Are You Too Busy?

Our lives have become so hectic and over scheduled that stopping to make a phone call to someone we really want to talk to, often feels like just one more additional thing to do.

I know that keeping busy has always been my way of handling grief and stress but it can be a dangerous habit.

There has been a massive increase in the last several years in people always talking about how busy they are. It’s a real epidemic! You don’t talk to someone in person or on the phone without hearing about how busy they are or how tired they are and how they have no time for themselves.

They talk about it because so much of it is true. If a group of women want to get together it’s a major project to figure out a time when they can all do it. It’s a crazy thing that our society has done as our communities have become a distant memory.

When I grew up there was always people dropping in for tea and today, no one drops in. If something was happening someone noticed and cared. Intimate human communication was just part of our lives but now we have to schedule a time for it.

We buy beautiful picture frames that say “Family” or “Friendship” and put photos in them of people that we are too busy to see or call.

I’m just as bad as everyone else – too busy is my motto but I’m trying and I want you to be aware so that you can also try. Family and Friends use to be a part of our lives and not just something to schedule in. Let’s try together to stop and think about what we are doing the next time we say “I’m too busy”!

Will a Support Group Help me Grieve?

Widows often ask me, “Do support groups work?” or “Will a support group help my grief?”
The answer is “Yes” – regardless of your background, age or circumstances, widows who joined a support group were able to heal faster. They felt less depressed and used less medication or alcohol to soften their feelings of sadness.

The more deeply you get involved in the group, the greater the signs of recovery. Widows become less anxious, have a greater sense of well-being and higher hope for their future.

As a widow, the greatest challenge is the struggle to become “single”. The support you receive from a group that encourages you to live for today is very important.

Your future as planned has been taken away from you when your spouse died, and it takes a long time to build a new future. At first you feel cheated because you expected to grow old together so it’s natural to need support.

“The Chicks Night Out” is an example of a support group for women who have lost a loved one. It’s not a formal meeting, but a place to share your journey. At first you may not feel like you need this group of people, but soon you will get more involved and get to know the other ladies.

Your new friends in the group will help you to get over your disappointment in your old friends, find joy in the present moment and make sense of the emotional journey of highs and lows.

Look around your home town and find a support group. Even though you don’t feel like it – give it a chance. If that group doesn’t feel right than go in search of another group. It doesn’t have to be a formal group but it should be a group of people that understand your sorrow.

Loneliness is a Challenge for Widows

Loneliness is the greatest challenge faced by survivors. When it comes to accepting and dealing with loss, each day presents its own challenge.

A simple everyday task can trigger the loneliness of loss. Loneliness is judged to be more difficult to endure than fatigue, anxiety and memory loss.

Indeed, the intensity of loneliness can be so severe that widows and widowers may experience illusions and hallucinations of the deceased. About a third tell their doctors they have seen, heard or even talked to their dead husband or wife. These experiences do not in any way indicate mental illness as it’s just their way of dealing with the loss of their loved ones.

The oldest widows and widowers have the most consistent improvement in their loneliness over time – they do this by relying on friends. I suspect that friends provide a respite from daily routines and an outlet for confiding thoughts and feelings.

People who can talk about their worries and fears with friends are better able to deal with the challenges of loneliness.

Holiday Grief

The holiday season can be especially rough for those of us who’ve lost someone close recently or who lost someone close at this time of the year. With all the messages of family togetherness and joy, the emptiness left behind when someone passes away is in harsh contrast to what society seems to “expect” us to feel.

CMHA Offers 10 Tips for Holiday Peace of Mind and Holiday Grief. Full article with tips and support from the Canadian Mental Health Association: http://www.cmha.bc.ca/get-informed/news/media/05/12/14

Helping Grieving Children Deal with the Holidays

Children are often referred to as the “forgotten mourners.” They have learned not to upset their parents and so they withdraw and don’t ask any questions. They just hope things will turn out fine and that they will have a good Christmas.

 

One of the difficulties children have in dealing with their grief is that they are often discouraged from expressing grief. Since the grief of a child increases the pain adults are feeling, adults often avoid talking with children about their feelings. They don’t always understand a child’s grief.

Include children in any discussion about the holidays. It is a time of great insecurity for them and they need the security and support of the family.

Ask the children what they would like to have happen on Christmas Day. Ask them what they want and what they don’t want. It is best to know ahead of time what is going to happen rather than approach the day without any plans.

Get the children’s ideas about an appropriate gift or donation in memory of a loved one. They may also like the idea of putting a new decoration on the tree in memory of the one who has died. Let them choose a special memory candle to burn.

Give the children a break from the family. If they want to spend part of their Christmas holidays with their friends, let them.

You Gotta Have Friends!

You have likely already heard how important friendships are when you are grieving. Recent studies show that lonely grievers are more likely to develop high blood pressure, sleep poorly and get sick more often. On the other hand if you are well connected you are healthier and life is a little bit easier to take.

Friends are the lifesavers that you turn to when you are grieving and you need to vent. But how many friends does it take to feel happy and loved? Fewer than you might think!
The happiest of people say they have positive, close friendships and that their friendships give them unconditional support as well as help with their stress.

As we grieve, we want fewer but more fulfilling friendships. We just don’t have the energy to put ourselves out there to keep in touch with a lot of different friends. Not only do some of our friends leave us when we become widowed – we also choose to end some friendships. As some friendships end, established connections become stronger, and their impact on us is felt more deeply.

When grieving we may lean towards being loner like. We all need close friends when life gets chaotic but right now we need to focus on grieving and we need to ease our anxiety about the future. Treasure the people in your inner circle, clinging to them as your grieve and heal. But don’t worry about those superficial people that have moved on or that you no longer want to spend time with.

You may have no energy at this point to socialize but if you’re realistic about it, you’ll realize that you will have plenty of time to make new friends as you heal – and you will!

The Best and Worst in People

I’ve found that the holidays bring out the best and worst in people. We spend time with family that we don’t always want to be with. We attend functions out of obligation or good old fashion guilt trips. There is often a family member who likes to stir things up, estranged siblings, rambunctious kids or the family drunk. Throw in crowded airports or cars and living out of a suitcase – it’s enough to make you want to run away!

If you have company coming to stay with you, than you are the host with all the added duties that go with it. You may love having the company come but in the end you can’t wait till they are gone and everything is quiet again.

When we are grieving we just don’t have the energy for people (even loved ones). I don’t ever recommend choosing isolation but if you don’t want to partake, don’t. There is no need for excuses or lies, just say no. A simple, yet firm, “no thank you” is sufficient.

On the other hand you may have the most amazing people in your life and you simply adore spending time with them. But the holidays bring with it an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. It’s hard facing the never ending and inappropriate questions others feel the need to ask. Remember this, “You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your feelings or details about your grief.”

What's Really Important Is Memories

They say that wisdom comes with age but even so I’m a late learner.

Yesterday I taught a workshop on “Law of Attraction” and I had one of those light bulb moments of clarity.  While having lunch with the group we started talking about caregivers and how for some it comes naturally – they live to care for others and don’t feel the least stressed or put upon.  While for others looking after someone for even a few days stretches them to their limits.  Sadly most of us will end up being caregivers some time in our lives.

I started talking about my mother and how we lived with my grandfather on the farm while I was growing up.  Mom looked after my grandfather until he died, then her oldest cousin lived with us until he died of cancer, then my Aunt Marion lived with us for eleven years until she died, then Uncle Doug and Uncle Russell and the list goes on.  Even later on in my Mother’s life she would drive others in the Senior Complex around to their appointments.

Mom was a natural caregiver but it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized Mom’s secret and that I had it all along and didn’t know it.

When Mom died she didn’t really have anything of value and so most of her stuff was donated.  But from my childhood memories I kept Mom’s small tin treasure chest full of pennies.  I remember for years as a child all the people that would come to our house to play cards and have a cup of tea.  Mom would always bring out her treasure of pennies to play with.

But I just realized that the memory is not in the card games but in Mom’s laughter and joy in life.  She knew how to enjoy what life gave her and she was truly happy with very little.  Mom had no car in those days, was bringing up five daughters and was boarding two other girls.  There was never any money but she always enjoyed people and they were drawn to her.

I dug out that old tin treasure chest and put it on my fireplace so that it will be a consistent reminder to me about what really matters.  Mom knew that the secret is friends and that the joys of life are free because laughter doesn’t even cost a penny.

AARP Study on Longevity

There has been a major shift for people between fifty and seventy-five as this generation is expected to be the healthiest and longest lived in history.

The National Center for Health Statistics reports that an American who reaches the age of sixty-five can survive to age ninety – almost doubled from forty years ago.

AARP study shows that a surprising number of people plan to work during their retirement years.  We need to stay active for our lives to have purpose, to venture into new domains and develop new skills.

For longevity “retirement” should not be in our vocabulary and we need to challenge the culture that says aging leads to the deterioration of our mind and body.  There is a social and psychological benefit from being part of the community and enjoying life as we move into our leisure years.

You may be on your own but that doesn’t mean you have to be lonely.

Financial Decisions Widows Need To Make

Financial decisions have to be made every time you turn around.   Everyone has an opinion but not everyone is an expert.

This is your future security so be very cautious. 

• Ask your bank about their Financial Planning Consultants.

• Talk to your Insurance Agent about your policies and financial planning.

• See your Lawyer to redo your will and ask about a living trust fund.

• Think about preplanning your funeral – it’s a gift to the family.

• Take time to be grateful for what you do have and more abundance will come to you.

Can you afford to live the life you really want? You have to take control because ignorance is not bliss when it comes to your money. If you don’t know what to do or how to do it asking for help is your first step.   We all need support when learning new skills.   Also, give to others -not just money but in sharing of your time to help someone else.

Check out   the website http://widowed.ca/ for some great advise for Canadian widows.

Balance your check book and get your bills together. Know what is coming in and what is going out every month. Identify the expenses that are unnecessary and get rid of them.  Ask yourself what adds value to your life.   This website www.debtproofliving.com has some great advise.

Living well does not require having a lot of money. And living within your means does not mean that you have to give up those things you enjoy. The key is to stop and ask yourself what truly makes you happy and go for quality of life not quantity of things.

A Widow's Journey by Stephanie Chandler

Being a widow and knowing that you are alone is the hardest journey to take but we still have the knowledge that our husbands didn’t want to leave us. When you become a widow because your husband made that choice by taking his own life, it leaves you with whole lot of extra pain, anger and questions – some never to be answered.

Attached is a link to a great article from STEPHANIE CHANDLER   She is a reporter for the Shriver Report and an author of nine business and marketing books, including Own Your Niche. 

A Widow’s Journey Through the First Six Months

http://shriverreport.org/a-widows-journey-through-the-first-six-months/

My body shook as the officer walked toward me. He was about to confirm what I had spent the last several hours telling myself could not be true. “There is no easy way to tell you this. Your husband took his own life.” I turned, ran ten steps, and…

Having a Bad Day?

Bad days – we all have them.  One day everything is fine and the next everything looks grey and sad. The good news is that pain, while soul-crushing, is manageable.  The pain can steal my peace but it does leave behind experience.  This experience is more valuable then gold because it is what armors me against the emptiness and gives me the capability to help other widows.

If you’re fortunate enough to give someone else some disaster relief, it is a beautiful thing.   I’m a firm believer in the power of distraction and its cure for loneliness and frustration.

Please accept my mood swings and irritation when people say “This too shall pass”.  ”Buck up”.  ”You will find someone else”.  ”It’s time to move on”.   People need to mourn their losses their own way and memories need to be honored.

Sometimes well-meaning friends stand by and attempt to comfort by saying things like:”At least he didn’t suffer” or “Trust in God”.  These comments are meant to comfort you, but they are meaningless at this time because your pain is too great.

Understand that they don’t really know your pain unless they themselves are widows.  They are trying the best they can to comfort you and that’s what matters. Sometimes we just need to be sad and to be listened to – a hug wouldn’t hurt either.  They can’t make it better because it is what it is.  

My bad days are fewer as the years go on, but they are still part of my own journey. Discouraging feelings keep you thinking about what you can’t do instead of what you can do. They can stop you from doing anything except feeling sorry for yourself.  We can’t fix everything and sometimes life just isn’t fair. But through all this I have friends and family that I love and who love me.

Stop and think – You don’t have to stay discouraged.  Don’t listen to that gloomy inner voice that says “I’ll never be happy again”.  We all have a choice and we can work to change our inner voice and refuse to be discouraged.  Take one step at a time and think of what positive things you have in your life.

It’s easy to get discouraged about all aspects of your life when you are grieving.  Take positive steps on your journey from grieving to healing by being good to yourself.

Do You Postpone Decisions?

It is often easier to postpone making a decision than to make a decision that you are not sure of.

You can feel overwhelmed after your spouse dies and fear making a decision you will regret.  Take three pages and on each page write one of these “Do Now” – “Do Later” – “Do Whenever” on top.  List all the decisions you have to make on the page you think it belongs on.  Now list all the tasks that are involved in that decision.  Make notes about why and who this might also affect.

Use this as a work plan so that you can make an educated decision.  As you make a decision cross it off your list and you will feel like you have accomplished something.  It will make you feel good about yourself.

Hiding Behind A Mask

A mask is an image that you project so that others believe that is who you are.  But it stops others from really knowing how your feeling and may even keep you from knowing yourself.

You may not want to take off your mask because you don’t want others to see the sadness underneath.  But when you take that leap of faith, you will often experience more closeness with friends and family.

It can be exhausting always wearing that “happy face” mask.  Let people know what you are really feeling instead of always having to appear strong.  When your mask gets too heavy have faith in yourself and throw it away.  The real you will be out in the open and then you can start rebuilding your life.

Grief Is An Ongoing Process

Grief is an ongoing process and it is never completely settled. The loss is always with you and it can be triggered by anything. One moment you are resilient, functioning and in control. The next minute you feel fragile, confused and helpless.

 No one expresses loss in exactly the same way, some connect emotionally to loss through words, while others engage in rituals and acts that demonstrate the importance of the deceased in their lives.

A personal as grief is, experts agree that people experience common thoughts and feelings in response to the loss of a loved one.

These “categories” are outlined below by Therese Rando, Ph.D., in “How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies” (Lexington Books, 1988). Rando, a renowned expert on the grieving process, is a clinical psychologist in Warwick, R.I., and clinical director of the Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss.

 What to Expect After a Loved One Dies: Forms of Grief

The Main Categories of Grief

• Avoidance.  Feelings of shock and disbelief are typical of the early days after death; usually, they give way to a cascade of other reactions — anger, sadness, fear, worry and despair.
• Confrontation. This is the most acute, emotionally charged phase of grief, writes Rando. The shock has worn off, but you repeatedly review the fact that your loved one is dead. You may feel an aching emptiness and be fearful that your suffering will never subside.
• Accommodation. Acute grief has declined and you start to pick up your routine. You are still mourning what you have lost, not just the person’s physical presence but all of the hopes, dreams, wishes, goals, fantasies and feelings you had for and with that person. But you know you will survive.

Physical Symptoms of Grief

• During the phases of grief, people often have physical reactions, including insomnia, weight gain or weight loss, fatigue, poor digestion, irritability and inability to concentrate.
• People reported being unable to sleep during the first six months after their loved ones die. Disrupted sleep is common, says Golden. “Before sleep, your body and mind are relaxed, which is precisely the state you need to be in for deep emotions to surface,” he explains.

Learning to Live With Loss

To adapt to living without your loved one, Rando says the following tasks must be accomplished.

• The reality and reasons for death must be acknowledged, put in context and accepted. This is why humans spend so much time, effort and money to recover bodies after catastrophes, she points out. We need evidence of death before we can grieve it.
• The pain of separation must be felt over and over again for the emotional charge to be diffused. It is often said that the only way to heal from pain is to lean into it. Many people find that writing, music and art help them to process the pain, especially if they can’t talk about it.
• New roles and skills must be assumed to compensate for what you have lost.

Finally, the emotional energy you invested in the relationship with the deceased needs to be channeled elsewhere so it can once again bring you satisfaction. Rando notes that the energy does not need to be reinvested in a person; it can be placed in objects, activities, hopes or causes.

Being a Self-sufficient Widow

Being self-sufficient is defined in the dictionary as independent, supporting oneself without the help of others.  Well, that couldn’t explain better what we have to become when our loved ones dies.

One person’s stress is another person’s challenge because people differ considerably when it comes to the feeling of being in control.

A study of 683 people aged 70 years and over living in New Zealand revealed that those with a feeling of control feel generally good about life, are less likely to be depressed, are healthier and are more likely to participate in exercise.  Based on these observations, psychiatrists think it likely that depression is tied to a person’s sense of control and how self-sufficient they are.

According to researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Human Development and Education in Berlin, aging people that anticipate the loss of friends as they grow older and make deliberate efforts to make new ones are more successful at being self-sufficient and happy.

The successfully adjusted widows were more self-reliant, more tolerant of being alone, more perseverance in the face of stress.  In addition they considered their lives as meaningful.  It’s likely that this “pioneering spirit” acts as a powerful motivator for the widows to accomplish more and therefore stay alive longer.

Quote by Cicero :  “But it is our duty…to resist old age; to compensate for its defects by watchful care; to fight against it as we would fight against disease”

Ending a Negative Relationship with Integrity

There are times when we have to accept that some people are too negative and the relationship needs to end.  The attitude you show when ending this relationship should be a class act. Just in case things should change remember to close every door gently, no kicking and no yelling.

Ending the relationship with integrity and class is something few people can do.  The trap of deception is deadly and it begins when you deceive yourself.  Unforgiveness is poisonous and will destroy you from within.  Release all you old pains and hurts because you can not change others, you can only change how you react to them.  Forget the blaming, complaining and accusations.

Always be honest to others about the reason for ending the relationship if they should ask. It is not necessary to give every detail but it is important that the details you give are accurate.  However,  if they don’t ask and the relationship just drifts away then let it.  

It is not always easy to end a relationship as it may require courage to face the future without that person.  If the relationship is ending do not let it go in a fit of anger.  Do not end it because of a misunderstanding or because someone else recommends that you do it.  

Sometimes a relationship is worth saving and sometimes it isn’t.  Only you can tell if the ending is necessary and if it is do it with integrity.

Getting Organized

It is a rare person that has everything in order, who has a plan in place for what they will do when their loved one dies.

You need to make a master list of what must be done immediately and how, and then another list with plans for the next six months.  You need to have a lawyer, preferably one who is knowledgeable in matters of estate – if you don’t have one get a referral from friends or the local bar association.

A large spiral notebook divided in two sections (section one for immediate and section two for next six months) is ideal for keeping track of all you need to do.  Remember to check off each task as it is accomplished.  Consider a cardboard file box for keeping all the necessary documents and papers with your notebook.

Choose a time to work on these have-to tasks when you are feeling able to concentrate.  You may want to ask a friend who has some business experience to give you some ongoing help.

Don’t be tempted to simply rifle through your mail and then let it pile up somewhere.  Toss out junk mail immediately – put cards and letters of condolence in a basket to be read and answered when ready and bills in a special drawer to be dealt with the first and middle of each month.

As you gain strength you will slowly be able to make it through the details that may now seem overwhelming.

9 Best Blogs For Widows

I just received this message  I wanted to pass it on to my loyal followers:

“DatingAdvice.com has named you as one of the “9 Best Blogs for Widows.”

The rankings were published this morning, and we’ll be promoting it on-site and through other social media channels over the coming days.

You can view your write-up here: http://www.datingadvice.com/for-women/9-best-blogs-for-widows

You have the bragging rights, so feel free to share the news on your blog and with your followers! Let me know if I can be of any help in promoting the news.”

Have a great day,
Hayley

Perseverance As A Widow

When we encounter adversity because of the death of a loved one, our natural inclination is to panic, surrender or retreat.  But the best thing is to just face it head-on because this not the time to be timid.

For those of us that hang in there, our strength of character will grow.  Perseverance is critical to achieving peace and healing our pain.

Each time we get up after we are knocked down, we are exercising perseverance, a strength that will serve us well throughout our lives.  You will develop qualities of patience, strength, courage, kindness, humility and faith.

But just as important as all those qualities are, you become more valuable to others when they experience the same adversity that you have overcome.  

You are equipped to help others through grief because you have already gone through it.

Giving Away Personal Items

Some people mark personal items in their home with masking tape to indicate the name of the person who is to receive it when they die.  Masking tape can be removed or lost so to ensure that each item is given to the intended person, give it directly to the person while you are alive or attach a letter to your will listing each item and who is to receive it.

Some lawyers include a clause in the will stating that you are providing a letter to assist your executor with distributing personal items.  Then, it you want to make a change you just have to redo the letter and not your entire will.

Family members often squabble over the assets, however small, that they would have liked to have or feel that was intended for them.  If may be helpful to family relationships to carefully note who gets what.  It’s even better to give personal items as a gift while you are still alive.  Explain that you really want them to have the gift and I’m sure they will graciously accept it.

If you give your adult child the cottage, mutual funds or any asset other than cash, Revenue Canada may assume that you sold that asset at fair market value and there could be a taxable capital gain that you will have to report as income.

If you use a trust account to give money to a child or grandchild who is under 18, you are still responsible for paying income tax on any interest earned.  It may be better to put money into an interest free account (up to $5,000 a year) and have it in your will that that account is for the grandchildren.  There is also a Registered Education Savings Plan (RESP) that can be a tax effective way to give money to a child or grandchild.

There are advantages to giving away some of your estate while you are still alive:

• You can see  the joy that the gifts bring to those you love.
• Your future income taxes may be lower.
• You can settle things early and save future disagreements.

There are disadvantages to giving assets away during your lifetime:

• You might be giving up control of your property.
• Revenue Canada may consider it “sold” and tax you fair market value.
• You may give away too much and need it later in life.

I’m not suggesting that you should or should not give away some of your money or assets. You must first assess your needs for now and for the future.  If you are satisfied that your needs will be met, then discuss your plans with the recipient to see how they will be using your gift.

It is sad if a gift is not appreciated or is wasted.  Be sure that you will be at peace with whatever your decision is.

Once you get pass personal items and who gets what,  it’s best to seek the advise of specialists in the field of estate planning.  You don’t want to run into trouble with the Tax Man or cause a family split because someone feels left out.

Grief is Stealing Our Sleep

Sleep is as vital to your health as diet and exercise.  But when your loved one dies sleep is hard to come by.  

Sometimes on a temporary basis such as the loss of a loved one sleeping pills may help. Most sleep experts agree that sleeping pills should be used only in the smallest effective dose, for the shortest of time and with extreme caution.  

Never take more than the recommended dose, never combine more than one prescription or drink alcohol while on sleeping pills.

The downside of sleeping pills:

• Prolong use brings tolerance and over time it will take greater dosages to sleep.
• Sleeping pills can be addictive and withdrawal will be difficult and uncomfortable.
• When you stop you are likely to have bad dreams and even more insomnia.
• Don’t drive after you have taken your sleeping pills.

For short-term insomnia, the safe use of sleeping pills can be an effective way of inducing sleep when your loved one has died.  But be careful and don’t get dependent on them.  If you continue to have problems sleeping look at natural supplements like the herb Valerian, the root of a European plant.  

I recommend that you talk to your doctor and do your own research before you make any decisions about taking sleeping pills.

Be a Survivor

All the books tell us that we need to connect with our feeling as if in some strange way they were in some other location rather than within us.

Our feelings are what make us human and regardless of what feelings we are experiencing we need to take time to recognize that we are feeling.  There are times as a survivor when we a numb and that is probably the best way to just get past those first few minutes, hours, days and months.

But then the feelings start and the grieving begins.  Every important action we take is motivated by our feelings – positive or negative.  As survivors we need to recognize the feelings we have been experiencing since the death of our loved one.  By getting in touch with our feelings we are then able to deal with them.  

We need to give our feelings space to live, respecting their existence and recognizing how they are controlling our actions.  Your feelings are within you every moment, with every breath you take.

Respect those feelings and allow yourself the freedom to recognize your feelings of grief. Only then you will be able to open yourself up to new feelings of healing and joy.

Early Years of Widowhood

In the early years of being a widow I searched out women who were years into widowhood and asked them to revisit that period in their lives.  They made themselves available to me and shared their deepest feelings.

It was like I was in a dark cave and they came in to sit with me, reassuring and coaxing me out into the light.  They told me to prepare myself for a whole new life, but also assured me that despite my grief, they knew I could handle it.  Their confidence in me plus being forewarned helped boost my spirit.

Widowhood heightened my sense of life’s fragility and has resulted in some major, life-changing decisions.  I’ve realized that I want to try new things and that this priority outweighs my career of thirty-six years.

Donnie’s death has sharpened my focus and strengthened my resolve to enjoy life, to love those who mean so much to me, and to accept that adversity can in fact intensify life, putting the ordinary pleasures that I used to take for granted into a sweetness of living.

Through those early years my widowed friends functioned as my no-nonsense reality check, my advocate as they listened patiently to my anxieties.  Even though I complained and felt sorry for myself, I had them to buck me up. 

I knew I could trust them, so I felt free to confide my darkest fears knowing that my spirit was in the care of my friends.  The very fact of their existence helped as I was buoyed up simply by sharing their stories, witnessing how they lived their lives, and knowing that not that long ago, each of them had been in my place.

I look back on these early years with a willingness to help other women through it.  Please take advantage of all the resources on my website, newsletter and blog postings. 

And most of all please search out those special friends that can be there for you – to cry, to laugh and to understand your grief.

Praise and Acknowledgment

Were you recognized recently for doing a good deed?  Maybe you helped a neighbor, sent a thank-you note, prepared a meal for someone or did some volunteer work.

It’s invigorating to be praised for doing a good deed.  There is nothing like feeling good for doing something of value.

When you do good works, enjoy the good feeling you get for doing it.  If you also receive some praise then relish that also.  But keep your focus on the people that you are helping and not on what you hope to gain.

• Admit that it feels great to be acknowledged for doing good.
• Understand that it’s okay not to be recognized for your good deeds.
• Think of one good deed you can do without that person knowing and then do it.
• Contact someone who has done a good deed for you and thank them.

Dr. Wayne Dyer "I Can See Clearly Now"

Dr. Wayne Dyer has a new book called “I Can See Clearly Now”.  Wayne is seventy two years old looking back at the events in his life that got him to where he is today.  Wayne spent ten years in foster homes and his life had many trials and disappoints that he did not see as positive events.

Wayne Dyer looked at each event in his life and what took him from one path to another. He believes that there are no accidents and that all things happen for a reason.  

I ask  ”What positive reason could the death of my loved one serve?”  It’s hard to accept that Donnie’s death could put me on a new path for a reason that would be clear to me years later.

It has been over six years since Donnie’s death and the first two years I was adrift without a path to follow.  My future as I had planned it was gone and there was not going to be a happy ever after retirement with my loved one.  It wasn’t until I found a new path and a passion for something that I believed in that I was able to accept where my journey was leading me.

You need to grieve, but there will come a time when you will either make a positive decision to follow your new path or you will continue to hold on to a path that is no longer there. Years later I can now say that  ”I Can See Clearly Now” and understand my journey is no accident.  I have learned to live this life with a positive mindset – living in the moment and not focusing on the past or the future.

Expect the best from life and you will be more open to increase, good breaks and people being kind to you.  You are a victor and not a victim in the creation of your life.  You have to believe it in faith before you see it – set your mind to seeing a positive and not a negative life ahead of you.

What Makes You Happy?

It’s easy to think about about makes us unhappy but I want you to think about what genuinely makes you happy.

I’ve categorized some responses I’ve received:

• Social interaction with family, friends and pets
• Experiencing time out doors with nature
• Charity and volunteering
• Inspiring others though coaching and teaching
• Learning
• Mindfulness or “being in the moment”
• Good Health
• Exercise
• Financial Well-Being

Tell me “What Makes You Happy?”  and now one more question “Are you doing it?”

Financial Tips for the Widowed

Being widowed is never easy. Besides the emotional grief you are feeling, you’re overwhelmed with many different financial considerations that you need to address. Although this is a difficult time be easy on yourself, breathe and use these four tips to help make your financial planning easier.

1.) Take a step back - Because this is such a difficult time in your life, it is important that you take a step back and do not jump to any irrational decisions. When your emotions are all over the place, your mind is not in the best place for making certain financial decisions. Give yourself time to heal.

2.) Get the right advice - There are so many resources available that can help you get your finances in order.  A financial adviser can help you look at your different financial aspects such as the money you have and your future cost of living. This can help you to determine if you’re living above your means and need to take a step back, or if you have more than you need and can increase your goals.

3.) Look out for scams - Sadly, there are many people out there who are looking to take advantage of you because they know this is a difficult time and that you are more vulnerable. Run everything by your lawyer or another trusted professional. Do not give out any of your information without seeking legal advice.

4.) Keep your finances to yourself - One mistake many people make is leaving their children or loved ones to deal with their finances. While it may seem like an easier route to take, it can turn into a big mistake. They may not make good choices financially, or they might expose you to bad investments which in turn can hurt your future.

In summary, if you are recently widowed, be very cautious and move slowly when it comes to addressing your financial needs. 

Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise

I found this great article while researching and thought it was worth passing on to my readers:

RePosted article from Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT author of the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise”  

 

1.  You don’t have to worry what others think about your grief.

Don’t let the fear of what others think about how you mourn keep you from mourning in ways that help you heal or become reconciled to your loss (accepting the new reality).  Others don’t know exactly what you are going through and may give advice that will not work for you.  Grief is the natural way humans react to the death of someone they love or are emotionally connected to.  It is what happens inside of us emotionally, mentally and spiritually after a loss.  You may feel like you are crazy, abnormal or out of control when you express your grief but that is because you are in new emotional territory.  You have never experienced anything like this loss so you will think, feel and do things you have never done before in response to a loss.  You are not crazy or abnormal or out of control.  You are simply going through the unexplored and never before experienced state of an overwhelming loss.  What keeps you healthy and healing in grief is normal and natural for you.

2.  Your grief isn’t a bad thing.

Death is always a bad thing, but the grief that results can serve a good purpose.  Emotions in grief are not bad, they just exist.  We mourners can’t control what we feel in grief.  The emotions just seem to happen.  Although the emotions (sadness, depression, anger, fear, guilt, regret, etc.) are unpleasant and often painful, they all serve a purpose.  Grief is a transition time when we move from life with the person physically present to life without the person physically present.  We still love the person and are tied to them in a relationship that is emotional and spiritual now.  We move from a relationship based on their physical present to a relationship that is based on memories.

Grief is the overflowing love you still have in your heart for the person no longer physically present. Death doesn’t kill the relationship; it just changes it.  You still have love in your heart that needs to be expressed.  Since you can’t express it the way you did when they were physically present, the love is expressed in grief and mourning.  How you choose to express this love in grief helps you to heal and is a way of remembering and honoring your loved one.

3.  Your grief will last as long as you miss the loved one.

Grief has its own timetable.  It takes as long as it takes.  As long as you miss the loved one, you will mourn in some way.  As time passes you, your grief, and how you mourn changes.  For most mourners there will still be times when the grief seems fresh again…but those times grow shorter, decrease and become farther apart as time goes by.

4.  Your grief is unique.

No two people grieve exactly alike.  There are no stages or levels that happen in a predictable order.  There are similar experiences and emotions in all griefs, but every grief is different.  Your grief will be shaped by the unique, one of kind relationship you have with your valuable loved one.

5.  Your grief doesn’t end your life.

Although it feels like it, your life is not over after the death of your loved one.  You have entered a new stage and new reality in your life that you did not ask for or want.  There can and will be days ahead for you filled with activities, family, friends and opportunities to experience joy, peace, and fulfillment.  But it may take time and effort on your part in your work of grief to get there.

6.  Your grief connects you to your loved one.

Again, your grief is the love you express in missing your loved one.  You need to remember a valuable life and honor it with your life well lived.  Grief gives you that opportunity to heal and remember your loved one in meaningful ways.  You are not a survivor of the loved one, you can be a living memorial to the loved one.

7.  Your grief prepares you in a unique way to help others.

Along your grief journey, God will place people in your path that you can help in their grief.  Your grief experience prepares you in truly unique ways to reach out to others maybe as you wish others had reached out to you. 

Laughter is our Best Medicine

When we get uptight and on edge, our bodies get unhealthy and lack of energy and sleep become a problem.

One of the greatest natural stress relievers is quite simply laughter.  It’s the best medicine as it makes us feel better by releasing the pressures of life and restoring our sense of fun and adventure.

Do you remember the last time you had a good hearty laugh?  Many people who are stressed just need to restore balance by developing a sense of humor and looking for opportunities to laugh.

You may not be naturally joyful but you can train yourself to laugh as often as possible.  I find it easy to laugh when I’m with naturally happy people because they laugh and enjoy themselves everywhere they go.  I love talking to my cousin Dennis because he has this amazing deep chuckle when he laughs and it always gets me laughing with him.

Just watching and listening to my grandchildren play helps lift my mood.  When they are playing and are so free with their fun you just can’t help but laugh with them.  Just because we are no longer children doesn’t mean we are supposed to be solemn and never have any fun.  Every healthy adult should keep some of that childlike joy in their lives.

One of the traits of healthy people in their nineties is that they are good-humored and enjoy everyday life. When you laugh and play it brings healing and joy into your life.  Remember, laughter is our best medicine.