Is it easier if they die suddenly or if you have more time?

We often wrestle with this question and I’ve learned to accept it’s all the same (they are gone) but different.  No matter how it was, we would always have to balance the extra time we have with them with the suffering of a long illness.

We are all unique but alike, we just wear different size shoes as we walk together. There are just so many different layers to each circumstance. There are many horrific layers to seeing them suffer or having them die without saying your final goodbyes.

I got the shock of my life in under an hour with no goodbyes or a last I love you, but I didn't have to watch Donnie suffer or watch him wither away. I grieve what we missed being able to do together. We were supposed to retire and grow old together but it wasn’t meant to be.

I think the pain is the same no matter what, but the time together and age when it happens and how fast it happens have impacts on what kinds of challenges we will have. If you haven't had much time together, you mourn the dreams that are lost. If you've had a lifetime together, you mourn the memories you will no longer be making.

If you have young kids to raise that's a different issue from being a grandparent (missing out on your "golden years" together) or not having had kids at all (worrying about missing out on the chance to ever have children). If it's fast, you are slammed with the reality, but if it's long, you have the horrible memories of a decline and perhaps difficulty adjusting to a life when you are no longer a caregiver.

I believe that grief is grief, loss is loss, and while all of our stories are different the outcome is the same. We have lost our parents, child, spouse, our loves, our friends and often suffer with the feelings of abandonment, emptiness, anger, sadness, and the list goes on.

I also wrestled with this question when Donnie died suddenly, but I have peace knowing that each possible scenario has its good and bad sides and in searching, there is no easier scenario possible. I could make a case for each situation, showing how they are worse, as well as showing how they are better. I think, therefore, that it's not so much about what's harder or what's easier as it is about what the different challenges mean to you.

Truth is, each has their own set of struggles. I don't think there is a "easier" way to lose someone you love.  In the end it comes down to what my mother used to say to us, “it is what it is”.

As A Widow We Need To Talk

After Donnie’s death I felt helpless.  I’ll never forget those first few months of grief because it was harder than it should have been. I didn’t know at that time just how much I needed to talk to other widows.

About a year later I came to realize that talking made me feel better.  I sought out other widows because I somehow knew that they would understand my journey.  I think that if I hadn’t found these widows to talk to I would have gone into depression.

Lots of different people come into my life but the other widows had a connection to me that the others did not.  As I got better and learned to bear my feelings, I learned to be good to myself.  They taught me that I could live life as a “single” and that life goes on.  Yes, it’s different but in some ways I’ve found myself as a widow in a deeper sense than if I was still married.

For sure I would love to still be married and have Donnie to share my life with, but that is my past and in my memories.  I’ve learned that the present is for me so I focus on what being good to myself really means.  Sometimes it is as simple as taking a long hot bath, a glass of wine with friends or sitting down to write a blog about grieving and healing.

But after all these years one thing has never changed – talking makes me feel better.  I thank God every day for family and friends that I can share a conversation with.  Sometimes its in laughter and sometimes its serious, but its always with those that care.  What more can we ask for?

Are You Doing It All?

As a widow do you find yourself trying to do everything perfectly?

I always liked doing things a certain way and I didn’t trust anyone else to help me.  After Donnie’s death I felt like a failure because I couldn’t do it all.

The main thing that throws widows off track is that we confuse the goal with the journey.  In other words there are many paths to a goal and we don’t have to take the perfectly straight path.

We need to delegate tasks so that we don’t get overwhelmed by standards that we just can’t meet.   It’s hard to do what two people used to do without the pressure of it being perfect.  Donnie used to do all the yard work at the cottage and I just took it for granted.  Now when I mow the lawn I’m happy to just get it done – no fancy edging or trimming.  It’s not perfect but “good enough” is “good enough”.

When you’re troubled with perfection ask:

• What is the end result I’m looking for?
• What would happen if it’s not perfect?
• Can it be delegated and if so to whom?

The point of these questions is to call attention to the assumptions we make.  These questions should help you let go of unrealistic expectations.  You need to accept that “aiming” for perfection is “good enough” and that you don’t always have to reach it.

The reality is, I can’t do everything and neither can you.  Instead try to celebrate your daily victories and ignore that little voice that nags at you when things aren’t quite perfect.

Are You Ready To Move Forward?

As a widow ages, she may want to remain in her own home because of her memories.  But for many, their declining health may make that impossible.

Moving from the home you shared with your husband to a new place is never easy and a widow may not even be sure if a move is the right thing to do.

You don’t have to be old and sick before you make the decision to move.  Many widows move because they want a smaller place with less maintenance.  Others move because it will provide a more social environment or make their financial life a little easier.

The last thing you want to deal with is another major change in your life, so don’t take this step until you are ready.

Some signs that you may be ready to move:

• The house is less kept up and maintenance isn’t being done.
• Expenses for heat, taxes and insurance are hard to pay.
• Too many steps make it difficult to get around the house.
• It’s hard to keep the outside walkways shoveled in the winter.
• You don’t have a social life or see many people.
• The house feels empty and too lonely for one person.
• You are thinking more and more about moving to a smaller place.

You can talk this over with friends and family but remember that the decision is not reversible so the time to move has to be when it feels right for you.

Are There Different Types Of Grief?

Intense sorrow is caused by the death of a loved one and it’s an emotion that varies in duration and intensity from person to person. In short, there is no easy way to “cure” grief. Instead, psychologists believe that the grieving process must be allowed to run its course over time.
As defined by Merriam-Webster Online, the word “grief” means “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.” Grief is associated with feelings of sadness, confusion, despair, fear, anger, anxiety and guilt, to name a few. Grief also has a physical impact on those suffering from it. Often, bereaved individuals experience physical effects such lack of sleep, irritability, fatigue, weight fluctuations and difficulty concentrating.

Anticipatory grief: This is the kind of grief experienced when the death of a loved one is just around the corner, such as in cases of terminal illness or an ailing, elderly family member.

Unanticipated grief: This type of grief is often associated with unexpected loss, such as from an accident.

Ambiguous grief: This form is the result of a circumstance where there is little or no closure about the unfortunate event. For example, if a loved one is kidnapped and never found, a pet runs away, a parent abandons a child or a child abandons a parent.

Complicated Grief: In most cases, mourners pass through grief successfully, although the timetable varies significantly. In some cases, however, normal side effects associated with grief (the physical and emotional manifestations) can spiral out of control. Anyone experiencing the following symptoms for more than a couple of months should contact a professional for help: abnormal social withdrawal, aggressive behavior, self-destructive attitudes, feelings of guilt or blame, or an inability to mention the deceased. If left untreated, complicated grief can become a serious health threat to the individual.
 
Similarly, psychologists also emphasize that normal grief is not considered a psychological disorder, as is depression. Professional help to treat possible depression should be sought if the bereaved experiences thoughts of suicide, preoccupation with death, severe feelings of guilt, decreased enjoyment in activities, inability to function or persisting feelings of worthlessness.

When Is It Time To Move

As a widow ages, she may want to remain in her own home because of her memories. But for many, their declining health may make that impossible.
Moving from the home you shared with your husband to a new place is never easy and a widow may not even be sure if a move is the right thing to do.
You don’t have to be old and sick before you make the decision to move. Many widows move because they want a smaller place with less maintenance. Others move because it will provide a more social environment or make their financial life a little easier.
The last thing you want to deal with is another major change in your life, so don’t take this step until you are ready.
Some signs that you may be ready to move:

• The house is less kept up and maintenance isn’t being done.
• Expenses for heat, taxes and insurance are hard to pay.
• Too many steps make it difficult to get around the house.
• It’s hard to keep the outside walkways shoveled in the winter.
• You don’t have a social life or see many people.
• The house feels empty and too lonely for one person.
• You are thinking more and more about moving to a smaller place.

You can talk this over with friends and family but remember that the decision is not reversible so the time to move has to be when it feels right for you.

Valentine's Day as a Widow

I’m a widow – I never thought that I would be saying those words in my fifties. As a child the only widows I knew seemed like old women that had nothing to look forward to.

Our lives are molded by what happens to us on our journey. Widows - after seeing grief first hand find solace in each other not because we come from the same city or know mutual friends, but because we have gone through the same psychological grief and pain. We all know what happened without any need of an explanation. We understand each other in a special way.

When I was in my thirties I could talk to a widow and have compassion but I couldn’t really understand what she was going through because I still had my husband. I hadn’t gone through the depths of suffering and loss that I would eventually go through when I was fifty years old.

I used to think widows and widowers were sad people for the rest of their lives. Sometimes I’m sad, but I’ve learned to live life and to make it meaningful. I want to live and I appreciate that I can – Donnie was not so blessed.

I listen to my widowed friends and they listen to me and neither of us are victims, we are just strong women sharing our journey with each other.

It is impossible to live through the loss of our loved ones and remain the same. In my case I know that I’m a better person with a new level of compassion. I write about my journey and hope that it resonates with others and inspires them to have the courage to find themselves and to realize peace comes from within.

So this Saturday when many loved ones get gifts and share kisses I will embrace the person that I have become, the life that has been shaped from my grief and my widowed friends that understand the journey.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all my friends and thank you for being part of my life.

Saying Goodbye to Our Dying Loved One

Saying good-bye to a dying loved one — what to talk about, when, and how — doesn’t come naturally to most of us. All they ask of us is what people appreciate hearing at any time of life: words of candor, reassurance, and love.

It’s hard to say good-bye, but putting off meaningful conversations is perhaps the number-one source of regret. Dying people want to hear four very specific messages from their loved ones: “Please forgive me.” “I forgive you.” “Thank you.” “I love you....”
 

Realize that the dying person usually knows what’s happening. The person who’s dying starts to wonder if nobody else gets it. This stresses them — they have to think about others’ needs instead of dealing with their own. It helps to reassure the dying person that you understand and are ready; in a way, you’re granting the person permission to set aside the troubles of this world.

If the person talks about impending death either directly or indirectly through metaphor, a helpful response would be to say: “Tell me more.” If they are expressing anxiety about finishing certain tasks –You can follow with reassurance: “You’ve done a good job, you’re all set.” Sometimes the person may ask, “Am I dying?” as a way of gauging your feelings. You can reflect the question back: “I don’t know. How are you feeling? Others refuse to directly discuss death and their wishes should be honored.

Being reassured that their loved ones will be fine in their absence helps people feel they can go peacefully. It’s common to seek reconciliation with people, with God or the universe, or within themselves. They often ask directly about particular relationships or express a desire to see someone they’ve been in conflict with themselves.

You may be advised to let your dying loved one know that you are OK with them leaving you. But you don’t feel OK about it and the words are too hard to say. It may be easier to say: “You look tired, sweetheart, please don’t worry about me.” Or “You’ve been such a fighter and if you need to rest, it’s OK.” Helping them to see that they made a difference in the world or within a particular family will fill their need to feel that their live had meaning and purpose.

Make Your Home Happier

When we are grieving nothing appeals to us and our empty home just highlights our loneliness.

Sprucing up our home by making little changes can lighten our outlook on life. A soothing space also allows you to be more creative and happy.

I found that having a messy house made me more anxious, like I had a lot of unfinished things I should be doing. So now I’m cleaning up before I go out – a made bed makes me feel happier????

Painting my rooms in warmer colors also makes me feel better and I find it calming.

Another great idea to try out is building a vision board of things that I want to see and do that has positive energy attached to them.

Don’t do a lot of changes at once because that can just add to your stress. Planning is half the fun so enjoy making your home happier one project at a time.

Learning To Accept Help

The death of a loved one feels so unreal and yet we still think we can handle it on our own. We think, “I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me”, so we don’t accept the support or help offered.

Usually composed and capable, we don’t want to burden others with our worries or loneliness. Still, we can’t block out those feelings. Please call someone and confide to them, opening up will give them a chance to do something for you, even if it’s just to provide a listening ear.

Did you know that the number-one energy zapper is stress? Luckily, spending time with friends can chase away that stress, fight fatigue and even nourish your soul. Friends are angels and when you bring them into your life, they brighten everything with their playfulness and love.

How often in our daily lives had we put conditions on our happiness? When we get older, retire, pay off the mortgage, get the children grown – then we will find the time to do what we want. But then our loved one dies and there is so little joy in a present filled with uncertainties.

I’m often too serious and get too involved in my projects. That is where friends come to my rescue with some fun and laughter. I saw this plaque yesterday while shopping with my friends from “The Chicks Night Out” group and I want to pass it on:

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

 

I stopped and asked myself, “So, am I dancing in the rain?” I think I am. I do know that I try to be more committed to taking time to recognize and be grateful for the immense blessings that are around me.

Thanks to friends and family I celebrate my blessings more. Yes, one step at a time, I’m learning to dance in the rain but I would never have gotten to that place without learning to accept the help and support that was offered to me.

Family In Grief

They have not denied their pain or hidden from it. But, at the same time, they have chosen to live. And through that choice they have affirmed their belief in their family and they have learned how to be joyous.

When you go through such a difficult experience, you of course reassess your priorities. The desire to do something good to express your loss in a positive way becomes very strong. Use all those feelings as a motor for change and express your loss by helping others.

A very difficult or tragic experience can have a strong effect, and it can be either positive or negative. Families can either split apart or grow together and making that decision is very important, because it directs your actions towards your choice.

They have to be willing to try anything anyone suggested that might make them whole again — therapy, support groups, prayer, yoga, spiritual counseling, charity, community support.

They have asserted that life is stronger than death, that giving is stronger than grief. A family in grief has learned that when the pain comes, let it be, and it will pass. Don’t resist it.

Permission To Be Happy

Remember the days when we needed permission to do just about anything, first, from parents, and then from others?

Permission was doled out according to some kind of mysterious and unwritten system. It seems to me that we never outgrow the need to please those closest to us.

It took me some time before I recognized the fact that people need permission to bring back some level of normalcy into their lives. I use the word normalcy in the context of having some joy and fun.

However, we don’t wake up one morning and feel that we have been given permission to do this or that. It is more of a subtle understanding that life is good, there is much beauty in our lives, there is music, there are friends that help us, and there are new possibilities to explore.

This is what I mean by “permission”. So we share our stories, our hopes, our disappointments and our expectations for our lives and in so doing we see that we are not unique. We are then encouraged to live our lives a bit more fully; we learn from the stories of our friends and as life goes on we learn once more to laugh and to enjoy life as it is given to us.

Although the deaths of our loved ones will always be with us, the time that we gave ourselves to feel the pain and struggle of grief was, in retrospect, the best gift of all.

Learn To Honor Each Day

Learning to honor each day with a humble spirit can be a challenge. Where does it come from, this human urge for “more” and “more”.

As we seek things we lose the little perfections of our day – the beauty of a cloud, the colors of a garden, the giggle of a child’s laughter. We must learn to value the small or we will never appreciate the great.

We need to honor time with a friend, a walk in our neighborhood, the taste of a good meal and the right to bow our heads in prayer.

Are these not enough?

Be Free To Forgive

Sometimes things happen between people during the illness and death of a loved one that causes a lot of hurt feelings. These negative feelings have an impact on our lives, both mentally and physically.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves because it gives us the freedom to take control of the situation. We relieve ourselves of the burden of carrying around hurt, anger, pain and loneliness. That’s when the healing begins when we become free enough to forgive.

When we are grieving it takes all our energy to just get through each day. Don’t use up your energy holding unto emotional baggage. Forgive and become free of all those negative feelings.

7 Ways To Build Your Confidence

It’s hard to start your life moving forward after the loss of a loved one. How we respond to grief and it’s stress often comes down to how we feel about ourselves.

It is so much easier if you can give your self-esteem a boost as it reinforces your ability to deal with the crisis on hand. The key is to adopt an entirely new mind set, one that reinforces your ability to deal with grief and bounce back from it’s blows.

Commit to Learning – doing new activities will challenge you and expand your social life.

Ignore your”Negative Voice” – drown it out with a positive thought or idea.

Pamper Yourself- Buy a special treat for yourself, like scented soap or a favorite tea.

Write out Your “To-Do” list – Crossing off the items when they are done builds confidence.

Don’t Compare – Your self worth is not based on how you measure up to others.

Do Good Things – Donate and Volunteer because doing good will make you feel good.

Walk With Confidence – move with a bounce in your step and you will feel more positive.

Grief is Natural and Normal

Why is that when we suffer a significant loss others are quick to express an opinion on how long we should grieve?

To grieve is normal – there will be anger, hurt, guilt, emptiness, sadness, helplessness and loneliness. An abnormal grief would be the refusal to feel all these necessary feelings. We need to let all the feelings come to the surface, expressing them is a process that helps us to reach the reality of our loss.

Grief work is difficult as we learn to live in the present with things as they are. Even though we have lost our loved ones we still need to hold on to our memories while at the same time detaching from our grief to make room for the present.

There are many people around who will help us if we only reach out. On the other hand there are those that want you to “move on” way before you are ready. Search out the right group of people to be with and don’t let anyone rush you on your grief journey.

Do Grievers Become Workaholics?

When we are grieving feelings of inadequacy can propel us into a self-destructive behavior. Even though we may have accomplished some great things, many are still driven to do more and more.

There are times when we get too caught up in doing – in accomplishing tasks and we forget to pay attention to our real needs. By trying to keep everything under control we get even more anxious and tired.

Frenetic activities drain our energy and leave us feeling physically tired and emotionally numb. Unfortunately, there is no connection between working harder and accomplishing more. We use activity for the sake of being busy while in fact we need to also take time to play, to relax and to find our place.

Some signs of the workaholic:

• Staying late on the job
• Working on the weekends
• Always too busy
• Eats too fast
• Feels responsible to do everything
• Lonely

After we lose our loved one we need support and a social life. Hiding from our needs by becoming a workaholics just adds to our feeling of loneliness.

Alternatives to Compulsive Busyness:

• Go for a walk
• Dance in your living to your favorite tunes
• Read a good book
• Take a long bath with lots of bubbles
• Plant a garden
• Learn to play an instrument
• Go to a movie with a friend
• Play with your children/grandchildren
• Go for a drive – exploring new areas
• Call an old friend

Treat Yourself With Kindness

Life is not about perfection. Grief can easily turn into depression and so if today all you did was get out of the house than you are doing great.

Love, appreciate and accept yourself just the way you are. It takes time to switch from being a wife to being single so don’t rush your journey.

Sift through all the misinformation and high-pressure talk to move on and be an independent thinker. Be responsible for your health and keep your eye on future wellness. You know better than anyone that you have only one body to live this life in, so treat it with the care and respect it deserves.
It can be difficult to change old habits, and new habits take time to cultivate. You are worth putting the time and effort into.

Wishing for change is not the same as making it happen. Do what you need to do because if not now, when? Remember to be kind to yourself as you make these changes. If you treat yourself with kindness than others will follow your example. If on the other hand you don’t treat yourself well than others will follow the example you set.

Are You Happy With Yourself?

It’s hard to be happy, truly happy after you have lost a loved one. Most grievers stop with being “content” because they can’t even imagine being happy. Don’t settle for “contentment” when “happiness” is a gift we can have. We matter and that’s why we need to do more than just survive – we need to find our own path and be happy.

Don’t worry about what others are doing or saying, because to be truly happy you must make your own path.

It’s quite simple – If you can’t be yourself, you can’t be truly happy.

Ask yourself: When am I feeling completely happy? It’s important to be able to say “No” and walk away if it doesn’t make you completely happy, but it’s also important to know when to say “Yes”, because it’s usually the things we don’t do that cause us the most regret.

What is Worse - Losing Your Spouse Fast or Slow?

I believe that grief is grief, loss is loss, and while all of our stories are different the outcome is the same. We have lost our parents, child, spouse, our loves, our friends and often suffer with the feelings of abandonment, emptiness, anger, sadness, and the list goes on.

I’m often asked is it better if you have them longer even if they are suffering or if they go fast, without a chance to say goodbye. I also wrestled with this question when Donnie died so suddenly but I have peace knowing that each possible scenario has its good and bad sides and in searching, there is no better or good scenario possible.

I could make a case for each situation, showing how they are the worse, as well as showing how they are the best. I think, therefore, that it’s not so much about what’s harder or what’s easier as it is about what’s different because different challenges mean different needs and different emotions.

Truth is, both have good and bad points, each with their own set of struggles. I don’t think there is a “better” way to lose someone you love. In the end it comes down to what my mother used to say to us, “it is what it is”.

What Grievers Need To Hear

People who have never lost a loved one try to help but often their comments are hurtful. Below are what grievers need to hear from family and friends.

• I wish I had the right words, just know that I care.
• You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
• I love you.
• My heart aches for you.
• I am so sorry for your loss.
• I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
• My favorite memory of your loved one is…
• I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.
• I miss them too.
• Saying nothing – just be with the person.

Can Laughter Help You Heal?

Laughter helps ease pain, it can ease depression, it’s a way to move and get into your inner child plus it’s a lot of fun. Unfortunately, as adults we don’t remember how to have fun.

Dr. Michael Miller, Director, Center for Preventative Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center says, “The bottom line of our research is that laughter not only makes us feel good but it has a direct effect on our blood vessels. And our blood vessels control the likelihood of us developing a heart attack or a stroke. So if we keep the blood vessels healthy, then we’re going to be healthy.”

It’s good for your heart to laugh on a regular basis, it can burn up to 40 calories for a five minute laugh plus it’s healing for our soul.

I know when you are grieving that laughter is the last thing you are thinking about but it’s one of the best natural medicines for depression. So make a decision to get out with friends or play with some children so that you can connect with your inner child and laugh again.

Are We Obsessed With Grief?

While expressing our grief openly is beneficial and necessary, there can be an excess of grief that can be damaging both psychologically and spiritually. It is possible for us to become so obsessed with our loss that we become overtaken with grief.

The sorrow we feel when our loved one dies and leaves us is real and painful, but there are factors that can stir up hope and shed light if we are willing to look for them.
We need to concentrate on the positive aspects surrounding us so that we don’t dwell only on the loss of our loved one.

Holding unto our sorrow will only perpetuate the pain and render it even more difficult to recapture any sense of a normal life. We should be careful that we are not trying to keep our grief alive to the point that we succumb to the negative view that grief is blocking us from living a life filled with fresh goals and enjoyment.

From whatever point of view it is approached, the lot of the widowed is anything but enviable. It is a lonely life that in most cases is not easily overcome. It is not morbid to face this reality as far too many spouses meet this dreaded crisis unprepared.
Perhaps some planning might have reduced the trauma of the experience, but no matter how we try to prepare ourselves there is still a shock when we are faced with the grim reality of death.

The dark reality is that our loved one is no longer here to love and be loved. Their companionship is not readily replaced and our early grief is inexpressible. We have a sense that the suffering and loneliness which can not be expressed must be borne alone.

Speaking from experience, I know that in the early days of bereavement, we receive a great deal of sympathy and support from those that are genuinely concerned about us. We receive many invitations out to meals, social events and friends drop in to visit. But life is hectic and these offers and visits decline as time passes.

We go out in the evening to attend a social function, but then we return to the lonely house – a daunting experience that does not seem to lessen as time passes.

What I learned as the years passed is that a widow need not succumb to the hopeless abandonment of life. She doesn’t need to forget her pass life once shared with her husband, but she does need to gain her own identity.

Awareness of life and having a measure of contentment – this comes from knowing that life must go on. The death of a loved one does not mean the end of all things and we must face reality if we want to survive.

Different Stages of Grief

Some people believe that there are different stages of grieving but it’s not that simple. We can’t say we are in stage two and getting ready for stage three. Grief is just not that straight forward.

When a loved one dies our reactions to the loss are surprisingly alike but the degree of the reaction is different. People do not go through denial, anger, bargaining with God, depression and acceptance in a certain organized order.

We experience a range of negative and positive emotions – a range of emotions that can move from one to another quickly and then back and forth.

Your grief is truly a personal journey and you can’t plan or prepare yourself 100% for just how your loss is going to affect you emotionally. So don’t be surprised if you don’t grieve like your Mother or Sister, or follow some stages that a professional has defined.