Mother's Day As A Widow

Mother’s Day is a perfect time for our children to stop and acknowledge us as mothers.  My son and daughter both stopped in for a visit bearing gifts and cards.  They love me and appreciate what both Donnie and I have done for them over their life time.

But for some reason, that I cannot fully explain, I had an off day today.  When Donnie was alive he would treat me to breakfast in bed on Mother’s day even when the kids were fully grown.  We would have time with the kids but I was also spoiled by their father.  I missed that today and it is just one of those times when you feel that loss.

I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have lost your husband and have all you kids living away or even worse just not making the effort to call or visit.  I have many blessings in my life with my children, family and good friends.  That is what takes the edge off my sadness and makes my life so much more peaceful and contented. 

To all those that have lost a loved one and are feeling that loss today, I wish you peace and contentment.  Reach out to those loved ones that are still in your life and take note of the blessings you still have.

Scramble Therapy by Leil Lowndes

Leil Lowndes is the author of several books and she talks about “scramble therapy”.  It is quite simply scrambling up your life and trying different activities that you would never think of participating in.

Just one weekend of each month do something totally out of your normal routine.  If you usually walk than go bowling.  If you bowl than go bird-watching.  Oh, you’re a bird-watch, than forget it and go fly a kite for the afternoon. 

Why take yourself out of your comfort zone?  Because of the person you will become from doing it.  Just by doing a different activity, even once, you will be 80 percent more of a conversationalist, you will meet new friends and most importantly you will break out of your cocoon and become a social butterfly.  As you learn new things you will find it so much easier talking to others.  As they talk about their interests you will be able to relate to them because you have tried it.

The list of activities is endless ranging from mild to the extreme.

• Tennis
• Hiking
• White-water rafting
• Go to a stamp exhibition
• Take a chess lesson
• Go ballooning
• Spend the day at the library
• Go kayaking
• Go to the pool hall for a few games
• Visit your local art gallery
• Go see a live play

Do you get the idea – it’s not what you do that matters, but that it has to be something you don’t normally do.  If your uncomfortable doing it on your own find a friend and try something new once a month. 

It doesn’t always have to cost money or be a big deal.  Use your imagination and also find things going on in your neighborhood that you have never taken part in.  It will make you feel alive because there is something powerful about learning and doing new things.  Have some fun with it!

Do you feel guilty and is it holding you back?

   It’s normal to feel some guilt because a sense of guilt is helpful in making decisions and deterring you from doing harm to either yourself or others.

The perfect balance of just enough guilt helps us to maintain a balanced life.  Unfortunately, many widows experience so much guilt that they are unable to do positive things and bring happiness into their lives.

Guilt can be deeply ingrained in our personality and can be difficult to overcome.  When we feel guilty we may even seek to punish ourselves to relieve the guilt by setting ourselves up to be unhappy.

   

Feeling guilty because you did not live up to some standard of behavior that you set for yourself is not productive.  Give yourself a break and accept your own humanness.  We often set higher standards for ourselves than we would ever expect from others.

The past is just that the past and you have to start focusing on the present and how you can take positive steps to minimize your feelings of guilt.  Let the crisis of becoming a widow motivate you to work on something you enjoy doing. 

Guilt is closely tied to your feelings of self-worth and self-love.  As you build up your worth in your own eyes you will be less inclined to be held back by guilt from the past.

Widows- How Are you Doing?

Checklist – How Are You Doing?

Please answer these questions honestly and consider how far you have come in your grief journey:

·        I have given myself permission to grieve when I need to.

·        I am expressing my grief and not burying it inside me.

·        I have more physical and emotional energy than I did at the start.

·        I am not as depressed and I can concentrate.

·        I no longer feel like crying most of the time.

·        I can control my emotional moods.

·        I can sleep all night without taking any sleep aids.

·        My appetite is back to normal and my weight has stabilized.

·        I no longer go mindlessly through my day.

·        I have outgrown the feeling that I am losing my mind.

·        I am beginning to be more sociable.

·        I feel emotionally alive rather than emotionally dead.

·        I understand the grief process and the stages of grief.

·        I know that I need to grieve and I'm comfortable talking about my feelings.

You need to work through your grief and I hope that you were able to check off some items on the above list.  Remember it is a journey and it does take time.

Part Twelve - Widows and Self-Care

This is the last part so I’m going to just highlight a couple of important points.

 

There are many different ways to use your journal.  Write your past, present and future vision.  Write about your thoughts, dreams, feelings and relationships to others.  Another way is to write letters addressed to yourself in your journal – say whatever comes to mind and write without holding back.

Ask your inner self all the questions you want answers to. Take time to let your mind and spirit reflex on your question.  And then write the answers that your inner self has given you. There is no right or wrong here – it’s just you and your journal.

Another way of connecting with your feelings is to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up.  It’s amazing what answers or thoughts will come to you as you sleep.  Keep a paper and pen beside your bed because if you don’t write it down at once you will forget it.  Your dreams may provide you with important insights into what is going on in your life.

You need to listen to your inner voice and take action.  Call the person that you just thought of, follow up on a piece of information you received and always stay open to what you’re feeling.

You’re now on a path to extreme self-care and beginning to take good care of yourself.   Just one last reminder – start being selfish and listen to your inner self.

Part Nine - Widows and Self-Care

For some a spiritual life is a religious role within a church community and for others it is a sense of peace that comes from spending time in nature, meditation or different spiritual practices.

“Spiritual well-being” means different things to different people but there is no denying that most people want to feel connected to a Divine presence in some way.

No matter how you choose to honor your spiritual life, you’ll find inner peace by doing so.  Take time to think about this side of your life as it’s another part to your emotional health.

Start by creating a space in your home that you can spend time relaxing and enjoying some peace and tranquility.  Transform the space by painting it your favorite soft colors and filling it with things that touch you deeply.  When in this space focus on your spiritual life as you want it to be and not as you think others want it to be.

 

• Think about when you last felt peaceful and relaxed.
• At that time where were you and what were you doing?
• What shape is your spiritual life in? 
• How has it changed in the last few years?
• What does a “spiritual life” mean to you?

This is the most personal and intense part of your self-care.  It is not hinged on anyone or anything but your own feelings and choices.  This is where faith comes in or not and only you can tell because it’s your journey.

Part Eight - Widows and Self-Care

Most widows struggle to experience even a little fun and adventure in their lives.  Fun is a necessary part of self-care and has a positive impact on your health and well-being.

Building fun into your life on a regular basis will help you to take life less seriously.  There are still lots of memories to be made and it doesn’t have to always cost a lot of money.

A good knee slapping laugh with friends as you go for a walk together, playing with your grandchildren and having a new adventure, these will all add years to your own life.

I’m here to remind you that having fun is just as important as working a job or looking after your loved ones.

• What have you done for fun lately?
• If you could do anything, what would you do?
• Do you think that spending money on fun is an “OK” expense?
• Have you turned down a chance to play with family and friends?  Why?
• Were you brought up to think that fun wasn’t a valuable use of your time?

Write about having fun in your journal because it may be time for you to have some exciting new adventures.  When you are ready to move from grief to healing remember that laughter lines are what you should be striving for at this time of your life. 

Part Seven - Widows and Self-Care

You need to share your life with people who care about you because relationships are an important part of your self-care.  They shape who you are and add meaning to your life.

We all need to belong, be part of a community and feel like we add value to others.  When we are grieving, it’s too easy to take for granted that people will understand.  But everyone has their limits and putting a relationship on hold for too long, especially if you do it over and over again, may take a toll and eventually it may damage the relationship.

If you have been guilty of this don’t worry – it’s never too late to rebuild a relationship that has been suffering from neglect. A strong relationship (family and friends) will enrich your life and provide you with a sense of security. You may not realize it but when relationships weaken they will wear you down and cost you more emotional energy then you can afford.

• Are there relationships that you have been taking for granted?
• Are there family and friends that need your time and attention? 
• On the other side are there some relationships that are draining you?
• Who empowers you and makes you feel good about yourself?
• Stop and reexamine the relationships in your life.

Write in your journal the names of the people in your life and where they fit in your current lifestyle.