Cherish The Memories

Here is an great article from Dora Carpenter, CPC – Founder The ANIYA Group Life Coaching Center   www.doracarpenter.com

Cherish the Memories and Embrace the Future
What do you do when you can’t go back, can’t erase, can’t redo, and can’t change the past?  The death of a loved one leaves you with many thoughts of “if I could only.” 

 A difficult, yet vital, step in the grief process is acceptance; but, what does acceptance really mean?  Merely saying to someone to accept the loss may be perceived as “it’s a fact so get over it and get on with your life.”   Of course, the tasks of making funeral arrangements and attending memorial services forces you to accept the death, but how do you effectively move on to a life without someone you hoped to share the rest of your life with?

 The emotions of grief are normal and natural and you must go through to get through.  One of the tools I recommend that you include in your tool kit is a two-step process of cherishing the memories and embracing the future.  Although somewhat difficult, starting with gratitude is an effective step as you navigate this journey.  Don’t attempt to erase or forget the past, but instead cherish it with gratitude.
Times of bliss and times of challenge are all memories that will be with you forever.  As you cherish these memories, define a path for life going forward.  You must embrace the future.  This is necessary for moving forward and finding meaning and purpose in your ‘new’ life.

 Working in the death care industry for over 10 years has afforded me the opportunity to hear countless stories of unfulfilled hopes and dreams.  I challenge you to not leave your loved ones with such stories.  I encourage you to cherish the memories and embrace your future.

Hospice Sites

http://www.hospicefoundation.org/grief 
This site from the Hospice Foundation of America provides extensive information about the grieving process, including dozens of articles and useful information for anyone going through the grieving process.

http://www.chpca.net/news-and-events.aspxThis site is a great resource of press releases and other articles of interest on hospice palliative care in Canada.  Take your time and look over the articles of interest.

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What Is Your Truth?

It seems that we are constantly told untruths and need to filter everything we hear.  But let’s focus on ourselves instead of others – that’s where it really matters.

• What do you really stand for? 
• What will you compromise on?
• What will you not compromise on, no matter what the benefit?
• Who are you behind the “Mask” that you show the world – when no one is looking?

These are deep questions and we often move through our lives without ever addressing them.  We hide and tell ourselves untruths out of fear and doubt but it only prevents us from growing.

You are a wonderful and special person and that’s the truth.  I believe God does not create anything that isn’t beautiful and it’s the world that tells us untruths.

Dare to explore the truth about yourself, dare to step up and claim the life you were born to have and address the changes you need to make.  We need to keep ourselves above the gossip and trivialities of life as they distract us from our own truths.

You will eventually reach the mountain top and when you do you will see the world with a much clearer point of view.  You will see that it’s not the world that needs to change – the change has to start with your own truths.

Help Children Grieve

Remember that each of your children is unique and each has a unique relationship to the loss of their loved one.

Listen with your heart, not your head

Allow all emotions to be expressed, without judgment, criticism or analysis.

Recognize that grief is emotional, not intellectual.

Avoid the trap of asking your child what is wrong, for he or she will automatically say, “nothing”.

Adults – Go first.

Telling the truth about your own grief will make your child feel safe in opening up about his or her own feelings.

Be Patient.

Don’t force your child to talk.

Never say “Don’t feel sad” or “Don’t feel scared”

Sadness and fear, the two most common feelings attached to loss of any kind, are essential to being human.

For more information check out the book “When Children Grieve”  by John W. James and Russell Friedman.

Certified Grief Recovery Specialist

I finished my course and I’m now a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist

Five years ago if you had asked me if I would ever have gone into teaching a Grief  Recovery Method I would have said no.  I had worked full time for the same organization for over 34 years and the last thing I wanted was more change.

But here I am five years later moving into a completely new area of teaching and I’m ready. My own journey in grief and healing has had many bumps along the way, but now I’m more settled and content with my life than I ever thought possible when Donnie first died.

I’ve learned that grief is a unique relationship and that it’s normal and natural is grieve.  It’s also normal to realize that death has ended some of our hopes, dreams and expectations for the future.

We are told to let go and move on in life, but no one tells us how to accomplish that.  The Grief Recovery Method Outreach Program not only makes that possible, but also provides guidance to ensure it happens.

Please check your area to see if there are any Outreach Programs and if so take the time to check them out.  If you are in my area ( Saint John and Fredericton, N.B. Canada) I am doing two -10 week Outreach Programs starting in September.

For more information on locations and please email me at  mary@thesisterhoodofwidows.com

Low Energy Thoughts are Unhealthy

Looking back, how healthy were you when you were at the best point of your life?

The important thing to realize is that the quicker you avoid low energy thoughts and words, the healthier your physical body will be.  You are not the same person you were this time last year.  Physically your body replaces 95 to 98 percent of your cells annually.  Mentally you faced every day and grew in strength.

Your unconscious mind stores negative thoughts and your cells are listening.  It’s true that “like attracts like” and whatever you think and speak about will bring you more of the same.

We are all doing the best that we can but we may need to establish some new behaviors. One of the best things to change is our negative self-talk – it drags us down and won’t let us get up again.

Write down a replacement word for your low energy emotions.  So, “I’m feeling angry” might become “I’m aware of some strong emotions that I need to clear”.

If you have a daily journal write at the top  ”Great day!  Fantastic day!”   Think about it and see what happens.  I know it’s hard but when you are grieving you have to start somewhere.

Prescription For Good Health

With age and the inevitable loss of friends and relatives, we need to increase our efforts to make new friends.  So here is my prescription for good health:  ”Try to have a number of friends and be a good friend to others”.

As we age we may spend more time alone in our home.  This, of course only adds to our isolation and worsens our loneliness.  Do everything you can to keep up your present friendships and strike up new ones.  We flourish best when we interact meaningfully and emotionally with other people.

Try to maintain a nonjudgmental attitude towards the people and events around you.  Doing this prevents you from prematurely narrowing your interests and closing your mind to new things worth learning.  But be careful that being open doesn’t cause you to relinquish your moral and ethical principles.

Bottom line – good health means getting out of the house and spending time with others.  Friends bring out the best in life and it’s true that laughter is the best medicine.

Resources For Grieving Parents

Talking to a child about the loss of their loved one is the hardest thing you may ever have to do. It is normal to feel uneasy and anxious talking to your child about death.

We all want the best for our children but we should not avoid talking to them about an event that will forever impact their lives.

What you say will depend on the child’s age so use words that are understandable for their age group. The child already knows that something is going on so give them a private and comfortable place to ask you questions.

Below are some basic tips to remember:

• They need to know that their feelings are okay to voice.
• Above all else your child needs to feel loved.
• Reinforce that nothing they did, said or thought caused this to happen.
• Make they feel safe by letting them know that no one else is leaving them.

The Parents Trauma Resource Center is an excellent site for parents and caregivers.Parents Trauma Resource Center http://tlcinstitute.org/PTRCtrauma.html

I Don't Know What To Say

We all know someone who has lost a loved one or who has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness.  You think “What am I going to say?” or “How am I going to say it?”

The funny thing is that as soon as you hear their voice, your connection kicks in, and your conversation will flow as it always has.  You have a relationship, a past that includes memories, friends and shared experiences.

You will be so glad that you picked up the phone and just called.  It can be as easy as just saying “I’m sorry it took me so long to call, but I didn’t know what to say”.  That’s all you have to say because they will just be happy to hear from you.  Don’t be afraid that you won’t get it right – is there even a “right” way to say things!

My own experiences have led me to determine that they need someone to talk to, offers of assistance and sincere expressions of caring.  You can cook, shop, arrange for a girls day out, etc. to give them more time for healing.  Use your creativity to figure out what they need because sometimes words aren’t even necessary.  A look, a hug, a touch or just being there can say it all.

Your Time Defines You

I am more aware of time now that I am on my own.  Something about being a widow does that to you.

My soul tells me that I have a finite amount of time left, and that hangs over everything I do.  I’m more conscious and appreciative of my space and those that share it.

How you spend your time defines who you are and to waste your time is to waste yourself.  Don’t let yourself go to waste by letting the darkness of grief cast a shadow on the light that you need.

Give yourself time to just be the person you are meant to be.  That doesn’t mean that you are busy every minute of the day (that’s my biggest challenge).  Instead, it’s knowing how to use your time to breath and enjoy the journey.

You cannot give and give and give of yourself to others and not replenish yourself.   So here is the tough question – “If you have no life to live for yourself, then why are you here?”  You control what you do with your time, we all do.  Protect your time- you only have a limited amount of it.

Your Soul Checkup

Do you want to have more meaning in your life?  We are all spiritual beings and it’s that part of us that searches for meaning.

Ask yourself a spiritual question and then explore it’s answer.  Example: How do I make sense of my husband’s death and live with it?  Meditating, writing in your journal and prayer will help you gain clarity about your spiritual beliefs.

We all experience times of natural beauty, friendship, a quiet place of peace – revisit these memories and feel how they imprint on you.

Many of us grew up thinking of God as the all-powerful “Father”.  That is true but I’ve found the being a parent also has a lot to due with love and helping our children to grow. Reflecting on this has helped me to think about my own “soul” checkup and the freedom that comes from being loved has helped me to reconnect with my own truth.

Dating Tips for Widows

At Chick’s Night Out we widows talk about everything and the last couple of months dating has been a subject of interest.  For those who have lost a spouse and are looking forward to dating again, here are some tips to help you successfully start dating again.

There is no specific time period to wait before dating again
Grieving and the process of moving on is something that’s unique to each person. Whatever you do, don’t let others tell you you’re moving too fast or waiting too long. Make sure it’s something you’re really ready to try before taking that step. There will always be someone who will not understand why you’ve chosen to date again – their opinions do not matter.

Dating for the right reasons
Take some time to understand why you want to date.  If you’re dating because you think it’s going to somehow fill the void or heal the pain that comes from losing a spouse, it’s not going to happen. Dating does give you the chance to experience the joy that comes with falling in love again but it has be right for you.

Feeling guilty 
The first time you go out with another man you may feel like you are cheating on your late husband. You may even look around to see if there is anyone you know, as if you are doing something wrong. That feeling of guilt should lessen after you have gone on several dates. But if the guilt’s not subsiding, you may not be ready to date again. Give dating a break and try it later when you are more up to the task.

It’s okay to talk about the deceased spouse—just don’t overdo it
It’s okay to talk about the spouse when you’re first dating someone. Answer questions he may have about your marriage, but don’t spend all your time talking about the past. Showing a genuine interest in your date and his interests shows you’re ready to start a new life.

It’s okay to make mistakes
If you find yourself forgetting simple dating etiquette, don’t worry about it. Most dates will understand if they know it has been awhile since you dated.

Take things slow
We miss the kisses, having someone’s head resting on our shoulder and the warm body next to us in bed. This lack of physical and emotional intimacy is enough to drive us to the dating scene. We want that warm body next to ours and to have the words “I love you” whispered in our ears. But it can save you a lot of emotional heartache if you wait to make sure and take it slow.

Make your date feel special
It’s a basic dating rule, but it’s often forgotten by widows and widowers. Because we already had someone special in our lives, it’s easy to forget to make our date feel special too.  Even though dating can be awkward and difficult at times, it can also be a lot of fun. Part of the reason we’re here is to enjoy life and dating is a great way to start living again.

Newsletter - Our Shared Journey

I called this newsletter “A Shared Journey” because I believe that by sharing our stories as widows we help each other to grieve and heal.  I hope that the newsletter’s ideas, tips and advice will help you in your own journey and that it becomes part of your healing.

“A Shared Journey” – this free monthly newsletter is for you if:

• You have lost a parent, spouse, child or cherished friend.
• You want tips and advice from different professionals on your emotional journey.
• Your interested in getting a good book review for a positive move forward read.
• You would like to have a new quote to follow for the month.
• You feel that there will be some ideas that you would like to come back to.
• You are in the midst of grief and need some positive advice and tips.
• Your looking  for positive material to avoid falling into a deep depression.
• You want to keep updated on what is going on with my book and publications.
• Your interested in knowing the dates and locations where I’ll be speaking.
• Your an organization or professional that deals with people who are grieving and you want more information to help them.

 Sign up now for  “A Shared Journey”  Our FREE  Monthly Newsletter.     Each new subscriber will receive three gifts, so get the support and encouragement you need by signing up today.

Personal Memories

Over the last few years I have reached out to help others and in doing so I have found my own healing.

Many people are getting to know me through my blogs and newsletter.  I am blessed to have gained some new friends and support because of “The Sisterhood of Widows”.

I want to share some personal family pictures so that you can visually see my life’s journey as well as reading about it.

Below is a link to my personal website and it’s “memory page” full of personal family pictures.   http://themaryfrancis.com/memories/

I know in my heart that we will continue to  grow closer as we travel this journey together.

How To Find Your Health to Heal

Finding help can be one of the most unsettling aspects of your grief journey.

• When should I get help?
• Whom should I call: a psychologist, social worker, counselor or clergy?
• Where should I look?
• How can I decide?

These are all good questions.  The fact that help can be varied and is offered by so many different professionals makes it difficult to decide what to do.

Group therapy or support groups can be very helpful in reducing your sense of being the only one coping with the lost of a loved one.  You can learn invaluable strategies from other people who have been in the same situation.

Whatever type of professional you choose, you should feel comfortable that this person is well trained and experienced.

In terms of cost, psychiatrists tend to be the most expensive and mental health coverage has always been more restrictive than the coverage for medical treatment of any other illness.

Be sure to check with your insurance company to see what kind of treatment is and is not covered before you make any decision about treatment.  Medication may be part of your treatment and that means you will need to see a psychologist or social worker.

You should not feel that any decision is irrevocable and if possible have a consultation meeting with any new therapist to discuss the problem and see if you feel comfortable talking with him or her.

As you search for the appropriate treatment, realize that you may have to devote some time before you find what you are looking for.  In North America, we are fortunate to have a number of excellent information centers, and advocacy groups dedicated to understanding and treating grief.

Below is a link to my resource page and remember that the more information you have the better able you will be to problem-solve and get the help you need.

http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/grief-resources/

Grief Recovery Method Guide for Loss

I recently became a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and I want to offer everyone a copy of their free e-book. 

“The Grief Recovery Method Guide for Loss” has 61 tips on the experience of Grief and how to help people through it. Below are the sections within the e-book:

• What is Grief?
• Typical responses associated with Grief.
• How do I know if I, or someone I know, is incomplete with a loss?
• The impact of unresolved Grief in society.
• Most common misinformation on the topic of Grief.
• Common complaints expressed by Grievers.
• Helpful things to say to someone grieving a loss.
• Recovery Method

FREE e-book, The Grief Recovery Method® Guide For Loss.

Grief Recovery Method Guide for Loss

What Are You Hungry For?

After years of watching my weight go up and down, I think I’ve figured out what the hunger is about.

It’s about missing my old life – it’s about walking around hungry for an elusive something, and missing that very thing that could fill my need.

I know this sounds odd, but I’ve found that I can fill my hunger by “showing up” and being present in my life.  When I take the time to enjoy my life, I feel that all of me is living, instead of my mind being off in several different directions at the same time.

Every day, we open our eyes, get out of bed, eat breakfast, brush our teeth and start the day.  And most of the time our minds are somewhere, anywhere but where we are.  We spend our lives, every day and every minute, thinking about what we already did or are going to do and we completely miss what we are doing.

This lack of attention gave me a tremendous spiritual hunger that I couldn’t quite put a name to.  I fooled myself into thinking that it was something I didn’t yet do, while it was right there in front of me.  I kept on thinking that the next big thing – the job, the car, the perfect pair of shoes, the fancy meal out – and I would be filled and contented.

Over and over I found that filling the hunger isn’t about acquiring more things, looking at the past or the future; it’s about noticing what I already have and the person I have already become.

So if eating and shopping and planning will not fill my hunger, how can I be present in my life as it is, and let it fill my needs?  Good question, I say.  And it is.

So, what I do know is that what feeds my hunger will not necessarily feed yours.  So I can not answer these questions for you because only you can seek out what will fill your needs.

For me I’ve found that my hunger does not overcome me when I spend time doing the things I enjoy doing and sharing my precious moments with people that feed my spirit of fun and enjoyment.  Negative people have a way of robbing me of my balance and starving me. I’ve learned that the more time I spend with positive people the more fulfilled I am and I don’t feel hungry; mentally, physically or spiritually.

What Will Your Legacy Be?

When I come across some snippet of information that interests me I copy or cut it out and stick it in a folder where it resides – a reminder of something that I might want to remember in the future. Every so often I rummage through the file folder just to see what is there.

Today I found an interesting article that asked “What will your legacy be?” and it got me thinking.   I started thinking about my everyday life, how I was going to live it and how I was going to contribute to the lives of others.

“What is your legacy going to be?”  What an awesome question!  I think the question asks what actions are we going to take to set a lasting example for our friends and family and what do we leave behind for others who follow?

Consider for a moment what you would like your legacy to be.  Then realize every decision we make, every thing we say, every action we take affects our legacy.

Sometimes those decisions are based on short-term necessity when dealing with the pressure of the moment, but it is wise to stop and take a deep breath before making decisions and consider for a moment that question, “What will your legacy be?”

Journals Help Us Heal

Keep a journal to help you focus on what works for you and helps you take control of the thoughts that keep you from seeing the beauty in yourself.

I am a strong advocate for widows to be the best that they can be.  Self-praise and pride comes from the way you speak, how you stand and how you look at the world.

Thoughts are powerful things.  A journal helps you focus your thoughts on improved self-image and to gain confidence in yourself.

Use the journal once a day, once a month or for the rest of your life – it’s up to you.  The only difference between being just okay or being the best you can be is taking positive action.

Just keep this one thought in mind:  the first person you have to please is yourself.

Thoughtless Comments To People Grieving

Below are some comments made to those that have lost a loved one – let me know if they sound familiar to you:

• You can get married again.                   (I can’t just replace him like a pet fish.)
• Get back to work so you can forget.   (Really!  It’s that easy?)
• At least he lived a long, full life.            (By whose count?)
• I know what you’re going through.     (No you don’t!)
• Had you been arguing?        (Of course, all husbands kill themselves after they argue)
• Didn’t you see the signs?    (What signs? Where is it written that there are signs?)
• Did he leave a note?            (Why, do you want to read it?)
• How are you financially?      (Are you curious about the insurance?)
• You’re doing great!             (Except for behind closed doors!)
• At least he’s not suffering anymore.     (Why did he have to suffer at all?)
• The kids are young and won’t remember him. (Was that suppose to be of comfort?)
• Luckily there is no stigma about suicide these days.  (Yes, aren’t we lucky?)

I’m sure that everyone can add to this list.  Why is it so hard for people to just be there?   A little quiet support goes a long way and is often all that’s needed.

How Do We Wrestle With Grief?

When you lose a loved one grief is the unwanted visitor that comes knocking at our door.

How we wrestle with grief and ultimately push ahead to a new life, varies with each of us.  Many of us need help to bounce back and if we don’t get that help our mental and physical health may buckle under the stress.

Finding support can be the key to a person’s recovery and acceptance of the loss, says the American Cancer Society.  Support can come from friends, physicians, spiritual leaders or mental health professionals.  There is no one easy solution or answer to our personal grief.

Grief can last from several months to several years and can come with feelings of guilt, sadness or numbness.  It might cause trembling, breathing difficulties, sleeplessness, weight loss or gain and may even bring a widow so much mental pain and confusion that it ultimately robs her of her own life.

Grief is as much of a health issue as some infectious diseases.  Dr. Toni Miles, Director at the Gerontology Institute at the University of Georgia says that in their survey, they found that newly bereaved persons are more likely to be hospitalized during the year after the death of their loved one.

Try to wrestle with your grief in your own way, but if you sense that you are unable to deal with your grief, and even close friends and family can’t help, then it’s time to seek outside help.

One thing I have found is that I have the freedom to react or not to what others say and do.  I am in control of my own feelings and I have the freedom to do whatever I want with my life.  Sometimes, others look at widows and judge their actions – it’s too soon or it’s time to move on.  I enjoy time with other widows because they understand that the pain may not be showing on the surface but it’s still there.

Other widows understand how we wrestle with the decisions to move forward – dating or not, travelling or not, when to retire, where to live – these are all decisions that look like they don’t bother us, but they are decisions that we all wrestle with.  Others look at us and judge if we start dating or heaven forbid have a sexual relationship with another man, but there is a lot of emotions that we work through to arrive at that point even though it looks like it’s all smiles and that our grief has passed.

How do we wrestle with grief?  One day at a time – some good and some not, but always moving forward so that our grief does not hold us down long enough for depression to crawl into our lives.

Grief Poem by Stuart & Linda MacFarlane

One step at a time,

One breath at a time,

One day at a time,

Be gentle with yourself,

Give yourself time.

Poem by Stuart & Linda MacFarlane

Life Goes On - So Enjoy It

The human spirit can survive pain, loss, death and taxes and life goes on… and on.

My encouraging words to all those that I meet is to develop a sense of humor to carry you through the hard days.  Without one, you are doomed to despair but with one you can survive.

You need to free up your sense of joy so it can pull you through the rough days when nothing else is working for you.  MAKE yourself look for joyful things.

Get yourself a “Joy box” (shoe box will do) and start today to collect things that are fun, cute and inspiring.  A really funny movie, a cute saying, a funny quote, pictures of fun times with friends and more.  They will help you to enjoy that you are here and that you are physically and mentally able to soak up life’s small gems of fun.

We have all fallen into the black pit of grief but we have earned the right to enjoy- the right back into living again.  This isn’t for your job, your friends or your family – this is strictly your time.  I know that at first these are just words and there is no way that you can see any joy in your future, a future totally different than you had planned with your loved one but time softens the pain and life goes on.

End Of Life Discussions

When Donnie and I  found out he was sick, we didn’t relate that to being terminal and so we never talked about end of life issues.

Donnie never raised the subject and I didn’t want to upset him talking about wills, funerals, insurance etc.  Years later I think back and the truth is that I really didn’t want to face his death.  I should have said “I need to know what your wishes are” and I should have talked to him about my feelings, love and fears.  All the other issues on practice matters would have naturally followed.

Discussions about loving and dying don’t have to be long.  Long discussions may be hard to take in and sometimes information must be exchanged gradually so that both of you can handle the stress.

By carefully choosing the time to express your fears, you will be able to let go of your fears a little at a time.  Don’t be afraid that they will begin to cry and you won’t know what to do. Tears don’t have to be fixed or stopped because they are a natural way to deal with stress.

Tell them how blessed you are to have them in your life and to reach this point of acceptance of death and also appreciation of the life you have shared.

Recognize Your Value

When Donnie died I was at the lowest point of my life and I didn’t value my future.  I certainly couldn’t see any value I had to give as the children were grown and no longer needed me.

Many times in our lives we are forced to our knees by circumstances that come our way.  We may feel as though we are worthless and insignificant in our own eyes but no matter what has happened or what will happen, we never lose our value as human beings.

Nothing can take our value away – Never forget that.

Four Promises of Forgiveness by Ken Sande

Nothing in this world is more stressful then the death of a loved one.  At this time emotions are running high and things that may not have bothered us instead become a major point of disagreement.

Yes people say things that are hurtful or thoughtless but they just don’t understand how sensitive and emotional unbalanced we are.  In return we may say things that we would never have said if we weren’t in so much pain.

I’m passing on “The Four Promises of Forgiveness” by Ken Sande, the Peacemaker

1.  I will no longer dwell on this incident.

2.  I will not bring up this incident again or use it against you.

3.  I will not talk to others about this incident.

4.  I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.

Forgiveness is a two way street and I know that to not forgive is not move forward.  In the end it doesn’t really matter who is right and who is wrong because forgiveness is a gift you give yourself .  It will emotionally free you from more disappointment and pain so you can focus on healing.

Love Me Now...

People come to the funerals of those they haven’t seen or spoken to in years.  Why is that when the person would have enjoyed friendship during their healthy days and appreciated their visits even more when they were sick?

Better to have spent an afternoon with them when they were ill and unable to get out.

Better to have sat with them in silence, holding their hand with care.

Better to have visited when you could share their memories with them.

Better to give the caregiver a much needed break and show both of them that you care.

Please visit your friends and loved ones – do it now and you won’t have any regrets.  You may even walk away from the visit feeling positive about life because there is something special that happens when we put the needs of others before our own.

Unresolved Grief

Unresolved grief can leave us feeling angry and guilt-ridden which in turn can jeopardize our mental, physical and spiritual health.

Grief is behind much of the nation’s obesity, depression, diabetes, smoking and hospitalization.  According to the American Cancer Society, it’s important for anyone suffering from unresolved grief to gain support from family and friends in order to come to terms with their loss.

A 2004 study on family perspectives on dying found that people often don’t get enough support – according to the study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds and widows who don’t accept their grief can become angry, guilt-ridden and fail to care of their health.  Of course this isn’t what a widow wants but grief can slip into depression and it happens without a widow realizing just how much her health is affected.

For more information go to:    http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/health-for-widows/

Grief Wounds

When I meet a recent widow and see her deep emotional and spiritual wounds I want to immediately ease her pain.

But I’ve learned that my role is not to fix the wounds caused by grief, but to support her in a way that promotes and nurtures healing from within.

Some emotional wounds, like physical wounds, need to heal with time.  Initially the wound is very inflamed but as months and years go by new growth heals over the wound.

Grief is a deep wound that affects a person’s total being, the emotional, spiritual, social and physical being.  While in pain we may ask “why” and we may even be shocked at the depth of our anger.

Like a physical wound, grief can be raw, inflamed and painful.  Grieving people require rest to support the healing process.  They are often overwhelmed and lost with low energy and fatigue.

Grief wounds can be made more painful by comments made by others.  According to one study, a person can expect to hear approximately 121 phrases in the three days following a death, of which only 19 are perceived as helpful by grievers.

Grief wounds may be invincible to others but they are just as real and painful as a physical wound.  They should not be discounted as grief can be a contributing factor to the high death rate of a widow/widower during the year following a spouse’s death.

We live in a society where we often lack compassion or understanding of emotional scars.  Comments such as “It’s been two years, when will you move on” do not honour the person’s experience of grief.

A person may be doing just fine, and all of a sudden be “bumped” by a memory, an anniversary, or by another loss and the pain raises up to overtake them.  It is then that the phrase, “grief never ends” becomes very real.

Grief wounds cannot “be fixed”, “solved”, or “healed” by others.  Our role is to support, nurture and educate so that they can heal from within.

Grief Is Messy

There is no way around it, grief is messy – we cry, we are angry, we don’t want to socialize and we are quite simply unhappy.

That is grief and it doesn’t fit into a nice, tidy time frame.  It doesn’t play fair and it’s not the same for everyone.

So why does society want it wrapped up and dealt with so fast?  Is it because grief makes them uncomfortable or because it brings them face to face with just how short and unfair life can be.

It doesn’t matter how others feel about it – grief is messy and that’s the way it is.  We shouldn’t try to change a normal reaction to the loss of a loved one into something that is easy and tidy.

Let grief be what it is and let it have it’s time.