We Need Positive People In Our Lives

I enjoy encouraging people to seek out the positive in life by listening to others with the intent to find good about what they are saying or doing.

If you tune into the positive, you will get clues about what they are doing and can respond with a positive phrase like “You can do it”   -    “Thank you”   or   “That’s a great idea”.

A positive frame of mind changes how you think and enables you to lift up others.  When you begin to seek the positive you will begin to feel better about life.

All of this self-esteem comes from simply developing the habit of looking for the good in others.  When that happens, you begin to see the good in yourself.  Before you know it people will recognize the good in you and praise you for it.

The point is a positive message – a simple sentence can change a person’s life.

So the questions are:

• What kind of sentences are you speaking?
• What are you hearing from the people in your life – positive or negative talk?
• Are you creating an encouraging atmosphere for others?
• Are the people in your life dragging you down or lifting you up?

I know that life is beyond hard and that deep grief can get a hold of us to the point that no joy or light can come into our lives.  But positive words contain a hidden power that, when released, can change us.

Our decision to live with positive thinking and positive actions will not only help us to grieve and heal, it will lift up the people in our lives and inspire them to do more.

We need to shift our attitude towards positive thinking because negative self talk holds us down and prevents us from being all that we can be.

So this Easter I give you Philippians 4:7-9 (NIV):

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely; whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

Do You Feel Your Confidence Slipping Away?

This is where fear and doubt join forces and you start painting vivid negative pictures in your mind. Most of the things you fear will never happen but it still has the power to rob you of your confidence.

Don’t allow fear and uncertainty to take away your power. Remember, it’s more mentally tiring to think about what has to be done and all the things that could go wrong, than it is to just do it.

Widows with low confidence may sabotage the positive things that could happen in their lives. Because they think they don’t deserve to be happy they come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid taking that first positive step to a new future.

Sometimes they may be moving forward and be doing well and suddenly they mess up for no apparent reason. If this is something you do, stop and quiet your mind before you do anything else. It’s hard to get rebalanced on your own when you have been part of a couple for years.

You will make mistakes along the way but don’t let your confidence slip because of these mistakes. Consider it part of your journey – after all there is no training for grief and you will have to grow as you learn and more forward. Make some small goals to work towards and as you achieve them you will build up your confidence.

Zig Ziglar quote – ”Life benefits from serving others, for as it reaches out to help, it gathers something for itself–friendship”.

The Personal Price of Caring

Widows pay a heavy price for being their husband’s care giver.  The emotional exhaustion of burnout is often accompanied by a deterioration in physical and mental well-being.

Widows report feeling tired and run-down, finding it hard to get up in the morning.  This tiredness comes from tension – the widow is wound up tight , unable to relax or sleep well at night.

Bad dreams and nightmares may begin to disturb your rest and sleepless nights add to your distress.  To cope with these problems, the burned-out provider may turn to tranquilizers, drugs or alcohol.

Each of these solutions for stress has the potential for being abused.  Because of the body’s adjusting tolerance the widow who uses sleeping pills for insomnia finds that over time ever increasing amounts are needed to fall asleep.

Physical health is not the only price of caring – psychological health is also involved.  One phase of burnout is a sense of reduced personal accomplishment and a loss of self-esteem.  Widows may begin to feel bad about themselves, about the kind of people they have become and what they should have done or not done.

In the end, widows who are down on themselves often pull away from other people, becoming isolated and lonely.  A breakdown of self-esteem is a central characteristic of depression.  This mood disorder is often a reaction to the loss of a loved one.

Widows pay a high price to be care givers to their husbands. Problems such as these should be treated through counseling or therapy so please seek out this help.  Don’t worry about what others think because it’s not a sign of weakness to avail yourself of counseling.

I admire those that get help because they are motivated to change and they care about their family and friends.  You don’t have to accept a joyless life – take control of your journey  and plan your future.

Do Their Opinions Really Matter?

Often we don’t even realize who we are meant to be because we let the opinions of others affect us.

We need to hold fast to the thought that other people and their opinions hold only the power that we give them.  So, don’t give your power away and instead pursue your dreams and goals.

I want to help widows think differently about their future and to regain their balance .  Travel your grief journey and come out with the ability to “take the high road” where other people’s opinion don’t really matter.

You may know how it hurts when people offer their opinions without thought as to how it will affect you.  Use this experience to be careful when you start offering your own opinions.

Everyone has the right to travel their own path and unless they ask for advise or are in serious danger it’s best to let them grow and learn at their own pace.

So – do their opinions really matter?  ”Yes” if you let it and “No” if you can take it as a gift from someone who cares and then move on.

Poem by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.

This poem was given to me from one of the widows in our group.  It’s called “The Oak Tree” by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.

The Oak Tree

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the Oak Tree’s leaves away.

Then snapped its boughs

and pulled its bark

until the Oak was tired and stark.

But still the Oak Tree held its ground

while other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

How can you still be standing Oak?”

The Oak Tree said, I know that you

can break each branch of mine in two,

carry every leaf away,

shake my limbs and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

growing stronger since my birth.

You’ll never touch them, for you see

they are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn’t sure

of just how much I could endure.

But now I’ve found with thanks to you,

I’m stronger than I ever knew.

True Friends

After the death of your husband, true friends will be easy to spot.  They will stand by you no matter how uncomfortable things are.  They don’t have to say a word because they understand your grief and can sense both when you need to be alone and when you need them beside you.

Unfortunately, this is where friends who don’t understand will also be easy to spot.  They just want everything to return to normal in their world.  They want to “hurry up the process of grief” because they find you too depressing to be around.

But life is not normal and will never be “normal” as it was when your loved one was with you.  Your world has changed and adjusting to it has to come on your timeline and not someone else’s.

Don’t feel guilty or sad over friends that seem emotionally shallow.  They probably have never experienced the loss of a loved one and so don’t know how it feels.

Also, don’t worry about the friends that have faded away but instead appreciate those true friends that have stayed with you.

Beautiful Lengths

Wigs For Cancer Patients

One of the widows in our Chick’s Night Out group was telling us about how you can donate your healthy ponytail for a special woman who is battling cancer.

Her daughter, Brianna Starkey, did just that and sent her ponytail off to “Beautiful Lengths”.  They sent Brianna a heartwarming thank letter for donating her hair.

It takes roughly six ponytails to make one high quality, real-hair wig.  They work closely with the American Cancer Society who distributes the wigs, at no cost, to female cancer patients.

If you are interested in finding out more about this program and the incredible difference that it is making, please visit  www.beautifullengths.com.  

Thank you Brianna for showing us that reaching out to help others doesn’t have to be a big event.   You have reminded us that we can all make a difference by small acts of kindness.