Widows in Denial

Ruth in chapter five of the book “The Sisterhood of Widows” couldn’t really believe her husband was dead as per this paragraph:

“When we were leaving the funeral parlor I asked, “Where’s Andrew?”  Then I thought ‘Oh my God’, look what I just said.’  I was so used to having him beside me.  It was like a bad dream and I thought I would wake up and everything would be the way it was before.”

When did your denial begin?  Most of us don’t talk about death in our everyday conversations.  After all why would we when everyone is healthy?  But by now, a terrible reality has come into your life and nothing has prepared you for that last visit and then they are gone.  And when it happened, you find yourself in denial - “It can’t be”.

There is a period of time when we know they are gone but in our heart we just don’t feel it can be true.  Maybe that denial is necessary to get us through the outpourings of sympathy, the paperwork and the funeral.

In the early period of your grief journey you may leave our loved one’s voice on the answering machine like the widow in chapter three:

“While I waited I found a box of Kleenex in the car and I just started cleaning everything inside and out.  I was so high strung and scared that I called home three times and got Jack’s voice each time. That’s why it hasn’t been changed because I didn’t want to lose it.  I thought that I’m never going to hear his voice again and I find it comforting.  Jack says “Sorry can’t come to the phone right now” and it seems like he is talking to me.  I think I will try to get a copy of his voice.  If I feel lonesome I know I can call up and hear him. It’s been almost two years and his voice is still on the answering machine telling the callers to leave a message.”

Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best that you can and you will deal with reality as your grief journey progresses.  Every widow travels the grief journey in their own time.

Denial Can Hurt a Widow

Widows may slip into denial when their lives take a different path and they are on their own again.  One major denial is that we are on our own and that we will sometimes need help.  We assume responsibilities unnecessarily because we don’t want to admit that life has changed and we are finding it hard to be single without our husbands.

It is a heavy burden to be responsible for everything and if we aren’t careful we will slowly forget how to play.  We may go from lack of play, to being starved of any joy, to feeling unsupported and unloved.

When we are in the denial stage, we refuse to hear what others suggest because we feel that they don’t understand.  We may think, “It’s easy for you to say, but you still have your husband.”  Denial is characterized by feeling unappreciated and trapped without options in a life you didn’t plan for.

Ironically, when we are in denial, we are our own worst enemy because we don’t seek help.  When others offer to help, say “Yes” and share some of the responsibility.  Family and friends hand us a gift by being there for us.  They don’t know what to do but they want to help.  You may not be able to hear their offer because you are thinking that you can do it all. Don’t deny them a chance to do something for you. 

   

Widows tend to compound their problems by undervaluing the potential help others are willing to give.  Slow down and look at the big picture.  There were two of you and now there is only one – it’s o.k. to ask for and receive a little help.

Widows - Life Is Never the Same Again

As I think back in time my earliest recollection of death was that of my grandfather.  Children have a strange understanding of life and death that often leaves them with a bewildered acceptance.

I was young (about eight) and what I remember is that there were a lot of people around and nothing seemed normal.  It was scary and I remember hiding in the dining room.

Much later, while I was in my teenage years, my Uncle Jimmy died in a car accident.  I remember the police coming to the door to tell my mother and again it felt scary and somehow I knew instinctively that life was forever changed for my mother, because of the love she had for her brother

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I remember going to the funeral and everyone coming to pay their respects.  It was my first time at a funeral and seeing a dead body.  I never forgot the stillness, not at all like sleep, and I remember thinking that it wasn’t the laughing Uncle Jimmy that I knew.

Some people remember every detail of a funeral – what they wore, how their hair was combed etc. but I never get close enough or stay long enough to take in details. Over the years I have been too many funerals of family and friends – cancer, accidents and a few suicides.  But I always kept my distance and dutifully paid my respects to their loved ones.

But then my husband died and it wasn’t possible to keep my distance.  In fact he died suddenly at the kitchen table while I was in the next room.  A terminal illness is also painful not only for the ill person but also for the caregiver who must watch the gradual wasting away, helpless to do anything but watch and try to help.

It’s not like these earlier deaths will provide any preparation for the pain that comes from the death of a loved one.  Grief doesn’t work like that, nothing dilutes the pain.

When you are young you hear people say “Life is never the same again” but then it happens to you and its true – Life is never the same again, it’s changing.  One could pretend otherwise but the truth slowly works its way through the fog of grief until this major fact sinks in and is absorbed – “Life is never the same again”.

Most Widows have a Gut Instinct

Follow your gut instinct for what you want and for what’s best for you.  There is a lot of stuff going on after the death of your spouse, but you know what feels right.

You know that funerals are for the living so they can pay their respects, drop off some flowers, a donation or a card.  But if that’s not what you and your spouse had planned than follow your gut and go where your instinct leads you.

After the funeral everyone goes back to what they were doing – back to their “normal” lives while your life is never going to be “normal” as you knew it.

Widows are often detached with a sense of unreality as they go through the funeral and sometimes the only thing they have to lean on is their gut instinct.  Take a few moments before making any decisions and ask yourself “is this right for me?” and then follow your gut instinct.

Death of Spouse is rated as the Highest Stress Event in Life

This doesn’t come as a surprise to those that have lost their spouse. The rating is based on the fact that nothing causes more of a “life change” than the death of your spouse.  The “life changes” in your life are irrevocable and they destroy your future as well, and that constitutes another kind of loss.

When a widow losses her husband, she also losses her continuity.  No one wants to change and even the most radical of people would prefer to control their lives and not face the unexpected loss of their “normal” life.  It is natural to resist change as we are all creatures of habit.  We follow the “rules”, behave as society expects, and fool ourselves into thinking that life is manageable.  Then death pulls the “normal” carpet out from under our feet and we stumble into the abyss of the unknown.

Change threatens our stability and undermines our hold on sanity and life as we know it. Everyone has limits to their adaptability so learning how to cope with change will help you cope with the shock of your new tomorrows. 

Stress management really means change management because too much stress/change can lead to serious illness, including heart attacks and strokes. Developing habits that provide some stability in your changing world will help you to manage change instead of suppressing it.  By having habits that are stable and in your control you will gain back some control of your life. 

Take a few minutes to think of the daily habits you do control and perhaps some new habits that you may want to start.  The good thing here is that you are in control of these changes and that’s a great feeling to have.

Widows Need To Be Creative

You don’t need some special talent to be an artist.  The truth is we don’t need anything but ourselves. You may think that you don’t have a creative bone in your body or that you can’t even draw a straight line but I’m here to tell you that every human being has some creativeness inside them. I’m talking about the “art” to be found in everyday living.

 

I believe in creating things, ideas and moments that will bring you closer to the people in your life.  It can be as creative as having an amazing dinner party from leftovers or that special little thank you gift that you made.

The best gifts are not found in a box or in a store.  The best gifts are the people and the moments that make life wonderful.  There is no limit to the way we can share from our hearts.  Living creatively helps us to express love in our everyday acts.

There are three main reasons that widows need to be creative are:

1.     The more hardships we have in our lives the more we search for self expression.  Sometimes there are simply no words to express what we are feeling.  We need other ways to let people know what is in our hearts.

2.       Many of us feel a lack of meaning in our lives.  We may be moving through life and wondering just what we have accomplished.  We need to stop and put more meaning into our actions.  Living creatively doesn’t mean we do more, but that we put more meaning into what we do. 

3.       We all need more reasons to play.  A child is always being creative, asking questions and laughing.  But as a grownup we lose our creatively, and with it our imagination and joyfulness. 

Decide right now to bring playfulness back into your life.  By living creatively we recognize that we are each in charge of putting play, meaning and self expression back into our everyday lives.

I want to inspire you to create a moment that matters.  To create a memory that will last a life time and to create a sense of yourself as the artist of your own life.

Mother's Day As A Widow

Mother’s Day is a perfect time for our children to stop and acknowledge us as mothers.  My son and daughter both stopped in for a visit bearing gifts and cards.  They love me and appreciate what both Donnie and I have done for them over their life time.

But for some reason, that I cannot fully explain, I had an off day today.  When Donnie was alive he would treat me to breakfast in bed on Mother’s day even when the kids were fully grown.  We would have time with the kids but I was also spoiled by their father.  I missed that today and it is just one of those times when you feel that loss.

I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have lost your husband and have all you kids living away or even worse just not making the effort to call or visit.  I have many blessings in my life with my children, family and good friends.  That is what takes the edge off my sadness and makes my life so much more peaceful and contented. 

To all those that have lost a loved one and are feeling that loss today, I wish you peace and contentment.  Reach out to those loved ones that are still in your life and take note of the blessings you still have.