Grief Recovery Method Guide for Loss

I recently became a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and I want to offer everyone a copy of their free e-book. 

“The Grief Recovery Method Guide for Loss” has 61 tips on the experience of Grief and how to help people through it. Below are the sections within the e-book:

• What is Grief?
• Typical responses associated with Grief.
• How do I know if I, or someone I know, is incomplete with a loss?
• The impact of unresolved Grief in society.
• Most common misinformation on the topic of Grief.
• Common complaints expressed by Grievers.
• Helpful things to say to someone grieving a loss.
• Recovery Method

FREE e-book, The Grief Recovery Method® Guide For Loss.

Grief Recovery Method Guide for Loss

What Are You Hungry For?

After years of watching my weight go up and down, I think I’ve figured out what the hunger is about.

It’s about missing my old life – it’s about walking around hungry for an elusive something, and missing that very thing that could fill my need.

I know this sounds odd, but I’ve found that I can fill my hunger by “showing up” and being present in my life.  When I take the time to enjoy my life, I feel that all of me is living, instead of my mind being off in several different directions at the same time.

Every day, we open our eyes, get out of bed, eat breakfast, brush our teeth and start the day.  And most of the time our minds are somewhere, anywhere but where we are.  We spend our lives, every day and every minute, thinking about what we already did or are going to do and we completely miss what we are doing.

This lack of attention gave me a tremendous spiritual hunger that I couldn’t quite put a name to.  I fooled myself into thinking that it was something I didn’t yet do, while it was right there in front of me.  I kept on thinking that the next big thing – the job, the car, the perfect pair of shoes, the fancy meal out – and I would be filled and contented.

Over and over I found that filling the hunger isn’t about acquiring more things, looking at the past or the future; it’s about noticing what I already have and the person I have already become.

So if eating and shopping and planning will not fill my hunger, how can I be present in my life as it is, and let it fill my needs?  Good question, I say.  And it is.

So, what I do know is that what feeds my hunger will not necessarily feed yours.  So I can not answer these questions for you because only you can seek out what will fill your needs.

For me I’ve found that my hunger does not overcome me when I spend time doing the things I enjoy doing and sharing my precious moments with people that feed my spirit of fun and enjoyment.  Negative people have a way of robbing me of my balance and starving me. I’ve learned that the more time I spend with positive people the more fulfilled I am and I don’t feel hungry; mentally, physically or spiritually.

What Will Your Legacy Be?

When I come across some snippet of information that interests me I copy or cut it out and stick it in a folder where it resides – a reminder of something that I might want to remember in the future. Every so often I rummage through the file folder just to see what is there.

Today I found an interesting article that asked “What will your legacy be?” and it got me thinking.   I started thinking about my everyday life, how I was going to live it and how I was going to contribute to the lives of others.

“What is your legacy going to be?”  What an awesome question!  I think the question asks what actions are we going to take to set a lasting example for our friends and family and what do we leave behind for others who follow?

Consider for a moment what you would like your legacy to be.  Then realize every decision we make, every thing we say, every action we take affects our legacy.

Sometimes those decisions are based on short-term necessity when dealing with the pressure of the moment, but it is wise to stop and take a deep breath before making decisions and consider for a moment that question, “What will your legacy be?”

Journals Help Us Heal

Keep a journal to help you focus on what works for you and helps you take control of the thoughts that keep you from seeing the beauty in yourself.

I am a strong advocate for widows to be the best that they can be.  Self-praise and pride comes from the way you speak, how you stand and how you look at the world.

Thoughts are powerful things.  A journal helps you focus your thoughts on improved self-image and to gain confidence in yourself.

Use the journal once a day, once a month or for the rest of your life – it’s up to you.  The only difference between being just okay or being the best you can be is taking positive action.

Just keep this one thought in mind:  the first person you have to please is yourself.

Thoughtless Comments To People Grieving

Below are some comments made to those that have lost a loved one – let me know if they sound familiar to you:

• You can get married again.                   (I can’t just replace him like a pet fish.)
• Get back to work so you can forget.   (Really!  It’s that easy?)
• At least he lived a long, full life.            (By whose count?)
• I know what you’re going through.     (No you don’t!)
• Had you been arguing?        (Of course, all husbands kill themselves after they argue)
• Didn’t you see the signs?    (What signs? Where is it written that there are signs?)
• Did he leave a note?            (Why, do you want to read it?)
• How are you financially?      (Are you curious about the insurance?)
• You’re doing great!             (Except for behind closed doors!)
• At least he’s not suffering anymore.     (Why did he have to suffer at all?)
• The kids are young and won’t remember him. (Was that suppose to be of comfort?)
• Luckily there is no stigma about suicide these days.  (Yes, aren’t we lucky?)

I’m sure that everyone can add to this list.  Why is it so hard for people to just be there?   A little quiet support goes a long way and is often all that’s needed.

How Do We Wrestle With Grief?

When you lose a loved one grief is the unwanted visitor that comes knocking at our door.

How we wrestle with grief and ultimately push ahead to a new life, varies with each of us.  Many of us need help to bounce back and if we don’t get that help our mental and physical health may buckle under the stress.

Finding support can be the key to a person’s recovery and acceptance of the loss, says the American Cancer Society.  Support can come from friends, physicians, spiritual leaders or mental health professionals.  There is no one easy solution or answer to our personal grief.

Grief can last from several months to several years and can come with feelings of guilt, sadness or numbness.  It might cause trembling, breathing difficulties, sleeplessness, weight loss or gain and may even bring a widow so much mental pain and confusion that it ultimately robs her of her own life.

Grief is as much of a health issue as some infectious diseases.  Dr. Toni Miles, Director at the Gerontology Institute at the University of Georgia says that in their survey, they found that newly bereaved persons are more likely to be hospitalized during the year after the death of their loved one.

Try to wrestle with your grief in your own way, but if you sense that you are unable to deal with your grief, and even close friends and family can’t help, then it’s time to seek outside help.

One thing I have found is that I have the freedom to react or not to what others say and do.  I am in control of my own feelings and I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my life.  Sometimes, others look at widows and judge their actions – it’s too soon or it’s time to move on.  I enjoy time with other widows because they understand that the pain may not be showing on the surface but it’s still there.

Other widows understand how we wrestle with the decisions to move forward – dating or not, travelling or not, when to retire, where to live – these are all decisions that look like they don’t bother us, but they are decisions that we all wrestle with.  Others look at us and judge if we start dating or heaven forbid have a sexual relationship with another man, but there is a lot of emotions that we work through to arrive at that point even though it looks like it’s all smiles and that our grief has passed.

How do we wrestle with grief?  One day at a time – some good and some not, but always moving forward so that our grief does not hold us down long enough for depression to crawl into our lives.

Grief Poem by Stuart & Linda MacFarlane

One step at a time,

One breath at a time,

One day at a time,

Be gentle with yourself,

Give yourself time.

Poem by Stuart & Linda MacFarlane