What to Avoid Saying To a Grieving Widow

It can be nerve-wracking trying to say the “right thing” but many times the very things they think will comfort us will only end up hurting us.  Let’s look at some hurtful things that people say with good intentions.

“He’s in a better place” or “He isn’t in pain anymore.”

She wants him to be is with her.   No matter how much pain he was in or how difficult it was to care for him as least she still had him with her.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

Every widow is different just like every wife and marriage is different.  Even if you have experienced a loss, each widow has their own unique path to travel so you can’t know exactly how she feels.

“You’ll feel better soon.”

She may be thinking she’ll never feel better so presuming how she is going to feel in the future may be very frustrating for her.  Let her grieve and come to this on her own.

“Don’t you think you should be over it by now?”

This question is completely wrong.  Most widows feel like they are never going to “get over it,” and it’s not very accurate to say that losing a loved one can be “gotten over.” The pain may lessen but the loss will always be in her life in one way or another.

“You shouldn’t be sad in front of the children.”

It’s appropriate for the children to see you grieve so that they can show their own grief.  Children may find it confusing to lose their father and yet never see their mother grieve.

“I’m sure it’s what God intended.”

It’s very important to know the widow’s belief system before mentioning anything about God.  It’s better not to assume that she has the same faith or belief that you do.

“He wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad.”

Losing someone is sad, even if the loved one would not want it to be that way.   This comment may make the widow feel guilty that she is sad and she does not need that added emotional stress.

“Let me know if I can do anything to help.”

The widow may not know what help she needs or it may be too hard to ask for help. Instead make specific suggestions and then ask her if that would be ok with her.

People often don’t know what to say or how to act around widows because death and grief are taboo subjects. I hope this blog will give you the information you need to explain to others why their comments are not helping you.

Let’s look at some ways that they can help us with our grief.

Always address the loss. Misguided friends avoid painful issues thinking that they are sparing our feelings, but not saying anything about the death is like saying that our loss is not important.

Allow feelings of all kinds to enter the conversation. A widow’s emotions vary widely during the course of a conversation. This is normal and they can help by creating a safe place for you to experience these feelings.

Remember that each widow’s path has its own ups and downs. Help them to understand that they need to honor your unique journey. It may be longer or shorter than they think it should be, but remember, it’s not their path of grief, it’s yours.

Getting Up When You're Feeling Down

Well, it’s that time of year again, when holidays are starting and everyone is talking about being thankful and grateful. The holiday season starts with Thanksgiving Day and goes through till New Year’s Day. Being thankful is a positive way to attract more situations and experiences to feel thankful for.

But . . . what if . . . you don’t feel particularly th

ankful right now? What if, like so many other widows, you’re having a difficult time and are feeling sad?

Along comes Thanksgiving with all of its added pressures and family obligations and you’re faced with all those “grateful” people telling you to count your blessings.

“Bah, humbug!” you say, “If you lost your loved one like I did you would not be so smiley.”

So how do you handle the holidays when you would rather just stay home and be left alone?

Read the full article by clicking on the link below:

http://tinyurl.com/buh696m

Grief Shakes You To The Core

Grief - I found that it shakes you to the core. It shocks you literally out of your body and it creates such turmoil of emotions that that you feel like you are in the eye of a hurricane.

I had thought that my faith would help me bear my pain. But I discovered that such was not the case and that all I could do was surrender to the grief and pain. Just as a physical injury takes time to heal th

is emotional pain has to take time to subside. I was alone, even as I was surrounded by family and friends, and I had to do my own individual grieving.

Looking back now, I have begun to understand that my spiritual journey was put to the greatest test by the death of Donnie. I have also realized that I still have a way to go in my quest for understanding. Every pain, every ache, every discomfort becomes part of who I am. I discovered that grieving upon the death of a loved one is part of life. Such grief is natural, and points the way to compassion and kindness.

It took time to get to this point in my journey and I have had my share of tears and loneliness. After some of the grief had subsided, after the wounds had healed, I was able to find myself. Even more important, I now have a much better understanding of what I want in life. I’m happy to say that my faith has not been weakened by being vulnerable to human experiences, emotions and feelings.

What is your experience with grief and where are you on your own journey?

Dating As A Widow

How many times have you thought to yourself: I don’t want to “work” at a new relationship, I want it to be the fun part of my life.  And how many times has a nagging voice in your head chimed in, well, just live alone then, because there’s no such thing as a toil free relationship.

You will still argue and still have moments of total frustration.  Whether it’s a friend or another partner, relationships do require effort.  So be prepared before you get back into the dating game.
It’s hard to trust and get into another relationship where you may end up going through more emotional pain.  Maybe the relationship will be a second love, but then they get sick and you’re a widow again.  Or maybe the relationship will not work out and your trust is broken.  It takes time to become emotionally open to understanding that trust begins with your relationship with yourself and then flows out to others.
The typical widow wonders, “Can I find love again?”
When you lose your spouse you often re-examine what love really is.  You may feel unlovable and even be afraid that you will never be in love again.  This fear can be overwhelming when you really want to be in a relationship again.
Here it is - I’m going to talk about sex, that forbidden topic that no one wants to bring up. What do you think of when the word sex is mentioned? Most of us tend to be interested, but scared and we react emotionally. But the truth is that sex is over emphasized and glamorized by society as a whole.

The funny thing is that married couples think single people get all the action and are free to get all they want, anytime, anyplace – and single people think that married couples are the ones that are having all the fun.  In reality, a widow often finds the hassle of sexuality the most trying in starting up another relationship. Having a loving husband made having a sexual life easy and comfortable and just because our husbands are gone doesn’t mean our sexual needs go away.

Most widows are more or less terrified by the thought of dating again, especially if it’s been years and the dating rules have changed. They feel old, unattractive, unsure of themselves and fearful of the unknown. Also, no matter what our age we still hear our parents telling us to be good girls. At this stage we may even find our grown children telling us the same thing.  No wonder dating is confusing and uncertain when you are a widow.
I can’t give you any magic words of wisdom on this issue. Everyone has their own moral compass about what feels right to them. Take your time with a new relationship because dating too soon (and only you can judge that) may be nothing more than you trying to fill that emptiness in your heart. 
An important element in the rebuilding of your life is the process of learning to love yourself first.  As you love yourself you will attract others to you.   If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anybody else to love you?  Have faith in yourself because you are strong and loveable just as you are – this I know.
Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if it feels right because otherwise you may miss the chance to have another great guy in your life. On the other side it can be easy to get mixed up with the wrong guy, so listen to your heart and be careful but not fearful.

Are You A Widow That Can Change?

When it is necessary, the widow changes, accepting change is part of her grief process, not ignoring or battling it.  She can focus on balance and improvement without sacrificing her personal memories.

A smart widow knows that the age of the lone-wolf widow has passed.  She doesn’t have to do it all alone with a stiff upper lip.  She can depend on other widows or counselors and yet still be independent.

Widows need to constantly learn how to find their balance and make a new life for themselves.  That balance does not come easy and they must rid themselves of past regrets while still concentrating on the present.

A widow that can change knows that life is unfair, that problems arise, but she can take obstacles while still keeping her sense of humor.  She is grounded with the ability to perceive the positive side of things – recognizing the unfairness of life but never dwelling on it.

Armed with the right knowledge a widow can receive peace and love back into her life.  If you can see a happy future, you can make it happen.  Widows that accept change do more than read books and attend counseling – they take action.  To do this, they go with their own flow, possessing the sensitivity to know what they can accomplish, why they are here and what is realistic for them.