Widows and Goal Setting

Widows are knocked off balanced when they lose their loved ones, but we must get back into living our life and not just existing.  There is no better time to set and achieve goals than at the start of a new year.

I’ve listed some great goal setting tips to get you started:

• Your goals need to be specific and measurable.  Example:  Not – I want to lose some weight.  Instead – I want to lose 2 pounds per month.

• Specific Action Steps to take.  Example:  Not – I will drink 8 glasses of water.  Instead, I will drink 2 glasses of water before each meal and 2 in the evening before 8:00.

• Your goals need to be written out.  This is where you get the most benefit from keeping a personal journal.  It makes your goals more real when you write them down.

• You must hold yourself accountable.  Set realistic deadlines and then monitor your progress.  Make changes to your action steps where necessary.

• Surround yourself with positive people.  Have people in your life that will encourage you and when possible even help you achieve your goal.

• Focus on one goal at a time.  Success requires that you concentrate your efforts on the goal that you want the most.  After you have achieved that goal move on to the next goal on your list.

Those that stay the course have these four characteristics:

• They believe that they are capable of change.
• They do not indulge in excuse making.
• They don’t just wish for it – they concentrate on results.
• They know what motives them.

Any goal worth achieving will have its resistance because it requires change.  In order to reach your goal perseverance is the ONLY option.  If you think that you can stop when it gets tough then you will.  You must be willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, so make your reasons for the goal strong enough to keep you committed.

Success is the result of making and keeping commitments to yourself.  It’s just that simple and that important.  Don’t dishonor your own commitment by quitting or making excuses.  Instead grow strong by reaching your goal with the energy and unstoppable commitment that you are capable of.

I wish for you a New Year of health and happiness.  I encourage you to pursue your goals and believe deeply in your ability to achieve them.

Mary Francis

The Lonely Season

There have been times in my life that I have been utterly lonely.  This is not a disease or a way to get pity but just a fact.  On the other hand, life with friends and family has been a blessing so I work to keep my loneliness controlled.

I rarely feel the absolute loneliness that comes from having few personal interactions and creates indescribable despair.  If you find yourself feeling this lonely, interact with anyone you can – reach out to others.  If you can afford it hire a therapist or attend a grief course.

As a widow if you’re living completely alone you must learn and use social skills because absolute loneliness is just too hard to bear.  Work at gradually getting out and meeting new people, traveling, donating your time or getting a part time job.

Each day brings new choices.  If you want to end your isolation you must be honest with yourself and just step out in faith.

No one can take risks for us, face our grief for us or give us self-esteem.  No one can spare us from the journey of grief to healing.  That is simply the way of things, and after a while we need to learn to appreciate our blessings.

Seeking the company of widows who have learned to transcend the loneliness, who feel as I feel and yet manage to heal, is the best treatment I’ve found.  Don’t hang out with people that drain you, but seek out those who inspire you.

Drum up the courage to connect with others, choose to do something you love to do or learn a new skill and you’ll soon find yourself stumbling across a smile or a joyful laugh.

Loneliness is not a defect but proof that you are searching for a connection.  Don’t hide your loneliness but instead bring it out into the light so you can heal.

Helping Children Deal With The Holidays

Include your children when you talk about Christmas without their father.  It is a time of insecurity and they need to feel security by letting them know in advance how Christmas is going to be celebrated.

Ask the children what they want to do and also what they don’t want.  It is best to know ahead of time what is going to happen rather than approach the day without any plans.

Get their input about an appropriate gift or donation in memory of their father.

Put a new decoration on the tree in memory of their father and let them choose it.

If you want to burn a special memory candle – let them buy it.

Christmas can be overwhelming and they may need a break from family so if they want to visit their friends, let them.

Encourage children to talk about their father.  Although it can be painful, it will help them to share memories and express their feelings.

Grief is Stealing My Sleep

Is your heart overflowing with emptiness and you can’t find peace?

Do you ever wake up in the morning and for a split second life feels normal again?

Do you huddle on top of the bedspread, drawing your legs up towards your chin to watch the night slide away until morning?

Especially in the first year of widowhood sleep is stolen from us by grief and the reality of being on our own. Many widows spend the dark hours of the night roaming throughout the house hoping that daylight will bring them some peace.

My first year I would wander around the house keeping busy so that I would go to bed exhausted but yet sleep would elude me.   I would dwell on the things I didn’t say or the things that I did say and shouldn’t have.

You can get so tired and strung out that you don’t have any energy to care about anything.  Time passes and with it sleep will come back to you but not always as good as it used to be. After five years I still find it odd to stretch out and have the whole bed to myself.  When Donnie first died my daughter Angela brought me a large stuffed cat to curl up in bed with.  She hoped to help me get some sleep.

Now I’m sleeping much better, but rarely do I sleep the whole night without getting up.  I still have trouble quieting my mind down and relaxing before bedtime.

Here are some tricks I’ve learned to help me sleep:

• Don’t just lie there – When I can’t get to sleep in a reasonable time, I get up and read until I feel sleepy.
• Keep a consistent schedule – I try to go to bed and get up at the same time.
• No T.V. in the bedroom  - I keep the bedroom for my special place of rest.
• Make lists – I write a list of tomorrow’s tasks so they don’t go come into my sleep.
• Watch my diet -  I avoid heavy meals, coffee and chocolate close to bedtime.
• Take a hot soak in the bath – This is my favorite way of relaxing
• Control the environment -  I block out the lights with dark curtains, keep the room temperature a little cool and try to keep the room quiet.

Insomniacs spend too much time in bed and not enough time asleep so stay out of the bedroom until you are sleepy.  Having said all of the above, don’t expect to get your sleep back on track while you are grieving.  Grief really does steal sleep and you have to grieve before you can heal.

In time grief will soften into memories and sleep will become easier to find.

Estate Planning Without Conflict

The most common problem in estate planning for a widow is the lack of communication between family members.

A classic example of conflict is when a parent gives a “less well off” child more than they give to their other children.  The parent would be surprised to know how hurt the siblings were because they think that the parent is expressing more love to that one child.

Communication before the parent’s death will avoid a lot of misunderstanding.

Talk about each family member’s idea about fairness.

Take time to identify anyone’s feelings of being shortchanged.

Try to understand what’s going on in everyone’s life.

Separate the person from the problem to conquer it without placing blame.

Have regular family meetings, phone calls and emails so that everyone is in the loop.

It will be easier to discuss issues if you can keep it light and even show some humor.

Combining patience, open-mindedness and forgiveness and you are on the way to estate planning without conflict.  

Resources website for Estate Planning in Canada:    http://www.rbcds.com/estate-planning-guide.html

Stage of Grief - Anger

This is a great article called ” A Necessary Stage of Healing” by Jaletta Albright Desmond who is a columnist who lives in North Carolina.

“I was mad at her. Mad at God. Mad at the professionals who couldn’t read a crystal ball to tell me my daughter was definitely suicidal.  Mad at some other people who could’ve stopped what they were doing or done something differently. I was mad at myself for not seeing more clearly the signs or for failing to read her mind that day. But mostly I was mad at Jocelyn for not stopping, and taking 10 minutes to think about what she would be missing out on in life.”

Follow the link to read the full article by Jaletta Albright Desmond:    http://bdtonline.com/columns/x880883773/A-necessary-stage-of-healing

Do You Miss Your Husband's Opinion?

There was a grinding noise coming from my back wheels every time I used the brakes.  This is when I really miss having Donnie to talk over whether I should let it work itself out or go get it checked.

We may not have always agreed but we would listen to the others point of view.  Sure I could ask my son or brother in-laws, but it’s not the same.  Sometimes it’s just nice to get feedback about something that may be embarrassing or personal and I can’t imagine asking anyone but Donnie for that feedback.

Sometimes the small and even insignificant decisions can leave a widow confused.  Donnie didn’t always know best but he always cared about what was best for me.

Not having anyone but myself to talk things over with can make life seem even more lonely.  Of course I have my sisters and friends but feedback from my husband was special because he knew me best.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

Fear of Death is a Challenge to Overcome

Talking about dying is very difficult.  I remember when Donnie and I found out that he had cancer.  We didn’t talk about his possible death; it was as if we could delay or even elude it if we didn’t talk about it.

I certainly didn’t know how to talk about dying and I’m sure Donnie was just trying to take it all in.  When he died (one week later) sitting at the kitchen table we still hadn’t come to terms with what the doctors where saying to us.

I’ve come to the understanding that dying is hard emotionally – there is that part inside of me that wonders about who I am, who I was as a wife and who I will be in the future.

Donnie’s dying presents a challenge I would ignore if I could.  It’s a challenge because I’m faced with knowing about dying first hand and I’m no longer innocent about death.

There are no medications for loneliness, grief, fear and despair.  How do you address it when you don’t even understand it?  I had to learn to listen, not only with my ears but with my heart as well.

I’ve learned to respect that whatever the Widows are saying is their truth, their reality, theirexperience of having lived with a spouse with a terminal illness.

Dying is a frightening time because we fear death.  We have a sense of anxiety and panic because life is out of our control.  While our husbands were alive we may have found it awkward to speak to each other about the dying process.

For Donnie and me, it seemed that silence was more appropriate than conversation.  We could always talk about it later – but later never came.

Questions go unanswered, feelings of love are not expressed and fears are not shared.  The missed opportunity is so final, so sad and so irreversible.

I wish I had known then what I know now about the process of dying.  I wish someone had talked to us about dying and yet how we could still take in every moment while Donnie was still alive.

If you have a loved one with a terminal illnesses don’t wait to talk about death.  People who are dying are still living and they need to share their feelings and fears while they still can.

A Widow's Financial Challenge

Widows face multiple challenges when it comes to money: In general, they live longer, earn less, and take more breaks from the workforce to care for children, which contributes to lower lifetime earnings. They even pay higher interest rates on credit cards, and higher prices for personal-care items, such as haircuts.

A widow’s lack of financial know how, does become a problem as she grows older. Among marriages that don’t end in divorce, three-quarters end in widowhood, and the average length of widowhood is nine years. That’s a long time to manage money on one’s own.

Women who experience widowhood earlier than expected could suffer because they were not prepared to take over the family finances. Widows who don’t feel equipped to manage their money can ask for the support of an adult child or Financial planner, but some financial knowledge will protect them from scams or bad Financial planners.

A widow with insufficient financial knowledge may find herself without a firm understanding of how much she can afford to spend, what her holdings are, or how quickly her money may go.  It’s a sad future when the money runs out before the end of the month.  Take control of your money and learn how to read your bank statements, investment statements and how to set up a budget so your money will last your lifetime.

You never want to be in the situation where you find yourself saying, “I just don’t know where all the money goes”.

Automatic Review of Our Marriage

When someone you love dies an almost automatic review process begins. The widow will remember many events that occurred over the length of her marriage. Some of the events are happy and produce fond memories; some are unhappy and produce sad memories.

During this review the widow will usually discover some things that she wishes had ended “different, better, or more.” It is those unsaid things which need to be discovered and talked about.

Every widow is unique and responds to grief and healing at her own pace. It is essential never to compare one widow to another. Each and every widow has her own individual beliefs about how to deal with her feelings of loss.

Widows need to talk about “What Happened” almost immediately following the loss. It pre-occupies them, just as a person may be pre-occupied with an accident or some other tragedy.

Socialite believes that grievers want and need to be alone.  How many of you remember being told not to bring up the death of your Uncle to your Aunt?   Your family hoped to avoid the topic of the loss, in an attempt to protect your Aunt.

Let each widow remember her relationship with her husband and share it when and how she wants. Love and respect her enough to quietly let her talk and just be there for her.

Widows Resource Site

It all started over a year ago when new widows would call me or they were being referred to me by the Funeral Homes.  I was trying to get them all together once a month at a restaurant but some of the widows just could not afford the meal. The last time we got together at a restaurant there was a young widow at one end of the table and another at the opposite end.  I could not help but think that they should have had a chance to talk to each other but because of the seating they never did.

After that I approached Holly Reid at Brenan’s Funeral Home about my concerns and she got permission for us to use their lower level meeting area every month.  It has a back entry, bathrooms and kitchen area so you feel like you are in a private rented area.

We started with only a few widows but we have grown and have lots of bus trips and social events in addition to our monthly Chick’s Night Out.  New widows come in barely saying anything but over the months they relax and find support and encouragement from the other widows.

What a new widow needed was somebody to talk to urgently - somebody who would understand what she was dealing with. Only another widow could appreciate how difficult weekends can be without her husband. Only another widow could understand the trauma associated with clearing out a closet full of a husband's clothes. Some, like myself, do it immediately because they want to get it over with quickly while others take years.

Since its beginnings, Chick’s Night Out has also developed small protocols. During our get together some widows pair off and talk. If they want to cry, it's allowed. Conversation is almost never restricted.  Sometimes they group up to play a game of cards or a board game

.

The only hard rule the group has developed is the word "should" is strictly forbidden.  It must never be “you should do this or you should do that," instead we encourage, 'Well, this is what I did and it helped me.' "

Over the months, firm, loving and happy friendships have formed.  Friendships that will last a lifetime because of the bond they share.

It is not a going-there-just-to-cry kind of thing - it is a safe place to learn to share and laugh again.  To learn more about the group sign up for our monthly newsletter “Our Shared Journey”.   It's free to subscribe and also offers three free gifts:    http://tinyurl.com/d6p8jex   

My Personal Grief Journey

We were married for twenty-seven years when Donnie died of cancer at the age of fifty-three.  I was fifty and very angry with life.  We did everything right, worked hard, saved, brought up two children and we were suppose to enjoy our later years with travel and couple time.  The dream failed and I couldn’t accept it.

I found my healing by talking to other widows and listening to their journeys of Grief and Healing.

For my personal journey as a widow please visit  http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/marys-blog/   But even more important listen to your heart so you can start your own journey to healing.

I’ve lived a completely different life then I had planned, but I found a passion to believe.  This forced me to think outside of my own grief and that was my saving grace.  I’ve passed the five year mark and I want to thank everyone that has traveled this journey with me.  In some ways I have to thank those that have also drifted out of my life and in so doing left room for some new friends.

Life does move on and it takes some doing to get back on life’s highway but its much better on the highway then in the ditch     Please don’t give up because life is worth living, even if it is on your own.

A Widow's Identity

You may think that you know who you are but your identity will change and evolve when you go from being a wife to being a widow.  It’s up to you to be aware of these changes so you can use them to get rebalanced.

Your future happiness depends on you knowing “your authentic identity” from the inside out.  You’re a widow but that’s not your identity.  You have the ability to do extraordinary things and to embrace life by creating value in this world.  Value is not based on the world’s view of value (money and possessions) but the value of being a good parent, friend or fellow worker.  To care about others and to make a difference in their lives is “creating value”.

Going from wife to widow throws you off balance and sociality has changed your “label” and you may not know who you are or understand how to take back control.  If this is you, you need to understand that you are not alone.  I felt the same way when Donnie died at the age of fifty-three.

It took me a while to realize that I was not alone, that there were others with the “widow” label.  I realized that they could help me get clarity so I could rebuild my life. Personal growth requires some growing pains but it gives you the gift of freedom and it helps you on your journey from grief to healing.

My advice to help you on your journey is to seek out other widows and share stories.  Make sure the widows are ahead of you in their own healing so they will bring you up, not down.

Our Grief Causes Sickness

Our emotions are heightened when we are grieving and that creates alot of stress on the body.  There have been several studies that show that grievers have a higher rate of visits to doctors and are hospitalized more often.  Sadly grievers have a 300% above average incidences of bowel cancer and they have higher incidences of death.

Grief is the trigger that tells the brain that an enemy is out there and the body goes into emergency status.  Blood pressure elevates, the heart pumps faster, acid builds up in the stomach, the body is so focused on fighting this stress that the white blood cell production decreases to give the body the energy it needs.

Grief causes illness because our normal defense system is weakened.  We are physically vulnerable, especially if our grief is severe over a long period of time.

Be aware of this danger and seek some relief from the harsh stress you are under.  Seek out support and help from other widows, your doctor or from professional counselors.  Don’t let your grief take your health from you.

Widows getting rebalanced by Positive Healing

As a widow it’s not where I am but where I’m going that counts.

When I went from being a wife to being a widow I had to define myself and get rebalanced.  I didn’t know where I fit in.  My future, as I had planned it, was gone and my new future was grey and empty.

I had to take ownership of my life – define myself based on everything I loved and cared about.  That wasn’t as easy as it sounds because back then I didn’t love or care about anything as I was stuck in my grief.  It’s almost impossible to be in control without knowing yourself.  Everyone will define you as they see you and not as you truly are.  What’s important is that you define the person you want to be.

Work on the core of who you are and not the outside factors that the world sees.  You are not your “family” – “a wife”- “a mother” – “a sister” – “a daughter” – “specific race” – “what you own” etc.

I learned that what I focused on expanded and that was where my power to heal was.  I started focusing on the things I loved having in my life – family, friends, my health, other widows, the cottage and working on “The Sisterhood of Widows”.  Instead of focusing on what I no longer had I focused on my passions.

I was in a negative place back in those early days of grief and I knew I had to pull myself out of it.  It all came to a head when I went on a Valentine’s cruise that Donnie and I had planned.  Of course I was in denial but I didn’t know it then.  A week on that couple cruise as a single was my wakeup call that something had to change.

When I got home I purchased lots of DVD’s and CD’s on goal setting – creating a vision for what I wanted in my life and filling my spirit with positive not negative energy.  I watched hours and hours of those DVD’s night after night and as I slowly started focusing on making a new life for myself I started to come alive with a passion to help others.

I was well into my second year before I learned that I needed to focus on the positive things in my life.  I hope that you read this message earlier on your journey so that you can start on the path of healing by focusing on the things you love.

For positive CD’s from widows that have travelled the grief journey please check this out:  http://sisterhoodofwidows.com/featured-products/

What to Avoid Saying To a Grieving Widow

It can be nerve-wracking trying to say the “right thing” but many times the very things they think will comfort us will only end up hurting us.  Let’s look at some hurtful things that people say with good intentions.

“He’s in a better place” or “He isn’t in pain anymore.”

She wants him to be is with her.   No matter how much pain he was in or how difficult it was to care for him as least she still had him with her.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

Every widow is different just like every wife and marriage is different.  Even if you have experienced a loss, each widow has their own unique path to travel so you can’t know exactly how she feels.

“You’ll feel better soon.”

She may be thinking she’ll never feel better so presuming how she is going to feel in the future may be very frustrating for her.  Let her grieve and come to this on her own.

“Don’t you think you should be over it by now?”

This question is completely wrong.  Most widows feel like they are never going to “get over it,” and it’s not very accurate to say that losing a loved one can be “gotten over.” The pain may lessen but the loss will always be in her life in one way or another.

“You shouldn’t be sad in front of the children.”

It’s appropriate for the children to see you grieve so that they can show their own grief.  Children may find it confusing to lose their father and yet never see their mother grieve.

“I’m sure it’s what God intended.”

It’s very important to know the widow’s belief system before mentioning anything about God.  It’s better not to assume that she has the same faith or belief that you do.

“He wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad.”

Losing someone is sad, even if the loved one would not want it to be that way.   This comment may make the widow feel guilty that she is sad and she does not need that added emotional stress.

“Let me know if I can do anything to help.”

The widow may not know what help she needs or it may be too hard to ask for help. Instead make specific suggestions and then ask her if that would be ok with her.

People often don’t know what to say or how to act around widows because death and grief are taboo subjects. I hope this blog will give you the information you need to explain to others why their comments are not helping you.

Let’s look at some ways that they can help us with our grief.

Always address the loss. Misguided friends avoid painful issues thinking that they are sparing our feelings, but not saying anything about the death is like saying that our loss is not important.

Allow feelings of all kinds to enter the conversation. A widow’s emotions vary widely during the course of a conversation. This is normal and they can help by creating a safe place for you to experience these feelings.

Remember that each widow’s path has its own ups and downs. Help them to understand that they need to honor your unique journey. It may be longer or shorter than they think it should be, but remember, it’s not their path of grief, it’s yours.

Getting Up When You're Feeling Down

Well, it’s that time of year again, when holidays are starting and everyone is talking about being thankful and grateful. The holiday season starts with Thanksgiving Day and goes through till New Year’s Day. Being thankful is a positive way to attract more situations and experiences to feel thankful for.

But . . . what if . . . you don’t feel particularly th

ankful right now? What if, like so many other widows, you’re having a difficult time and are feeling sad?

Along comes Thanksgiving with all of its added pressures and family obligations and you’re faced with all those “grateful” people telling you to count your blessings.

“Bah, humbug!” you say, “If you lost your loved one like I did you would not be so smiley.”

So how do you handle the holidays when you would rather just stay home and be left alone?

Read the full article by clicking on the link below:

http://tinyurl.com/buh696m

Grief Shakes You To The Core

Grief - I found that it shakes you to the core. It shocks you literally out of your body and it creates such turmoil of emotions that that you feel like you are in the eye of a hurricane.

I had thought that my faith would help me bear my pain. But I discovered that such was not the case and that all I could do was surrender to the grief and pain. Just as a physical injury takes time to heal th

is emotional pain has to take time to subside. I was alone, even as I was surrounded by family and friends, and I had to do my own individual grieving.

Looking back now, I have begun to understand that my spiritual journey was put to the greatest test by the death of Donnie. I have also realized that I still have a way to go in my quest for understanding. Every pain, every ache, every discomfort becomes part of who I am. I discovered that grieving upon the death of a loved one is part of life. Such grief is natural, and points the way to compassion and kindness.

It took time to get to this point in my journey and I have had my share of tears and loneliness. After some of the grief had subsided, after the wounds had healed, I was able to find myself. Even more important, I now have a much better understanding of what I want in life. I’m happy to say that my faith has not been weakened by being vulnerable to human experiences, emotions and feelings.

What is your experience with grief and where are you on your own journey?

Dating As A Widow

How many times have you thought to yourself: I don’t want to “work” at a new relationship, I want it to be the fun part of my life.  And how many times has a nagging voice in your head chimed in, well, just live alone then, because there’s no such thing as a toil free relationship.

You will still argue and still have moments of total frustration.  Whether it’s a friend or another partner, relationships do require effort.  So be prepared before you get back into the dating game.
It’s hard to trust and get into another relationship where you may end up going through more emotional pain.  Maybe the relationship will be a second love, but then they get sick and you’re a widow again.  Or maybe the relationship will not work out and your trust is broken.  It takes time to become emotionally open to understanding that trust begins with your relationship with yourself and then flows out to others.
The typical widow wonders, “Can I find love again?”
When you lose your spouse you often re-examine what love really is.  You may feel unlovable and even be afraid that you will never be in love again.  This fear can be overwhelming when you really want to be in a relationship again.
Here it is - I’m going to talk about sex, that forbidden topic that no one wants to bring up. What do you think of when the word sex is mentioned? Most of us tend to be interested, but scared and we react emotionally. But the truth is that sex is over emphasized and glamorized by society as a whole.

The funny thing is that married couples think single people get all the action and are free to get all they want, anytime, anyplace – and single people think that married couples are the ones that are having all the fun.  In reality, a widow often finds the hassle of sexuality the most trying in starting up another relationship. Having a loving husband made having a sexual life easy and comfortable and just because our husbands are gone doesn’t mean our sexual needs go away.

Most widows are more or less terrified by the thought of dating again, especially if it’s been years and the dating rules have changed. They feel old, unattractive, unsure of themselves and fearful of the unknown. Also, no matter what our age we still hear our parents telling us to be good girls. At this stage we may even find our grown children telling us the same thing.  No wonder dating is confusing and uncertain when you are a widow.
I can’t give you any magic words of wisdom on this issue. Everyone has their own moral compass about what feels right to them. Take your time with a new relationship because dating too soon (and only you can judge that) may be nothing more than you trying to fill that emptiness in your heart. 
An important element in the rebuilding of your life is the process of learning to love yourself first.  As you love yourself you will attract others to you.   If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anybody else to love you?  Have faith in yourself because you are strong and loveable just as you are – this I know.
Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith if it feels right because otherwise you may miss the chance to have another great guy in your life. On the other side it can be easy to get mixed up with the wrong guy, so listen to your heart and be careful but not fearful.

Are You A Widow That Can Change?

When it is necessary, the widow changes, accepting change is part of her grief process, not ignoring or battling it.  She can focus on balance and improvement without sacrificing her personal memories.

A smart widow knows that the age of the lone-wolf widow has passed.  She doesn’t have to do it all alone with a stiff upper lip.  She can depend on other widows or counselors and yet still be independent.

Widows need to constantly learn how to find their balance and make a new life for themselves.  That balance does not come easy and they must rid themselves of past regrets while still concentrating on the present.

A widow that can change knows that life is unfair, that problems arise, but she can take obstacles while still keeping her sense of humor.  She is grounded with the ability to perceive the positive side of things – recognizing the unfairness of life but never dwelling on it.

Armed with the right knowledge a widow can receive peace and love back into her life.  If you can see a happy future, you can make it happen.  Widows that accept change do more than read books and attend counseling – they take action.  To do this, they go with their own flow, possessing the sensitivity to know what they can accomplish, why they are here and what is realistic for them.

Widows in Denial

Ruth in chapter five of the book “The Sisterhood of Widows” couldn’t really believe her husband was dead as per this paragraph:

“When we were leaving the funeral parlor I asked, “Where’s Andrew?”  Then I thought ‘Oh my God’, look what I just said.’  I was so used to having him beside me.  It was like a bad dream and I thought I would wake up and everything would be the way it was before.”

When did your denial begin?  Most of us don’t talk about death in our everyday conversations.  After all why would we when everyone is healthy?  But by now, a terrible reality has come into your life and nothing has prepared you for that last visit and then they are gone.  And when it happened, you find yourself in denial - “It can’t be”.

There is a period of time when we know they are gone but in our heart we just don’t feel it can be true.  Maybe that denial is necessary to get us through the outpourings of sympathy, the paperwork and the funeral.

In the early period of your grief journey you may leave our loved one’s voice on the answering machine like the widow in chapter three:

“While I waited I found a box of Kleenex in the car and I just started cleaning everything inside and out.  I was so high strung and scared that I called home three times and got Jack’s voice each time. That’s why it hasn’t been changed because I didn’t want to lose it.  I thought that I’m never going to hear his voice again and I find it comforting.  Jack says “Sorry can’t come to the phone right now” and it seems like he is talking to me.  I think I will try to get a copy of his voice.  If I feel lonesome I know I can call up and hear him. It’s been almost two years and his voice is still on the answering machine telling the callers to leave a message.”

Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best that you can and you will deal with reality as your grief journey progresses.  Every widow travels the grief journey in their own time.

Denial Can Hurt a Widow

Widows may slip into denial when their lives take a different path and they are on their own again.  One major denial is that we are on our own and that we will sometimes need help.  We assume responsibilities unnecessarily because we don’t want to admit that life has changed and we are finding it hard to be single without our husbands.

It is a heavy burden to be responsible for everything and if we aren’t careful we will slowly forget how to play.  We may go from lack of play, to being starved of any joy, to feeling unsupported and unloved.

When we are in the denial stage, we refuse to hear what others suggest because we feel that they don’t understand.  We may think, “It’s easy for you to say, but you still have your husband.”  Denial is characterized by feeling unappreciated and trapped without options in a life you didn’t plan for.

Ironically, when we are in denial, we are our own worst enemy because we don’t seek help.  When others offer to help, say “Yes” and share some of the responsibility.  Family and friends hand us a gift by being there for us.  They don’t know what to do but they want to help.  You may not be able to hear their offer because you are thinking that you can do it all. Don’t deny them a chance to do something for you. 

   

Widows tend to compound their problems by undervaluing the potential help others are willing to give.  Slow down and look at the big picture.  There were two of you and now there is only one – it’s o.k. to ask for and receive a little help.

Widows - Life Is Never the Same Again

As I think back in time my earliest recollection of death was that of my grandfather.  Children have a strange understanding of life and death that often leaves them with a bewildered acceptance.

I was young (about eight) and what I remember is that there were a lot of people around and nothing seemed normal.  It was scary and I remember hiding in the dining room.

Much later, while I was in my teenage years, my Uncle Jimmy died in a car accident.  I remember the police coming to the door to tell my mother and again it felt scary and somehow I knew instinctively that life was forever changed for my mother, because of the love she had for her brother

.

I remember going to the funeral and everyone coming to pay their respects.  It was my first time at a funeral and seeing a dead body.  I never forgot the stillness, not at all like sleep, and I remember thinking that it wasn’t the laughing Uncle Jimmy that I knew.

Some people remember every detail of a funeral – what they wore, how their hair was combed etc. but I never get close enough or stay long enough to take in details. Over the years I have been too many funerals of family and friends – cancer, accidents and a few suicides.  But I always kept my distance and dutifully paid my respects to their loved ones.

But then my husband died and it wasn’t possible to keep my distance.  In fact he died suddenly at the kitchen table while I was in the next room.  A terminal illness is also painful not only for the ill person but also for the caregiver who must watch the gradual wasting away, helpless to do anything but watch and try to help.

It’s not like these earlier deaths will provide any preparation for the pain that comes from the death of a loved one.  Grief doesn’t work like that, nothing dilutes the pain.

When you are young you hear people say “Life is never the same again” but then it happens to you and its true – Life is never the same again, it’s changing.  One could pretend otherwise but the truth slowly works its way through the fog of grief until this major fact sinks in and is absorbed – “Life is never the same again”.

Most Widows have a Gut Instinct

Follow your gut instinct for what you want and for what’s best for you.  There is a lot of stuff going on after the death of your spouse, but you know what feels right.

You know that funerals are for the living so they can pay their respects, drop off some flowers, a donation or a card.  But if that’s not what you and your spouse had planned than follow your gut and go where your instinct leads you.

After the funeral everyone goes back to what they were doing – back to their “normal” lives while your life is never going to be “normal” as you knew it.

Widows are often detached with a sense of unreality as they go through the funeral and sometimes the only thing they have to lean on is their gut instinct.  Take a few moments before making any decisions and ask yourself “is this right for me?” and then follow your gut instinct.

Death of Spouse is rated as the Highest Stress Event in Life

This doesn’t come as a surprise to those that have lost their spouse. The rating is based on the fact that nothing causes more of a “life change” than the death of your spouse.  The “life changes” in your life are irrevocable and they destroy your future as well, and that constitutes another kind of loss.

When a widow losses her husband, she also losses her continuity.  No one wants to change and even the most radical of people would prefer to control their lives and not face the unexpected loss of their “normal” life.  It is natural to resist change as we are all creatures of habit.  We follow the “rules”, behave as society expects, and fool ourselves into thinking that life is manageable.  Then death pulls the “normal” carpet out from under our feet and we stumble into the abyss of the unknown.

Change threatens our stability and undermines our hold on sanity and life as we know it. Everyone has limits to their adaptability so learning how to cope with change will help you cope with the shock of your new tomorrows. 

Stress management really means change management because too much stress/change can lead to serious illness, including heart attacks and strokes. Developing habits that provide some stability in your changing world will help you to manage change instead of suppressing it.  By having habits that are stable and in your control you will gain back some control of your life. 

Take a few minutes to think of the daily habits you do control and perhaps some new habits that you may want to start.  The good thing here is that you are in control of these changes and that’s a great feeling to have.

Widows Need To Be Creative

You don’t need some special talent to be an artist.  The truth is we don’t need anything but ourselves. You may think that you don’t have a creative bone in your body or that you can’t even draw a straight line but I’m here to tell you that every human being has some creativeness inside them. I’m talking about the “art” to be found in everyday living.

 

I believe in creating things, ideas and moments that will bring you closer to the people in your life.  It can be as creative as having an amazing dinner party from leftovers or that special little thank you gift that you made.

The best gifts are not found in a box or in a store.  The best gifts are the people and the moments that make life wonderful.  There is no limit to the way we can share from our hearts.  Living creatively helps us to express love in our everyday acts.

There are three main reasons that widows need to be creative are:

1.     The more hardships we have in our lives the more we search for self expression.  Sometimes there are simply no words to express what we are feeling.  We need other ways to let people know what is in our hearts.

2.       Many of us feel a lack of meaning in our lives.  We may be moving through life and wondering just what we have accomplished.  We need to stop and put more meaning into our actions.  Living creatively doesn’t mean we do more, but that we put more meaning into what we do. 

3.       We all need more reasons to play.  A child is always being creative, asking questions and laughing.  But as a grownup we lose our creatively, and with it our imagination and joyfulness. 

Decide right now to bring playfulness back into your life.  By living creatively we recognize that we are each in charge of putting play, meaning and self expression back into our everyday lives.

I want to inspire you to create a moment that matters.  To create a memory that will last a life time and to create a sense of yourself as the artist of your own life.

Mother's Day As A Widow

Mother’s Day is a perfect time for our children to stop and acknowledge us as mothers.  My son and daughter both stopped in for a visit bearing gifts and cards.  They love me and appreciate what both Donnie and I have done for them over their life time.

But for some reason, that I cannot fully explain, I had an off day today.  When Donnie was alive he would treat me to breakfast in bed on Mother’s day even when the kids were fully grown.  We would have time with the kids but I was also spoiled by their father.  I missed that today and it is just one of those times when you feel that loss.

I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have lost your husband and have all you kids living away or even worse just not making the effort to call or visit.  I have many blessings in my life with my children, family and good friends.  That is what takes the edge off my sadness and makes my life so much more peaceful and contented. 

To all those that have lost a loved one and are feeling that loss today, I wish you peace and contentment.  Reach out to those loved ones that are still in your life and take note of the blessings you still have.

Widows and Their Wedding Rings

A year ago I thought about taking my rings off but I just wasn’t ready.  It was almost four years but it didn’t feel right to me.

More time has passed and it will soon be five years that I went from wife to widow and lately I’ve put more thought into my wedding rings.

The wedding ring symbolizes our love for our spouses and afterwards it’s a comfort as a reminder of our love.  It can also stop unwanted advances as we grieve.

Some widows move their rings to their other hand or pass their rings on to someone they feel close to such as a daughter or granddaughter.

In the end I took it to a jeweler and had them made into two pendants – one for me and one for our daughter.  I cannot lie, it was hard to take them off but once I dropped them off I felt at peace and the decision was made.

I just picked them up this week and I love what they did.  I will let our daughter have her pick because it doesn’t matter to me. No matter what I will always have one of them to wear and with it I will have all its love and memories.

A Widow's Destiny

I just got back from watching a movie with some friends.  The movie is called “The Lucky One” and it’s about this soldier who has done three tours of duty.

Many of his friends did not make it and he talks about destiny.  He is searching for answers as to why they died and yet he lived.  He said that it was his destiny and that we all have choices.

Destiny – the very word sounds sad and almost out of our control.  I agree with him that we do have a destiny, a purpose for still being alive.  But even more important than destiny (a predetermined course of events) is the fact that we all have choices.

Someone or something will happen in your life that changes your path and that is destiny.  But after destiny, comes the choices you have to make because you are on a new path that is unknown to you.

The choices you make will move you towards a destiny of your choice and not just a future that you have no control over.  Destiny will have a hand in your life, but you do also.

What do you think about destiny?

As Widows We Need To Learn To Laugh Again

How long has it been since you did something really silly?  On purpose, I mean :-)

One way to have more laughs is to do something that's just plain outrageous, to have some goofy fun.  One thing about laughing is that you usually need somebody else to do it with.  We need other people in our lives to help carry the load but also to share a laugh with.

My encouraging word to you is that you need to develop a sense of humor because without it you will not enjoy your life.  And you do have a life even though it may take you a while to get back on track, your life is there waiting for you.  Waiting to hear your laughter and waiting for you to notice the joy your friends and family still have to give you.

Sometimes I don't find the joy and laughter but it finds me.  It's just plain fun to go around speaking for different groups and conferences.  I always come away from these meetings feeling like I've received more than I have given.  More often than not I have shared a laugh with a new friend.

I read somewhere that we need to face our problems by looking for the flowers, not the weeds.  I know that it isn't always that easy, but finding happiness and laughter has to start somewhere and I believe a positive attitude will help you laugh again.

Widows and Their Women Friends

Females have always needed other females to socialize with and it starts before we even begin school.  There is something powerful about the connection women have with each other that is healing in times of sorrow.

I just got back from a day bus trip with over 40 other women and what a time we had.  We got started at 7:00 am and didn't get back till 10:00 pm.  We did nothing but eat, shop and laugh all day.  I'm exhausted from the marathon shopping and I couldn't be happier.  All that laughter charges up the soul and nothing heals better than good times with our women friends.

This trip was a fund raiser for Cancer Research and many of the women on the bus were cancer survivors.  I'm here to tell you they were the worst in the group for practical jokes, fun stories and all around having fun.  They know how valuable life is and although they have struggled and some still are, they don't let it hold them back from enjoying life.

These women can teach us all a valuable lesson just by example and I have to say I came away with a lighter step and better appreciation of life after spending time with them.

Next time we do this trip I'm going to round up some of the ladies from "Chicks Night Out" group to come with me.  We have so much fun in our monthly get together that I know everyone will enjoy this day trip.  So watch out, because next time there will be even more good friends to share the fun with.