Stages Of Grief - Healthy Relationships

Often after our spouse has died, we go looking for another relationship – one that appears to have everything that the previous one had.

Because this new relationship appears to solve all of your problems, you hold onto it tightly.  You may believe that the new partner is the one who is making you happy.  But it’s really your own state of mind while dating that either makes you happy or not.

Just be watchful that the new relationship isn’t a “rebound” out of loneness or fear of being alone.  To find someone again to share your life with is a blessing but only if you are in the right place of mind.  If not you could find yourself in a situation that is more unbearable than being by yourself.

Homeless Doesn't Mean Heartless

I want to start this blog with some interesting stats:

2.3 to 3.5 million people will be homeless at some point this year.
750,000 people will end up sleeping on the streets.
30% of the homeless are families with children.
44% of the homeless have part or full-time work.
94% of the homeless do not want to be homeless.
Don’t judge people based on their circumstances or appearances.  Millions of people are one paycheck or health crisis away from being homeless themselves.

Volunteering at a mission, shelter or soup kitchen will give you insight into their journey and you’ll be surprised at what you learn.  Show them consideration, be polite, smile and simply say “hello” because they are human just like you.

You matter and so do they.  Treat the homeless with dignity and respect; they are someone’s child and we may be in the same place if we had to walk in their shoes.

You know the saying “But for the grace of God …”.

Moving Through Grief

Be kind to yourself.  Sleep in if you need to and listen to your inner voice because you are the one who knows best how to take care of yourself.  Curl up in your fuzzy robe and just relax.  Take a deep breath of fresh air and enjoy a walk through a park.

Give yourself permission to step back from the world and recoup.  Take time to stop and weep, stop and enjoy a memory and naturally heal as you move forward.

We don’t all move through the stages of grief in any predictable manner.  Grief does not fit into a nice neat package.  I’ve learned that we can move forward and then discover ourselves going back a few steps and that is ok. 

That is our reality and I am privileged to know women that have travelled this journey before me.  They teach me by just watching the richness they have made in their lives with new friends and hobbies.  I thank them for sharing their insights with me and in turn helping me on my own journey.

Assume Control

When your loved one died you had no choice because you were not in a position of control.  Tears flow and again you are not in control.  Others around you take over and although they are trying to help, again you feel that you are not in control and maybe it didn’t matter because you did not even care.

Time has passed and slowly you need to regain a sense of control so that you can get back in balance. Start writing down all the things you are responsible for.  Say “I choose” to do this task.  There is something about saying the words “I choose” that will bring your control back.

Choosing not to do something is also a choice and as long as you take note of that choice you are still taking control.  “I choose not to be upset when my married friend doesn’t call” is actively taking control of your emotions.

At night take a look at your day and see what you did.  Even if it was only one thing, celebrate that one thing.  Say to yourself, “I can and will do the next task on my list tomorrow” and then do it.

Before you know it your list of things to do is done and they were done on your time schedule.  Assume control of your life and you will be happier.  After all, you know yourself better than anyone else knows you. 

Trust - It doesn't come easy!

You may have a painful love wound resulting from the ending of the love relationship with your spouse and this love wound may prevent you from loving again.  It's hard to trust and get into another relationship where you may end up going through all that pain a second time.

Maybe the relationship will be a second love, but then they get sick and you’re a widow again.  Or maybe the relationship will not work out and your trust is broken.  It takes time to become emotionally open to understanding that trust begins with your relationship with yourself and then flows out to others.

Keeping a distance can be hazardous if the only reason is lack of trust.  Trust your inner sense to let you know if it’s the right time and the right person.  Also, trust if it is not the right time for you.  There is nothing wrong with finding yourself as a single person and being ok with that.  Trust – It doesn’t come easy, but once you trust your own instinct than everything will fall in place.

Could Somebody Really Love Me?

The typical widow wonders, “Can I find love again?”  

When you lose your spouse you often re-examine what love really is. You may feel unlovable and even be afraid that you will never be in love again.  This fear can be overwhelming when you really want to be in a relationship again.

As women we center our love on another person rather than on ourselves.  When death comes, the center of our love is lost, adding to the trauma of their death.

An important element in the rebuilding of your life is the process of learning to love yourself first.  As you love yourself you will attract others to you.   If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anybody else to love you?  Have faith in yourself because you are strong and loveable just as you are – this I know!

Do You Postpone Decisions?

It is often easier to postpone making a decision than to make a decision that you are not sure of.

You can feel overwhelmed after your spouse dies and fear making a decision you will regret.  Take three pages and on each page write one of these “Do Now” - “Do Later” – “Do Whenever” on top.  

List all the decisions you have to make on the page you think it belongs on.  Now list all the tasks that are involved in that decision.  Make notes about why and who this might also affect.

Use this as a work plan so that you can make an educated decision.  As you make a decision cross it off your list and you will feel like you have accomplished something.  It will make you feel good about yourself.