Law of Attraction and Michael Losier

     I just came from the Law of Attraction Seminar by Michael Losier.  I would recommend that you get his books if you are in any way interested in attracting more positive things into your life.

     Michael has many good tools to use but the one that sticks in my mind the most is the “Don’t, Not and No” rule.  Eliminate these three words out of your vocabulary because they are attracting the negative into your life.

    Instead of thinking about what you “Don’t” want, think about what you do want.  The Law of Attraction is that you will get what you think about so watch your words and be positive.

Are You Writing Notes Of Gratitude?

Every week we receive e-mails, text messages and lots of junk mail but rarely do we get a handwritten note.  Feeling appreciated is one of the strongest of human desires and it’s so easy to do.

There is warmth to a personal handwritten note that makes the receiver feel valued.  In this day and age it is rarer and therefore more special plus a handwritten note only cost about a dollar and yet it is priceless.

Take the time to handwrite a note of gratitude to family members, a friend or someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time.  Taking a few minutes will show them that you care and they will appreciate the rarity of it.

We need to get back in touch with some good old fashion thoughtfulness.  How many emails have you sent in the past week?  More to the point, when was the last time you handwrote a note of gratitude?  Someone needs to hear from you and your note will be keep and reread over and over again.   Do it today and you will be surprised at how good it makes you feel!

Are Widow and Their Money Soon Parted?

Most of us know by now that money doesn’t bring happiness but the truth is that the lack of money can bring plenty of pain.

I’m not talking about money to buy a fancy car or a vacation home or taking a trip to Hawaii.  I’m talking about having the freedom to make decisions that will give you a good quality of life.  If you’re living without financial reserves you can’t control life when the unexpected happens.

Here are a couple of interesting facts:

·         80% of widows now living in poverty were not poor before their husbands died.

·         The average age for a woman to be widowed in the US is age 55 as per US Bureaus of Census 2000

When your husband dies your life goes from secure to chaos and a lack of funds will change your future.  You may have to make decisions about downsizing, going back to work, investments plus much more.

Don’t let anyone rush you into making decisions you are not sure of.  Your mind isn’t thinking clearly for investment decisions so you should have a professional go to the meetings with you.  There will be all kinds of well-meaning people with advice on what you should do with that insurance money, but dig in and learn as much as possible before you pass your life over to someone else.

As a widow we didn’t plan to be here and we wish we weren’t.  But we need to take charge of our finances or we will be in big trouble down the road.  Don’t take for granted that it will all work out on its own and most importantly don’t depend on others without first taking the time to check it out for yourself.

Scramble Therapy by Leil Lowndes

Leil Lowndes is the author of several books and she talks about “scramble therapy”.  It is quite simply scrambling up your life and trying different activities that you would never think of participating in.

Just one weekend of each month do something totally out of your normal routine.  If you usually walk than go bowling.  If you bowl than go bird-watching.  Oh, you’re a bird-watch, than forget it and go fly a kite for the afternoon. 

Why take yourself out of your comfort zone?  Because of the person you will become from doing it.  Just by doing a different activity, even once, you will be 80 percent more of a conversationalist, you will meet new friends and most importantly you will break out of your cocoon and become a social butterfly.  As you learn new things you will find it so much easier talking to others.  As they talk about their interests you will be able to relate to them because you have tried it.

The list of activities is endless ranging from mild to the extreme.

• Tennis
• Hiking
• White-water rafting
• Go to a stamp exhibition
• Take a chess lesson
• Go ballooning
• Spend the day at the library
• Go kayaking
• Go to the pool hall for a few games
• Visit your local art gallery
• Go see a live play

Do you get the idea – it’s not what you do that matters, but that it has to be something you don’t normally do.  If your uncomfortable doing it on your own find a friend and try something new once a month. 

It doesn’t always have to cost money or be a big deal.  Use your imagination and also find things going on in your neighborhood that you have never taken part in.  It will make you feel alive because there is something powerful about learning and doing new things.  Have some fun with it!

Do you feel guilty and is it holding you back?

   It’s normal to feel some guilt because a sense of guilt is helpful in making decisions and deterring you from doing harm to either yourself or others.

The perfect balance of just enough guilt helps us to maintain a balanced life.  Unfortunately, many widows experience so much guilt that they are unable to do positive things and bring happiness into their lives.

Guilt can be deeply ingrained in our personality and can be difficult to overcome.  When we feel guilty we may even seek to punish ourselves to relieve the guilt by setting ourselves up to be unhappy.

   

Feeling guilty because you did not live up to some standard of behavior that you set for yourself is not productive.  Give yourself a break and accept your own humanness.  We often set higher standards for ourselves than we would ever expect from others.

The past is just that the past and you have to start focusing on the present and how you can take positive steps to minimize your feelings of guilt.  Let the crisis of becoming a widow motivate you to work on something you enjoy doing. 

Guilt is closely tied to your feelings of self-worth and self-love.  As you build up your worth in your own eyes you will be less inclined to be held back by guilt from the past.

Widows- How Are you Doing?

Checklist – How Are You Doing?

Please answer these questions honestly and consider how far you have come in your grief journey:

·        I have given myself permission to grieve when I need to.

·        I am expressing my grief and not burying it inside me.

·        I have more physical and emotional energy than I did at the start.

·        I am not as depressed and I can concentrate.

·        I no longer feel like crying most of the time.

·        I can control my emotional moods.

·        I can sleep all night without taking any sleep aids.

·        My appetite is back to normal and my weight has stabilized.

·        I no longer go mindlessly through my day.

·        I have outgrown the feeling that I am losing my mind.

·        I am beginning to be more sociable.

·        I feel emotionally alive rather than emotionally dead.

·        I understand the grief process and the stages of grief.

·        I know that I need to grieve and I'm comfortable talking about my feelings.

You need to work through your grief and I hope that you were able to check off some items on the above list.  Remember it is a journey and it does take time.

A guide to help your grief journey.

   Take a close look at the emotions listed and understand that you may feel some or all of them.  These are all normal and healthy symptoms of the grief process and should be acknowledged.

• Sadness – You may feel such a deep sadness that you never want to laugh again.

• Confusion – You feel like you are losing your mind but confusion, memory loss and the inability to concentrate are caused by stress and are usually temporary.

• Anger – It’s common to be angry with others and even with the person who has died.  It may be because the death was also the end of your dreams and future as you knew it.

• Relief – If there was a long illness, you are probably mentally and physically worn out.  You are relieved it is finally over and they are no longer suffering.  This is quite normal and there is nothing to feel guilty about.

• Loneliness – You may have the sudden “empty nest” experience and find evenings and weekends especially difficult.
• The death of a child is an impossible grief because parents expect to outlive their children. Children are supposed to live and keep the adventure of life alive for their parents.  There is no real solution to the pain of a lost child because parents will always have that pain of loss. Parents need to be aware of the stages of grief and try to prepare themselves for the emotional journey that they have ahead of them.

Part Twelve - Widows and Self-Care

This is the last part so I’m going to just highlight a couple of important points.

 

There are many different ways to use your journal.  Write your past, present and future vision.  Write about your thoughts, dreams, feelings and relationships to others.  Another way is to write letters addressed to yourself in your journal – say whatever comes to mind and write without holding back.

Ask your inner self all the questions you want answers to. Take time to let your mind and spirit reflex on your question.  And then write the answers that your inner self has given you. There is no right or wrong here – it’s just you and your journal.

Another way of connecting with your feelings is to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up.  It’s amazing what answers or thoughts will come to you as you sleep.  Keep a paper and pen beside your bed because if you don’t write it down at once you will forget it.  Your dreams may provide you with important insights into what is going on in your life.

You need to listen to your inner voice and take action.  Call the person that you just thought of, follow up on a piece of information you received and always stay open to what you’re feeling.

You’re now on a path to extreme self-care and beginning to take good care of yourself.   Just one last reminder – start being selfish and listen to your inner self.

Part Eleven - Widows and Self-Care

Our culture values thinking with our heads based on our experiences, knowledge and education.  But to honor our self-care we have to get in touch with our feelings.  Maybe the most sensible way of doing things is not in your best interest because it follows the priorities of others instead of what you feel like doing.

Your stress and anxiety increases as you put up with stuff so that everyone else is happy.  You need to listen to your soul, your inner voice that tells you that if it doesn’t feel right don’t do it.  The more you live by head knowledge and distance yourself from your feelings the more numb you will end up feeling.

You will seem disconnected because you are not emotional available. Life is hard and sometimes things are happening around us so fast that we can’t stop to feel and so we tend to act impulsively.

When you have to make a decision stop, relax and notice how you feel:

• Is it something you really want to do?
• Do you feel tense?
• Are you rushing so you don’t have to stop and feel?
• Or are you going too slow and not making any decisions out of fear?

Life is far richer when you stop to feel with your heart and not just with your head.  You have an inner voice that will guide you to make decisions that are right for you.  This inner voice has more wisdom than we are aware of because it is connected to our spiritual soul.

I encourage you to open up this line of communication between how you feel and your heart and your head knowledge.  Please pay attention to your feelings and your inner voice.

Part Ten - Widows and Self-Care

It is a lot easier to share with others when you have lots but as a widow you may be low on finances and energy. Instead of holding back this is the time to reach out to others who are less fortunate than you are.

Being of service and offering your support to those in need will remind you of how fortunate you are and how we all need each other. Of course life isn’t the way you had planned but when you are out and about it will soon dawn on you that life is seldom the way any of us plans for it be.

You can share your time, knowledge or money and have lots of fun doing it. Remember a time when someone was there for you and how much you appreciated it.

• When you reach out to help others how does it make you feel?
• What do you have to contribute and it doesn’t have to be money?
• Reflect on some of the ways you can have a more balanced life.
• Everyone has a different vision - how would a balanced life look to you?
• What do you want more of, and what needs to go?

It’s time to write your vision of the future based on a complete, balanced and full life. This vision may sound like a fantasy because you are still trying to get rebalanced but first you have to have a vision before you can make it a reality.

Part Nine - Widows and Self-Care

For some a spiritual life is a religious role within a church community and for others it is a sense of peace that comes from spending time in nature, meditation or different spiritual practices.

“Spiritual well-being” means different things to different people but there is no denying that most people want to feel connected to a Divine presence in some way.

No matter how you choose to honor your spiritual life, you’ll find inner peace by doing so.  Take time to think about this side of your life as it’s another part to your emotional health.

Start by creating a space in your home that you can spend time relaxing and enjoying some peace and tranquility.  Transform the space by painting it your favorite soft colors and filling it with things that touch you deeply.  When in this space focus on your spiritual life as you want it to be and not as you think others want it to be.

 

• Think about when you last felt peaceful and relaxed.
• At that time where were you and what were you doing?
• What shape is your spiritual life in? 
• How has it changed in the last few years?
• What does a “spiritual life” mean to you?

This is the most personal and intense part of your self-care.  It is not hinged on anyone or anything but your own feelings and choices.  This is where faith comes in or not and only you can tell because it’s your journey.

Part Eight - Widows and Self-Care

Most widows struggle to experience even a little fun and adventure in their lives.  Fun is a necessary part of self-care and has a positive impact on your health and well-being.

Building fun into your life on a regular basis will help you to take life less seriously.  There are still lots of memories to be made and it doesn’t have to always cost a lot of money.

A good knee slapping laugh with friends as you go for a walk together, playing with your grandchildren and having a new adventure, these will all add years to your own life.

I’m here to remind you that having fun is just as important as working a job or looking after your loved ones.

• What have you done for fun lately?
• If you could do anything, what would you do?
• Do you think that spending money on fun is an “OK” expense?
• Have you turned down a chance to play with family and friends?  Why?
• Were you brought up to think that fun wasn’t a valuable use of your time?

Write about having fun in your journal because it may be time for you to have some exciting new adventures.  When you are ready to move from grief to healing remember that laughter lines are what you should be striving for at this time of your life. 

Part Seven - Widows and Self-Care

You need to share your life with people who care about you because relationships are an important part of your self-care.  They shape who you are and add meaning to your life.

We all need to belong, be part of a community and feel like we add value to others.  When we are grieving, it’s too easy to take for granted that people will understand.  But everyone has their limits and putting a relationship on hold for too long, especially if you do it over and over again, may take a toll and eventually it may damage the relationship.

If you have been guilty of this don’t worry – it’s never too late to rebuild a relationship that has been suffering from neglect. A strong relationship (family and friends) will enrich your life and provide you with a sense of security. You may not realize it but when relationships weaken they will wear you down and cost you more emotional energy then you can afford.

• Are there relationships that you have been taking for granted?
• Are there family and friends that need your time and attention? 
• On the other side are there some relationships that are draining you?
• Who empowers you and makes you feel good about yourself?
• Stop and reexamine the relationships in your life.

Write in your journal the names of the people in your life and where they fit in your current lifestyle.  

Part Six - Widows and Self-Care

It’s easy not to pay attention to our emotional and physical health when we are grieving until there is a problem and then it’s too late.

We need to take care of ourselves because consistent stress will make us sick.  It’s not until a diagnosis of illness that we start paying attention to our own health.  This is especially true for a widow that has been a long term caregiver to her late husband.

You need to reevaluate your priorities and your decisions may upset some people but more importantly you will gain your life back. Because of your husband’s death you know how life can change in an instant.  And yet we don’t eat properly when we are upset, we skip exercise and use alcohol to help us get through the day.  This just adds to our stress and it becomes a vicious cycle.

You have to care for your body and have good health to do all that you want to do.  If we get sick, it is often a sign of just how much off balance we are.

 

Please make your health a priority before illness happens.  For self-care there is one simple change you can do in this area and that’s write in your journal.  Ask yourself these questions:

• How does my mental health (stress, depression, anger) rate from one to ten?
• Do I feel emotionally secure?
• Would it help me to see a therapist?
• What am I doing for my physical and mental well being?
• What am I doing when I feel the most relaxed?  Can I do this more often?
• What is in my life that is causing stress and can be changed?

Your emotional and physical health is everything.  You know this more than anyone else so stop and take control by writing your thoughts in your journal. As you write think about the fact that this is your life your writing about – not someone else that you have no control over.

You have spent so much time on others that you don’t realize just how strong and powerful you are.  You have so much value – step up and claim it.

Part Five - Widows and Self-Care

You have written your life story up to this point in time.  Now, you need to take a closer look at how you are living your life at this present moment.

Life is made up of many parts and no one part is more or less important than another.  The key to a balanced life is giving your attention to every part (emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationships, work time, leisure time) because they are all parts of the whole.

You need to naturally spend your time and energy on all parts so you will be less vulnerable when changes occur in one area or another.  Take an honest assessment of your present life and see where you are out of balance.  Awareness has to come first before you can see your way to making any changes that are needed.

Now, let’s look at your life.  Take out your journal and ask yourself these questions:

• Where might my life need more attention?
• What do I spend my time doing?
• Why am I neglecting parts of my life or putting them on hold?
• Do I wish that I could dedicate more time to my health or to having more fun?
• Am I spending enough time with family and friends?
• What would I like to learn or do that I could start doing this month?

Don’t be surprised if you feel a sense of loss when you stop to look at how you have been living your life, assuming it’s not the way you want it to be.  Some things we just can’t change but those things that we can change we should have the courage to do so.

Write about how you feel and notice the areas that you want to change.  Feel the conflict between your comfort zone and fear of change.  Write about this awareness in your journal.

Part Four – Widows and Self-Care

Ok – Now it gets a little bit harder.  I want you to take your journal out and write your life story.  This is a very powerful exercise of learning who you are as a person and where you came from.

Writing the details of your life will help you understand that the choices you’ve made have brought you to this point in your life.

Don’t let this idea overwhelm you because you can just do it in bullet-list form if you want.  Start by breaking down the events that most affected you and then go back and fill in between these events.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What were your most vibrate memories – good and bad?
• When did you feel the most loved, angry, betrayed etc,?
• When did your choices change the path of your life?
• Are there certain people that affected your life and how?

Take your time doing this in as much detail as possible because the actual process will deepen the connection you have with yourself.  You will start to have compassion for all that you have been through and you will appreciate your inner strength.

The events and details are different for each of us but we all have the underlying need for more self-care. When you are finished, step back and ask yourself - What did I discover while writing the story of my life? 

Part Three - Widows and Self-Care

The very first thing I want you to do is get yourself a journal or notebook.  Make sure that you love its size, color and design so that you will feel comfortable putting your most precious thoughts in it.  Pick one that gives you lots of space to write and that is easy to carry around.

Keeping a journal will start you on a journey of self-reflection.  You will write out your feelings – angry, lonely, and unhappy with the way things turned out.  You will find comfort in putting your thoughts in writing and please don’t be a critic of your writing skills.

Don’t listen to your inner critic telling you what you should or shouldn’t write.  Just start writing and don’t stop.  Put all your focus on filling out the page and before you know it you will be on the second and third page.  Lose yourself in the experience and you will soon uncover thoughts and feelings that you were not even aware of.

 

Don’t worry about writing long passages every day, if you are really busy just write a paragraph or two about your day. The important thing is that you develop the habit of extreme self-care by taking the time to journal every day.

Later on your journal will give you a chance to look back over this period of your life and see how you have healed.  Your journal will become filled with your life – the pain, the laughter, the significant events , the searching questions of why life is the way it is and most importantly how it all came together to make you the person you are today.

Part Two - Widows and Self-Care

This may sound completely opposite to what you have always heard but I think self-care begins with learning to be selfish.  The word “selfish” has a negative feel to it but when you put yourself first you will have extra energy to be there for the people in your life.

Initially, you may feel uncomfortable with being selfish.  You might feel guilty, uncaring, unspiritual or even worried about what others think.  You need to tell your family and friends that you’ve decided to take care of your “self” first.  Some people in your life may not understand, they figure you can be there 24/7 because you don’t have anyone at home.

But remember your life has to have value and let them know that you’ll end up becoming a better mother, grandmother and friend.  Over time, they will realize that self-care is actually the greatest gift you can give them because it will restore your energy and joy of life.

Self-care begins with becoming familiar with your needs and getting to know yourself.  Over the next few days I am going to outline some action steps to help you be “selfish” and they will in turn set in motion opportunities for you to be happy and contented.

Part One - Widows and Self-Care

For the next two weeks I’m going to do a series of articles on self-care just for Widows.

 

My focus is to help you put your self-care above anything else – to say no when necessary , to choose to spend your time and energy on things that bring you joy and to make decisions on what you want instead of what others expect from you.  As women this is a challenging goal but as widows it’s more than a goal, it is a necessary part of your journey.

Self-care may seem selfish and maybe even offensive at first. Yet, as you start to care for yourself in a more positive mindset you will discover that a Divine force will support you and your life will start to lighten up.  None of us can travel this grief journey on our own. We need our friends, family and of course all the spiritually help we can get.

When you are committed to taking extremely good care of yourself, you are saying that you have value.  I believe that God helps us in spite of our fears and discomfort but only if we are willing to make the choice to honor ourselves.  So over the next two weeks let’s shake up our lives and start self-care.