional Counselors

·         Family Therapists

·         Mental Health Counselors

·         Nurse Psychotherapists

·         Psychiatrists

·         Psychologists

A good place to start is with your doctor because you already have history with him/her.  They may be able to suggest a professional who can help you, someone they know that you will be comfortable with.

Dating As A Widow

How many times have you thought to yourself: I don’t want to “work” at a new relationship, I want it to be the fun part of my life.  And how many times has a nagging voice in your head chimed in, well, just live alone then, because there’s no such thing as a toil free relationship.You will still argue and still have moments of total frustration.  Whether it’s a friend or another partner, relationships do require effort.  So be prepared before you get back into the dating game.

It’s hard to trust and get into another relationship where you may end up going through more emotional pain.  Maybe the relationship will be a second love, but then they get sick and you’re a widow again.  Or maybe the relationship will not work out and your trust is broken.  It takes time to become emotionally open to understanding that trust begins with your relationship with yourself and then flows out to others.

The typical widow wonders, “Can I find love again?”
When you lose your spouse you often re-examine what love really is.  You may feel unlovable and even be afraid that you will never be in love again.  This fear can be overwhelming when you really want to be in a relationship again.

Here it is - I’m going to talk about sex, that forbidden topic that no one wants to bring up. What do you think of when the word sex is mentioned? Most of us tend to be interested, but scared and we react emotionally. But the truth is that sex is over emphasized and glamorized by society as a whole.

The funny thing is that married couples think single people get all the action and are free to get all they want, anytime, anyplace – and single people think that married couples are the ones that are having all the fun.  In reality, a widow often finds the hassle of sexuality the most trying in starting up another relationship. Having a loving husband made having a sexual life easy and comfortable and just because our husbands are gone doesn’t mean our sexual needs go away.

Most widows are more or less terrified by the thought of dating again, especially if it’s been years and the dating rules have changed. They feel old, unattractive, unsure of themselves and fearful of the unknown. Also, no matter what our age we still hear our parents telling us to be good girls. At this stage we may even find our grown children telling us the same thing.  No wonder dating is confusing and uncertain when you are a widow.

I can’t give you any magic words of wisdom on this issue. Everyone has their own moral compass about what feels right to them. Take your time with a new relationship because dating too soon (and only you can judge that) may be nothing more than you trying to fill that emptiness in your heart.

An important element in the rebuilding of your life is the process of learning to love yourself first.  As you love yourself you will attract others to you.   If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anybody else to love you?  Have faith in yourself because you are strong and loveable just as you are – this I know.

Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if it feels right because otherwise you may miss the chance to have another great guy in your life. On the other side it can be easy to get mixed up with the wrong guy, so listen to your heart and be careful but not fearful.

Self Acceptance

Old age will be hard on me if I don’t learn to accept myself, in other words to feel comfortable in my own skin.

As I age I do more of what I want and worry less about what others think.  Aging is a humbling experience as not everything works as good or fast as it did when I was younger.  It has a way of making me swallow my pride and face my limitations.

I stopped comparing myself to others and that helped me gain self-acceptance for who I am – just as I am today.The Delai Lama says “If you don’t like what’s happening in your life, change your mind.”  Great advice because we can’t change the fact that we are widows or that we are getting older but we can accept it by changing our mindset.

One of the most important life skills is to not merely accept our situation in life but to embrace it - to live through it and yet not let it take your spirit away.  Boy, is that a mouthful because there is no way a widow is going to embrace being a widow.  Perhaps instead of saying “embrace” a better word would be to “accept”. 

I know that there is no moving forward through your grief until you have self-acceptance of yourself as a person.  Being a widow is a name for this stage of your life but it does not define who you are as a person. Part of your grief journey is also a journey in finding out who you are when you are no longer part of a couple.  

A Widow's Clutter

Having a lot of things stuffed in boxes in the garage and closets will create negative energy in our lives. Eliminating the clutter will free us of always thinking about it and just doing it. One of the most important areas to clean up is your entry way into your home. It’s no fun to walk into a home and face piles of stuff and you can’t even see any floor space. Ask yourself if its useful, do you really like it and does it reflect your new life.

If its your husband’s stuff don’t do anything with it till some time has passed and your ready. But don’t hold on to all his stuff for years and years. There are some things that should always be kept for memories but old tools, clothes and big boy toys should go unless you use them yourself.

This might be a good time to get some uplifting and inspiring art for your walls. Surround yourself with objects from nature and plants with bright colors to liven up your home. It can be fun to take charge of some easy remodeling and painting. It will give you a boost to clean out a room and rebuild it with fresh paint, new artwork and less clutter.

It may take energy you don’t feel like you have but just getting up and doing this as a project will make you feel like your accomplishing something. That feeling will help you move on to the next project and give you something positive to plan for.

Health For Widows

Our health is affected in every way when we lose our loved ones.  At first the grief affects us mentally as it drains our joy and changes our relationships.  It isn’t long before our physical health – stress, sleep, exercise and diet are also showing the strain of our grief.  Our spiritually journey may be put to the test as we ask “Why does God not eliminate mindless suffering?”

Click here - http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/health-for-widows/   Here is a new page on my website to offer support and strength with these health issues and it is called “Health for Widows”  

Finding Support After The Death Of A Loved One

Grief is so much easier when it’s shared with others, so don’t grieve alone.  Being able to express your feelings will help lighten the burden of grief.

Turn to friends and family members.  Draw on the love of those around you and accept all the help that is offered to you.  They want to help so tell them what you need and don’t let pride get in your way.

Draw comfort from your faith.  Praying, meditating or going to church can offer solace.  Embrace the comfort you get from having your faith.

Look for a support group.  Sharing your sorrow with others who have also suffered a loss can be healing.  Contact hospitals, hospices, funeral homes and counseling centers to find a group in your local are.

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor.  Sometimes grief is just too much to bear on your own.  An experienced professional can help you work through your intense emotions.

Regrets When Dying

People change when they are faced with their own mortality.  They experience a variety of emotions as they seek peace with their life and their death.

There seems to be a common theme to the regrets they have:

I wish I didn’t work so hard.  A lot of men feel that they missed their children’s youth and didn’t play with their family enough.

I wish I’d had the courage to live the life I dreamed about.  At the end people think of the dreams they didn’t pursue and with the loss of their health, it is too late.

I wish I’d express my feelings more.  Sometimes we are so worried about keeping the peace with others that we settle for a mediocre existence.

I wish I had kept up my friendships.  It’s so easy to get caught up in our busy lives and let our friendships slip away.  In the end love and friendship is the only thing that matters,  but ill health can make you too weary to get in touch with old friends.

I wish I had been more positive and happy.  Sometimes the so called “comfort” of keeping everything the same can be a trap.  Fear of change makes you pretend to be happy while deep inside you long to try something new and perhaps be a little bit silly just for the fun of it.

Numbing Out

Often we respond to the pain in our lives by instinctively shutting it out of our mind.  Denial is a form of disengagement but although it numbs the pain, it also delays our healing.

Facing the truth about how our lives have changed will give us the opportunity to acknowledge the pain and start our healing.  If you deny your feelings of grief, they may fester inside and take a toll on your health – mentally and physically.  Some may seek short term escape from their pain with alcohol, drugs, overeating, casual sex and the list goes on.

Numbing out is the act of not feeling much of anything and this is a common form of denial.  We need to look honestly at our own behavior and to take responsibility for the choices that we make.  Ask yourself:  How are the choices I make physically – diet, exercise, sleep and stress management – serving my needs?

It’s Valentine’s Day and you may not have your loved one but you’re an important person in the lives of your family.  You need to treat yourself with respect because if you don’t value yourself than who will?

From One Widow to Another – Happy Valentine’s Day

Friends

I often talk about negative emotions and the need to get out with our friends. Today is a perfect example of way this is so important. It was a beautiful winter day but all I wanted to do was stay home and have a “sad” day. I just didn’t feel like getting out of bed, yet go out into the world. Same days are just like that.

However, earlier in the week I had told my friend Monique that I would go snowshoeing with her this weekend. Now I’ve had these snowshoes since Christmas (thanks to my daughter Angela for the gift) but I kept making excuses as to why I didn’t have the time to get out.

Monique wasn’t going to let me off the hook – in fact she told me that I needed a kick in the butt! It was windy and cold but the sun was shining so it would have been a perfect day. But I just didn’t want to go out – the problem was that I had given her my word and I couldn’t go back on it. Friends can be both a pain and a blessing!

So I cleaned all the snow off the car, dressed three layers deep and grudgingly went to pick Monique up. Of course I put on my happy face but in the beginning all I wanted my warm, quiet and unsociable home. But this is where it gets interesting because we were not out more than ten minutes and I found my mood lifting. The sun was warm and in the woods the cold wind was unable to reach me. The beautiful snow hung on the trees and the sun bounced of the fresh snow to brighten my day. It was beautiful, peaceful and uplifting to be outside.

But in the beginning if I had my choice I would have stayed in and had my little “sad” day. I would have missed the beauty and peace of the day plus the fun of a good friend. I’m so thankful for friends that push me and encourage me to be positive and enjoy what I do have. To be truthful a day like today makes me grateful that I’m healthy and can get out of the house. It also makes me want more “friend” days and less ”sad” days.

Negative Emotions

Negative emotions are costly and inefficient.

There was a study done of 678 aging Nuns in the School Sisters of Notre Dame Congregation. Nuns whose writing expressed a preponderance of positive emotions ( happiness, love, hope, gratitude and contentment) tended to live longer and more productive lives. Those with more negative emotions (discontent, unhappiness, sadness) lived shorten and more unhealthy lives.

Studies show that depression – the most insidious of all negative emotions- increases twofold the likelihood of eventually developing Alzheimer’s.

Aflter reading about this I realized that I have to make an effort not to get stuck in negativity. I don’t want to spend the last ten years of my life with Alzheimer’s, in a diaper, in some nursing home. Now that’s a picture that’s both disturbing and distressing.

Being positive is a delusion because it’s not possible without faith in something other than yourself. We can’t do it on our own because the negative pull is strong and it’s like swimming against the current. We will tire and weaken from the struggle. But faith gives us the strength to believe that our lives will get better and we will find joy again. Positive emotions will start to rise up and we will be able to hold on to them when we don’t try to do it all on our own.

Stages Of Grief - Sexuality

Ok – here it is, I’m going to talk about sex, that forbidden topic that no one wants to bring up.  What do you think of when the word sex is mentioned?  Most of us tend to be interested, but scared and we react emotionally.  But the truth is that sex is over emphasized and glamorized by society as a whole.

The funny thing is that married couples think single people get all the action and are free to get all they want, anytime, anyplace - and single people think that married couples are the ones that are having all the fun.

In reality, a widow often finds the hassle of sexuality the most trying in starting up another relationship.  Having a loving husband made having a sexual life easy and comfortable.  Just because our husbands are gone doesn’t mean our sexual needs automatically go away

.

Most widows are more or less terrified by the thought of dating again, especially if it’s been years and the dating rules have changed.  They feel old, unattractive, unsure of themselves and fearful of the unknown.  Also, no matter what our age we still hear our parents telling us to be good girls.  At this stage we may even find our grown children telling us the same thing.

No wonder dating is confusing and uncertain when you are a widow.  I can’t give you any magic words of wisdom on this issue.  Everyone has their own moral compass about what is right or wrong.  What I do know is that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if it feels right because otherwise you may miss the chance to have another great guy in your life.  On the other side it can be easy to get mixed up with the wrong guy, so listen to your heart and be careful but not fearful.

Stages Of Grief - Healthy Relationships

Often after our spouse has died, we go looking for another relationship – one that appears to have everything that the previous one had.

Because this new relationship appears to solve all of your problems, you hold onto it tightly.  You may believe that the new partner is the one who is making you happy.  But it’s really your own state of mind while dating that either makes you happy or not.

Just be watchful that the new relationship isn’t a “rebound” out of loneness or fear of being alone.  To find someone again to share your life with is a blessing but only if you are in the right place of mind.  If not you could find yourself in a situation that is more unbearable than being by yourself.